Whoever invented "Family Game Night" had never met my kids...

For Christmas I bought the boy the game Guess What I Am?. I thought they would get a kick out of it and a good time would be had by all.

I do not know what I was thinking. That seems to be my mantra these days, doesn't it?? Instead of having fun and playing, this kind of family activity always turns out to be more of a contest for who can throw the biggest fit.

The very first round R looked at his card (you're just supposed to hold it up in front of your face and not look at it, hence the whole guessing part.) Nobody was mad or upset, we said "wait, stop, don't look at it!" and was about to give him a new one...BUT he went off in a tirade about how everyone was so mean and he wasn't going to play and he ran off to his room crying.

Then a bit later we played the game a different way, as teams. Now, I don't even recall what happened exactly, but something went wrong and E burst out in tears and acted like his life was over because of it. Again, nobody was mad or upset, nothing really bad happened...but you couldn't tell that from the way he was carrying on.

Now that I think about it...when my parents were visiting back in November they brought us the game Pictureka. I know for a fact that E had to leave the game at one point because of his crying and fussing about something. And honestly it was probably more than one time. I also remember that R had his share of issues as well. I'm certain that Grandma and Grandpa were wondering what THEY were thinking when they decide to play a game with my children.

Does it really have to be SO hard to just get along and be happy and have fun for just a little while?? Don't answer that, I already know what you're going to say.

Oooh, this also reminds of the "The Guy" we saw in Souplantation. He was a father there with his children, I think there were 3 of them (they were behind me). As they were making their way to the table one girl starting complaining about how she couldn't hold her tray any more. They were all having some issue and were basically whining to him kinda at the same time. I believe the girl with the tray said she was having trouble (it was hard to really tell since they were all talking at once). And then he says..."You're going to have trouble in life, all of you!"

C and I busted up laughing, although we tried to hide it very well. It was the most PERFECT parent response I think I've ever heard. Ok, maybe not what a "perfect" parent would say, but what every real parent is thinking! And trust me, it is exactly what C and I have been thinking!

About 10 steps back in the pursuit...

So I decide today to take my brood to Walmart so they can pick out some stuff to buy with gift cards they got for Christmas. Just the 3 of them and me.

I don't know what I was thinking. Three children on the loose in the toy section of Walmart all heading in their own directions, its enough to put anyone in the psych ward for at least a month.

There was fighting and arguing and crying and whining and running off and a really grouchy mother who wanted to pretend like they belonged to someone else and quietly sneak off.

Eventually I convinced them that they should just get what they had already picked and save some money for the next time we were there. Seemed like a really good idea at the time. But now, its dawning on me that this means I'll have to take them back!

See...sanity is not even a speck on the horizon.

Trying something...

Our dog Abby just can't deal with stuffed toys with squeakers in them. She will not stop until she gets the squeaker (and ALL the stuffing) out. On Christmas she got a stuffed reindeer and she kept picking it up and shaking the crap out of it. Her head was going SO fast, it was absolutely hilarious. Its probably one of those "you had to be there things"...but I've been wanting to try to post a video here and decided I'd try my first shot with the dog. Oh and this is just a short snippet of her shaking the poor reindeer, she went on doing this for a good 5 minutes.

I have a confession to make...

Ever since my lame toe injury I haven't done even one 30 day shred workout. I have my reasons, but they are nothing but stupid excuses. The same stupid excuses that always derail me. I think maybe going from practically nothing to day after day after day of such an intense workout was a bit much of an endeavor. As much as I thought I wanted to do it, mentally I just wasn't ready yet. So for now I'm going to set more realistic goals. Doesn't mean I'll totally give up on the 30 day shred, but its just not going to be 30 consecutive days.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards men, women, children, and animals...

I want to wish everyone out there a very Happy Holidays!! Whatever you are celebrating, or even if you aren't celebrating anything at all...I hope your days are filled with happiness and blessings, and plenty of yummy things to eat!! Its been a fast and crazy year for most of us I think, so take some time to slow down for even a few minutes and enjoy the spirit and joy of this time of year!!

My family is enjoying a quiet day making sugar cookies and cleaning up in preparation for the huge mess that we'll have tomorrow morning! We don't have any specific plans for Christmas day, its going to be just the 5 of us here hanging out.

Huh, what do you know...

This post can be filed under "you learn something new every day". This probably doesn't really interest anyone, but hey, now I have 2 things I can list if someone ever asks me to tell something about me that nobody else knows!

I had an eye exam this morning. My grandfather had glaucoma and my eye pressure has always been on the high side so I go every year to get my eyes checked to make sure everything looks good. Plus I've had the same glasses for 2 years and they are terribly bent and the one lense is always falling out. They seriously need to be replaced.

Anyway... The doctor I saw was very descriptive about every test they did and what my results were and what that meant.

So the first new thing I learned was...I have a pigment spot on the back of my left eye. Its like a freckle. Isn't that trippy? Who knew you could have freckles in your eye?!?!

And the second new thing was...I don't actually have high eye pressure, mine are actually fairly normal. What I do have is thick corneas. And thick corneas can throw off the results of the tests that are usually done.

Thick corneas and a freckle in my left eye...the intricacies of the human body are really quite amazing!

Cool Book Giveaway!!

My friend Joleen from Granola Chicks is having an awesome giveaway on her blog, Hello, Jobi for an Usborne touch feely book...check it out and enter!!

The picture post...

Finally getting around to posting all the things I said I'd post pics of, aren't you excited!!!

First, here's my dining room table in all its brand new glory...

And here is my hair when it was long...

And my new shorter 'do, front & back...

I think that's all...if I missed anything I said I'd post (and if you even care) just let me know!

Smart windshield wipers...

So maybe everyone's vehicle does this and I'm just peeking out from under the rock I call my life and finally realizing it...but I fully accept my rock and think that this is WAY cool!

The windshield wipers in my van actually slow down when the van stops!!!!

Lest you think that I've been partaking in illegal substances you have to understand that this has always been a huge pet peeve of mine. You know when you are driving and you have to have the wipers on so fast to keep the rain off, but the instant you stop they start to like squeeeeaaaaak across the window because there isn't enough water to push away anymore. That has always, always annoyed me.

But today as I was driving in the rain I realized that when I came to a stop the wipers slowed way down to accomdate for the decrease in water. That is just totally freaking awesome!! It's like my van could read my mind and wanted to please me.

You're wondering how long I've had this van and why its taken me until now to notice this glorious phenomena, right? Ummm, now that I think about it I have no idea when exactly we bought the van. But in defense of my oblivion, I DO live in southern California. We don't get a lot of rain here. When it does rain generally it doesn't last very long. This aaaallllll day long rain we've had today and on Monday hardly ever happens. So, its perfectly logical that I wouldn't have noticed such a rockin' feature before now. Oh, and in case you didn't know and in case you were wondering how in the heck this came to be a pet peeve of mine...I haven't always lived here, I grew up and learned to drive in a place where there is plenty of rain...and snow...and all that jazz.

We are nearing the end of the year...

...so I thought we'd revisit my non-resolutions for the year. How many do you think I actually accomplished???

Well lets see how I did.

The first was "Not gain any more weight". Remember I decided to lower my expectations from "Lose weight" hoping I'd actually accomplish something? Thanks to the evil Mirena I couldn't even do that *sigh*. I don't recall what I weighed at this time last year, but I'm pretty sure it was less than now.

#2 "Keep my house clean for more than a week at a time." Miracle of miracles I think I actually did this!! Of course, it wasn't until we moved to the new house...and my cleaning spree only lasted about a month...but it did really occur!


#3 "Spend less time on the computer and more time with my kids." Eh... I've had my moments. Although overall I certainly didn't do as much of this as I should have.

#4 "Get more sleep." Hmmm... K did eventually start sleeping all night long. So I suppose I do get more sleep now than I did a year ago. I still stay up way too late and have insomnia regularly. But I said get more, not get enough, so I guess this too has been accomplished, woot!

#5 "Get a job." Um, yeah, that SO did not happen.

#6 "Find a way to be happy with the life that we've been given." Honestly, that didn't happen. But fortunately our life situation changed for the better in the past few months. So much better that it has seemed too good to be true and we're waiting for reality to kick in!

Well, the year wasn't a total loss, but its a probably a good thing I didn't actually make those pesky resolutions!

Sidelined by the stupidest injury in the world...

A few days ago I decided to de-nastify my feet a bit and get off some dry skin. You all know what I'm talking about, so don't act like you're all grossed out or anything. I cut a big hunk of hard skin off the side near my big toe nail. Apparently I cut too deep or something. Ever since my toe as been killing me. The first day it was really sore I pushed through exercising even though it was agonizing. The next day (yesterday)...it was so bad I couldn't even put a shoe on my foot. Anytime anything came near my poor wounded toe I would cringe. Any sort of pressure on any part of my toe was awful. It hurt SO bad. I didn't want to even make a meager attempt at a workout like that.

Today it still hurts, although not *quite* so bad. I still can't put on a tight shoe. I'm gonna try to do some strength stuff tonight though, maybe go on the elliptical for a bit with no shoes. But I'm kinda bummed I can't do my Jillian workout. Did you believe that??? HAHAHAHA!!! Seriously, I'm not bummed, not even a little bit, LOL. I've done pretty good sticking to this whole 30 day shred thing...but I am so very, very far from a place where I am bothered by skipping a day or two.

Of course, therein lies the problem doesn't it. Not being bothered by it is what gets me off track every time. *sigh* What can ya do though? I didn't ask for this injury, and a person can only inflict so much pain on themselves before they just can't take it anymore, LOL.

So its been a few days...

Last week started off with a bang...or rather a fire in my kitchen that was started by my 7 yr old using the toaster and not taking a plastic bag off the top of it.

The middle was stricken with panic because AF was tardy in arriving for her monthly visit. Why must she be such a PITA all the time???

And ended with frantic cleaning because the first time in years (yes, literally YEARS) we had an actual babysitter watch the kids so we could go to C's work christmas party.

I completed 10 days in the row of the 30 day shred! Day 10 I was beyond tired and didn't put much oomph into it, but I still did what I could.

I decided to take a day off for recovery before I started level 2 since I was feeling so tired. That was Friday. Plus I was doing all that cleaning that day so I was getting some good activity in still.

One day turned into two days. Saturday I slept in while C got up with the kids. I haven't gotten to sleep in in ages, so you better believe I was going to take advantage of it and not feel one bit guilty!!! Then we went to E's basketball, then lunch right after, then right after that left to drive up to OC to return some work equipment. Didn't get home until like 8pm, and as soon as we got home I had a horrible headache. So exercise surely wasn't going to be happening then.

But that means I HAVE to get back to it today. Starting level 2, so I'm scared...again. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever really stopped being petrified every time I turned the workout on, LOL!!!

6 days down!!

I thought by now it would be getting easier, or I'd be a little less sore at least. But that's really not the case. At all. My abs hurt more and more every day. My upper back has started aching. My quads ache. I've been taking naps, a lot of naps. If I don't get any results out of this I just may hunt down Jillian and sit on her for 30 days and see how she likes it!

I keep thinking, if THIS is what I'm feeling after only doing 20 minutes of a Jillian Michaels workout a day...what on earth do those poor bastards on The Biggest Loser go through? *shudder* Don't even want to think about it. This has cemented my decision to NEVER audition for that show!

But I guess the pain's all good...at least I know I'm doing *something*. And somehow this workout is keeping me motivated. Even on the days when I was really, really dreading it...I still got up and did it. One time I even did it at 10:45 at night (and after I'd had a big meal out that night.) I don't think I'll ever do that again, I seriously wanted to puke...but the point is, I still did it.

So, yay me!

3 days in a row completed!

Well I've managed to torture myself for 3 days in a row now, woo hoo!!

Actually, its really not that horrible because of Jillian's 3-2-1 system. You do 3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs...repeating this 3 times. You only do each move for like 30 seconds to 1 minute at a time. So, by the time you want to die its time to move on to the next thing.

And I'm already noticing results. Don't know how much I can attribute this to the fact that I didn't wake up at 5:30 this morning and did my workout at 8:45 instead of 6 am, BUT... I was able to do more reps of some of the exercises before it felt like body parts were going to fall off. AND, I was able to go longer/more intense on the cardio things before I was sure I was going to have a massive coronary in the middle of my living room.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Eat a bunch of really delicious, fattening food for me!

Its been 24 hours...

And I don't want to die, yippee!

BUT...I am definitely feeling the effects of yesterday's workout. My lower back is a bit sore, I'm sure from all that jumping around. And my abs, which I thought I didn't really put much into (because of my fear of getting dizzy) are pleasantly feeling that after workout soreness. There's a slight twinge in the butt region as well.

Jillian says its a total body workout...and it is! (And Brenda, its really not THAT bad, if I can do this you totally can!)

And here I am ready to get up and do it again.

Its been 12 hours...

and my shoulders and neck are not happy with me. At. All.

I think I should have started with 2 lb weights instead of 4.

Going to go cry now.

First order of business...

is Jillian Michaels 30 day shred! If I can grow my hair for a year and a half I can bust my ass for 30 consecutive days...right? Sure, I say that now, we'll see what happens when the pain REALLY starts to kick in, LOL!

We've got exercise tv on demand and I found the 30 day shred workouts. Last night I glanced through level 1. It looked hard. I was scared. You should be scared of Jillian, right? But this morning I woke up (at 5:30, ugh!) and decided to just do it.

Well, it wasn't QUITE that easy. I got up, put on my workout duds...and then had a mini panic attack thinking of actually playing the workoug.

Then I had a little Jillian-esque peptalk in my head. "What are you afraid of? Sweating? Working hard? Looking like an idiot? Not being able to do all the moves or reps? Dying a slow miserable death after Jillian has turned you into a quivering blob of goo? Well get over it!! You're never going to know what you can do unless you get up and do it!!

There were lots of jumping jacks...an almost 290 lb woman doing jumping jacks is SO not what anyone wants to see, or hear. How does anyone do those anyway? Every time I come down its like all the air just gets pushed out of me in a big WHOOF, and then I have to gasp it back in on the up part before it all gets pushed back out.

I was really scared to do the ab work considering what happened the last time I tried such a thing...but I made it without any dizziness or migraine, woot!

The arm work is what I'm really feeling, oooh my shoulders are aching!

It'd be nice to lose the 20 lbs in 30 days that she claims you can...I'm not setting my goal that high, but if it happens I'll surely be celebrating!!

I made fudge today...

No I'm not going to post a wonderful homemade recipe complete with pictures and rave about letting my kids help and how amazing it all was. I admire anyone who does that, I really, really do. But I am not that mom. I am the mom who will post about the quickest and easiest way to do something...which is exactly how I made fudge today.

Yesterday as I was tooling around the grocery store ALL BY MYSELF with my steaming Starbucks non-fat raspberry mocha with whip cream thanking my lucky stars that for once I was not one of those parents with the huge ass car cart with the 3 kids hanging over the edge...I came upon the the most wonderful product! (Er, well, I suppose not so wonderful if you're of the Nestle banning persuasion, of this I am not. I couldn't be even if I wanted to as my son depends on one of their products to...well, to live and grow and all that jazz.)


It was a box with all the fixings for deliciously rich, creamy fudge all right there and ready for me to make. It came with a "sugar mix" (no I don't care what all was in that...we're talking about fast and easy here, its not always the healthiest way), a bag of chocolate chips, a can of condensed milk, and a package of marshmallows. All put together nice and easy with directions I didn't have to search for. And it was only $6, had I bought all that other stuff individually it certainly would have cost a lot more.

And, it even turned out really good. I don't usually have the best luck with fudge, I always get it too dry. But even I, as inept in the kitchen as I am, was able to make this successfully!!

Ok...really I wrote this because I am procrastinating, but I do like to share some of the better quick & easy products I come across.

Well I did it...

I cut my hair. I didn't make it completely to my goal length, about 2-3 inches short, but I still consider the endeavor to be a success! I might not have made it all the way, BUT, I did grow it for over a year and a half and I put up with it annoying the crap out of me and being very tempted to cut it all off on several occasions. I stuck it out no matter how much I didn't want to, I got to see what it would be like if it was that long...and that's what I set out to do. Mission completed.

I have been having a lot of headache and neck issues lately and I thought the weight off all that hair probably wasn't helping, so that's what made me decide to finally end my journey...well that and that fact that I couldn't see anything if I ever leaned forward because there was just too dang much hair in the way.

Now to take this long term, stick it out to a goal success and translate it into other areas of my life. Most specifically, my weight loss. Not that I've had much of that lately...but that IS going to change. Right now in fact, I'm going to go hop on the elliptical and burn some calories!

I'll try to post pics later of the hair change. Don't have any of the shorter 'do yet. I really should make that my next goal I suppose, LOL...finally getting aroung to posting all the pics of things I promised I would!

All I did was chew a piece of gum...

and I've been in pain ever since. First it was my jaw hurting so bad it felt like my head was going to explode. I'm pretty sure its a TMJ issue. I go see the chiro cuz I'm desperate...next day jaw feels a bit better, but now my front lower teeth are killing me. Well not so much the teeth, but the gum area under those teeth. Like they are being pushed out of place somehow. Maybe its some phantom pain from way back when I had braces, lol.

*sigh* Why must there always be SOMETHING???

Is it too much to ask for that my head feel...right. If its not a headache or dizziness, now its jaw pain and wishing I could just yank my dang teeth out.

Who knew crunches could be bad for your health?

So yesterday I was watching a show before I had to pick the boys up from school. Unexpectedly I had the thought, since I'm just sititng here maybe I should do a few crunches while I'm watching this.

And so I did...

Except after about 4 I started to feel a little funny. So I sat up and was feeling pretty woozy. Not like totally dizzy, but the world definitely didn't feel right.

It didn't get any better after a minute so I got up and sat in the chair. Then I started to get really hot and was sweating and slightly nauseous.

After a few minutes it just wasn't going away and I had to get K up from her nap so we could leave. I decided to take some Excedrine Migraine because of my recent issues with vertigo and migraines. My head didn't hurt, yet, but I wanted to ward off any pain that might start. Anyway, as I walked into the bathroom I saw that I was totally pale and with the sweat pouring off my face I really looked like hell. And I still wasn't completely stable. By the time I got back from the school my head was hurting and the diagnosis of a migraine was complete.

I went from feeling totally fine to feeling like total crap in the matter of about 30 seconds...all from doing crunches. Isn't exercise supposed to make you feel better??

I. Am. Unbelievably. Excited!!!

My parents came to visit last week and they said they wanted to buy us a new dining set. The one we had was pitifully small. They actually got that one for us too because we didn't have a table (we didn't have children then so it wasn't a big deal to us to just sit on the couch and eat, ya know.) Anyway, we outgrew it long ago. K was still in a high chair for the singular reason that we didn't have a real chair for her. When my parents do come visit meal time is always fun. Someone sits on a step stool and another on the computer chair and we're all scrunched together thinking it'd be easier to just eat off our lap.

Anyway, back to the important part. My new table and chairs were delivered TODAY!!! I immediately wanted this set the moment I saw it, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!! The wood is this caramel-y brown, there is a slate design on the backs of the chairs. AND, when I showed it to C he actually liked it too, woot! Honestly I didn't care if he liked it or not, it spoke to me, it was meant to be mine. I do feel bad about how much my parents spent on it, really wasn't expecting them to shell out a ton of money, but they are awesome and really wanted to get it for us!

So now I feel like an actual grown up, with real grown up furniture! Who knew I'd ever be so excited about furniture. Its so pretty I'm almost tempted not to allow my kids to eat on it, or touch it, or walk by it, or breathe near it...maybe I'll just kick them out of the house just to be safe. I'd post a picture of it, but I have no idea what happened to the memory card dealy that C bought after we got our new camera. I thought it was like *right here*, but its not, so now I'm wondering if I imagined the whole thing. I was sure it was there before... *scratches head* I suppose I could *gasp* read the directions on how to upload them directly from the camera...but I'm too dang euphoric about my table to be able to concentrate on something like that!!!

I. Am. Desperate.

Or I've just lost it completely, which is more likely. Yesterday we're driving down the highway, the radio was on quietly. And I hear the words "Are your children disrepectful like mine were? Do they blah, blah, blah??"

Yes they are, and YES they do!! Let me turn this up!! Some woman goes on to explain how James Lehman and his Total Transformation system changed her life. How she couldn't take her children out in public for fear of their behavior, and now everything is wine and roses. I sat there listening with rapt attention. I almost got out my cell phone and started dialing when she rattled off an 800 number several times. (I might have except for the fact that I couldn't hook up that hands free thing fast enough!) It felt like this radio commercial was changing my life!! Wow!!

Once it was over my 7 yr old from the back of the van says "I'd like to have that so....." Well its not important why HE wanted it, I don't just want it, I NEED it!!

In the past I would have scoffed at it and said, yeah right...your kids were probably angels compared to mine lady, it probably didn't take much to turn them around. In fact, I have done that...I've heard of this program before, even looked at the website, BUT didn't want to shell out money for something to sit on my shelf with my library of parenting books on kids who are spirited, strong-willed, difficult, defiant, etc. Obviously they've done me so much good... If anyone out there would like 1 or 2 or 10, just let me know, they're yours!

But for some reason, THIS time I didn't scoff at it, THIS time it spoke to me... I haven't been able to get that lady's voice out of my mind telling me that my life could be so much different if I just try this guy's system, it would be a miracle.

Well, damnit, I need a miracle! So I went to the website...I was enticed and drooling...I knew I shouldn't, its not actually going to be a miracle, and the cost, well, we just won't talk about that...but, but...there is a 30 day trial period! When it doesn't work I can just send it back, right?

So before I really even knew what I was doing...I ordered it.

I know, I should probably be ashamed of myself. I am kinda ashamed of myself. But yet, there's the tiny part of my brain that KNOWS that our family can't go on the way it is, my children can't go on behaving they way they do, their issues go way beyond C & I totally screwing up as parents. You know its bad when every time your own parents visit you they ask something along the lines of "how are you not an alcoholic or a drug addict by now??? Seriously, how do you do it???" The answer is: I would be if only I could afford it. Dang, maybe I should rethink the whole getting a job thing...

So what the heck, lets give it a try, if by some tiny chance it actually DOES work, it will be the best money I have ever (and will ever) spent. I may even build a shrine to James Lehman right in the middle of my living room.

I heart Keith Olbermann

He says it much more eloquently than I, but this sums up EXACTLY what I feel!

Just watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21xdFUp-vVU

Well, unfortunately the closed-minded and judgemental have won.

Its a sad day for the states of California, Florida, and Arizona (Arkansas as well for a related but different reason) as the gay marraige bans passed in all those states.

I would like to extend my apologies to the gay and lesbian community, I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I really am sorry that this is the state of our society.

I would like to extend my apologies to my children and all the young people of this country for that fact that they are growing up in an environment of such bigotry. I hope you will find a way someday to do what the "adults" of this country couldn't.

So bravo "traditional marraige", you have been "restored"!! I really must say though...I don't see how it can be called traditional when there isn't any sort of non-traditional allowed. And seeing as how marraige between a man and a woman never went away, I don't see how it needed to be or could be restored. But whatever...

Prop 8

**Taking a break from regularly scheduled posting to change things up a bit.**

I live in California so I have been hearing about Prop 8 (trying to no longer make it legal for people who are gay to get married) for a while now. Of course with election day coming closer it has been on my mind more and more lately. It irritates me SO much, like I'm almost obsessed with my disgust, I don't really know why. Maybe because of all the "Yes on 8" signs that are up around my neighborhood that I have to look at every day and want to vomit every time I see one. As the days go on I just keep getting more and more annoyed by this...so annoyed that, well, I just had to blog about it and vent my frustrations. Some readers may be offended and that's just fine with me!

To be perfectly clear, I am a gazillion % against prop 8.

First there's the stupid, and I mean STUPID commercials with these horrid parents saying something like "my poor johnny went to school today and learned that boys can get married *gasp*". Give me a break. Please. Are there really parents out there that are that ignorant of the school system and what our children are learning? We do not send our children to school to learn about marriage, plain and simple. Its not part of the educational standards of the state of California to teach the legalities and specifics of marriage. Sure, its possible children could hear something while they are there about people who are gay. But its most likely going to be from their friends and classmates, not their teachers. In fact, there's a good chance that your kids will notice all the irritating "yes on 8" signs around and ask what they are for...what are you going to say then?

And really...shouldn't we be teaching our children our values and beliefs about such things AT HOME??? So that way when they hear things at school they already have some idea of what is valued at home...and when they ask us about it we can remind them of what we believe and that other people believe different things. Take some responsibility people.

Of course there are also the people against gay marriage because of their religious beliefs for however many reasons. Now I freely admit I am not a religious person in any way shape or form, its not for me, never has been, never will be. I respect people who are, I don't get it, but I commend them for the ability to have faith like that.

But here's the thing...just because you believe something, just because your god, your church, your religion believes something...it doesn't make it true and it doesn't make it right. Its YOUR belief, but there are other people in the world that are equally entitled to THEIR beliefs. There isn't one right religion, or one right way of thinking. No matter how strong your convictions are, that is a truth that won't change. Go ahead and put all your faith into your religion, but do not discredit others. Diversity makes this world beautiful, don't taint that by being so self righteous.

Thankfully there are plenty of people who do have religious faith who are not judgmental and discriminatory of people based on who they choose to love. I'll never understand the others who do have a problem with this. Its not your life, it doesn't affect you. Your church isn't going to crumble to the ground. Your schools aren't going to close. The civilized world as we know it isn't going to end. So mind your own business and leave people alone.

We're not talking about rapists, murderers, child abusers, the scum of the earth here, getting to walk around free doing whatever they choose. We're talking about PEOPLE...mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, friends. People who simply should be afforded the same rights as everyone else in this country.

Would you tell a black person they couldn't marry another black? Or 2 Jewish people, would you disallow them to get married? How about someone who is fat not being able to marry another fat person? Or a diabetic, can't have them marrying each other, right? Sounds pretty ridiculous, no?

"Oh, but its not the same thing!!!" I can hear "them" crying. Oh yes, it is exactly the same thing. We are all people, we all deserve to live our lives the way we choose without being discriminated against. Just because YOU think its wrong doesn't actually make it wrong.

I suppose I should mentio that there is a population of people who have a problem with it because the judges decided to pass the law when so many people voted against it. I don't know all the specifics of that exactly, I've just read a few things in passing...but isn't the role of the judicial system to determine what is right and just, not just uphold the supposed will of the people? Obviously "the people" aren't always right, that's why we have a judicial system.

It really saddens and disgusts me that this is even an issue in today's society. Especially when there is so much else to worry about and put our time and energy into. It's 2008 people, we should have gotten rid of the shovels and pitchforks long ago. Why can't we all accept people for who they are? What are you so afraid of?

Happy Birthday to my "not so" baby girl today!!

Its hard to believe that just a short 2 years ago I was heading to the hospital to be induced. The baby inside me decided it was much more peaceful in there so she was going to just stay put. But, my parents were in town to visit and help and I was past 40 weeks and we all really wanted them to see her before they left...so I agreed to the induction. I had the nurse from hell and I really wanted to scream such horrible things at her that she would run crying from the room and never come within a mile of a laboring woman again...but I restrained myself, much to the surprise of both C and I.

And now she's a full blown toddler. She's always got something to say, she talks in sentences and you can understand a good amount of what she's trying to get across. She's a total drama queen. I knew from other people and my own preschool experience that girls were more dramatic...I was not prepared for THIS much drama so soon. Man the girl is going to put me in an early grave. She's got the red-headed temper that is engraved into her genetic code. She makes us laugh all the time. And she is absolutely adorable, still.

What is it about the Disney Princesses...

that is SO attractive to little girls? I purposely didn't expose my daughter to them because, like everything else Disney, I find it annoying how it is SO mass marketed. I didn't hide them or anything, we did get her a baby Belle doll for Christmas last year, but back then to her it was just a baby, and still is for that matter. I figured she'd find out about them soon enough, I didn't want to speed up what was inevitable.

But then the Target near me stopped selling the chlorine free diapers I had been putting on her at night and I didn't have any other reason to use the gas to drive out to the one that did. Deciding that she still pees too dang much to return to using cloth diapers at night, I bought a package of disposable nighttime pullups. I didn't even bat an eyelash at the fact that they had said princesses on them.

That is, until K noticed the pretty girls that were on the front. And I, not realizing the consequences of my actions, named the princesses for her.

That was it...the end of her princess innocence. She is now steadily building a new obsession with "Ariel" as she calls all of them. Every time she sees any of them, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, or Tinkerbell we hear about it. (She doesn't care too much about Belle or Jasmine, go figure.)

Is it some sort of brain washing? Voodoo? Animated crack? How does a child go from not knowing anything at all about them to freaking out everytime she sees them? At least her Diego and Dora obsession took a little while to kick in, she'd seen them many times before it finally took hold.

There's no use fighting it I suppose. And I must admit I get a kick out of hearing her say "Booty" (that's Sleeping Beauty for those who don't speak toddler.)

Why my hair is long...

So my friend Tina made a comment on my last post regarding how I make goals and work towards them. I only wish that were true!

The truth is...I do make goals, I make lots of them, but I rarely ever reach them. I'll be all gung ho for a short time and then I get bored or discouraged or too busy or whatever other random excuse I have and things fizzle out.

If you've known me for any length of time you will have known me to have pretty much the same hairstyle that varies in length from my shoulders to a few inches past. Sometimes bangs, sometimes not, but always about the same length. Boring? Yes. But I'm a freak about my hair ok, for many reasons...but that really isn't the point right now so I won't go into it.

My whole life I wanted to grow my hair really long. Well, that's not true, my hair WAS really long, when I was like 5. And then all I wanted was it cut off, my mom didn't want me to do it, she made my aunt take me into to the salon, she cried, it was all very traumatic for her and liberating for me. (My hair is very thick and when she'd comb it it was hard to get through all the tangles and she'd pull it and I'd scream and it was just horrible, I hated it.)

Anyway, back on topic... I have always tried growing my hair and just got so sick of it in that in-between stage that I'd chop it all off again. Never could I get remotely close to my hair growing goal because it annoyed me so much.

Well, I decided a while back that THIS time was going to be different. I didn't care how much I hated it I was going to grow it as long as I wanted, and if I still hated it when it got there THEN I could chop it off...but I WAS going to make it. I have been tempted many, many times to cut it. It has annoyed me immensely quite often. I've complained to C about it so often I'm sure he's sick of hearing about my hair. He's probably just sick of my hair in general because there's just SO much of it.

Now as much as I've really wanted to chop it off I've really made my hair a symbol of my life success. Yes I see how that sounds terribly shallow and ridiculous, but hear me out... I just have this intense feeling that for once in my life I HAVE to stick with something long enough to reach my goal, even if the journey is long and difficult...no, especially if the journey is long and difficult. If I can't do at least ONE thing from beginning to end then I'll never be able to do anything...and if I can do that one thing then I know I will be able to actually accomplish all the other things I want to. If I can fight temptation and distraction and irritation on this one thing, I'll be able to take that commitment on to other (and admittedly more important) areas of my life.

So, as stupid as it may be to have growing my hair long as a life changing event...that is exactly what it is!

And now you know.

Back to the 100 Pushups Challenge!!

I made a promise to myself and all of you that I would re-start the 100 pushups challenge once we'd moved and got settled. I said that I would do it by no later than mid-October. Well my friends, today is October 15th, so its time to get back to work!

You may recall I was doing modified pushups on my kitchen counter. I can't do them on the floor in any position, there's just too much stomach in the way for that. And my arms and back were not strong enough to do them at the height of my weight bench. So that left the counter. The counters in my new house are higher than the old ones though, I wasn't so sure about doing them there. But wait!! My new house has stairs, I can do them on the stairs!! I've settled on the 4th stair...the 3rd was harder than I thought, and the 5th, well its just too high up to reach, LOL. Its lower than my old counters, and therefore harder than last time, so my starting point is not quite so high. I was able to do 5 pushups for my initial test. Not TOO bad I suppose, I am lifting up a lot of weight afterall, I shouldn't feel real terrible about that number.

So today was Week 1, Day 1 and I did a total of 15 pushups.

Fear not people...I have not disappeared forever

Just a quick update to let you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. We moved back "home" to San Diego 2 weeks ago. Things have been busy and crazy since then. We've been battling awful heat and unpacking and the dog maiming a rat in our backyard (that C subsequently had to put out of its misery, blech!) I made some curtains. There's still tons of things that need to be done. The house was a huge mess when we moved in...I still haven't gotten around to completely cleaning the bathrooms which were super gross. Just lots and lots to do. C is also working from home, which means I have to give up a lot of my computer time to him. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing, I admit I spend way too much time online anyway. So...that's the update for now. Hopefully I'll be back to regular posting in another week or so!

How do they have SO much crap?

I spend 95% of my time while I'm in any store saying things to my kids like "No, I'm not buying that today...No, I'm not buying that for your birthday...No, I'm not buying that because you picked up a kleenex off the floor and threw it away...No I'm not buying that because you went to school today when you didn't want to...No, you don't have enough allowance to buy that for yourself...No, no, no, no, no!!"

I'll save my rant for another day about how I hate raising children in a place like where we live and the attitude of entitlement/greediness/spoiled-ness (is that a word?) that seems to exude from every where here.

And yet despite my hardly ever buying them anything, they still have like 15 times more junk than C & I do? C spent most of the day in there room sorting and organizing toys on Sunday, and yet there is still a TON of stuff everywhere! I think it must multiply in the night, its just never ending. I don't even want to go in that room anymore because its so overwhelming. I just don't get where it all comes from, aaaaahhhhh!!!!

I just don't know what to do with it. I don't even have the motivation to get rid of it on Freecycle, it takes too much work to sort through it all. I'm glad that someone else is going to pack it all up for me when we move...but I still have to unpack it and figure out where to put it...I think I've got it worse.

100 pushups update

So dear readers...if there are any readers...I will admit to being a slacker. Yeah I know, you knew that already. I have taken a break from the 100 pushups challenge. First I got a cold from my daughter and was feeling like crap, and then a whole bunch of life changing things occured in a short period of time, so I just kept really and honestly forgetting to do them. My goal is to start up again by mid-October. Once we've moved and I've had a couple weeks to get my life back in order I will definitely resume the challenge. Maybe then there will be enough available space in my brain cells to spend a few minutes 3 times a week killing myself on purpose!

Its Biggest Loser time again!

I have a love-hate relationship with this show. It irritates the heck out of me to watch it, but I can't help myself. To me its like the accident on the highway that you can't take your eyes off of...horrible and fascinating at the same time. Last night was the first show of the new seasons. Families this time, married couples against parents & kids. I'm fairly certain if C and I were on this show together we'd expend more calories arguing with each other than working out. He thinks it would make for good tv, I suppose he's right.

Somehow I always seem to be eating something horrible for me on the first episode of this show...like EVERY time. Not sure why that happens. It must be some sort of sign. Last night it was brownies. I've been craving brownies for a few days now, ever since someone posted this all edges brownie pan thing on the Granola Chicks board. I bought a box, but I didn't have any eggs. I finally got eggs, but only got around to making them last night. Has to be a coincidence...

I did hop on the elliptical trainer and bust my butt while they were baking though, That's gotta count for *something* right?

I think the cast is kinda boring this time actually, hopefully things will get more interesting as the weeks go on. Jillian is scarier than usual this season. I wouldn't be surprised at all if someone actually did die on one of those treadmills to see her standing over them yelling at them to get the #*&^ up!

Would you take makeup advice from...

a guy wearing blue and pink eyeshadow who had hair poufier than you did in the 80's???

On Friday I ran into Sephora because I was running way too low on my beloved Bare Escentuals makeup. (If you don't wear mineral makeup or haven't heard of it...get out from under that rock!! The stuff is aweseom!!) There are 2 guys working on this particular day. Now I know there are plenty of male make-up artists out in the world and that is totally cool with me. But most of the ones I've seen don't actually wear makeup themselves and even if they do it is usually tasteful. These two men...not so much. The one guy at least stuck to a basic black eyeliner and his hair while over gelled and styled wasn't the worst I've ever seen. But the other one had like this big bouffant going and could have passed for a circus clown with the blue and pink eyeshadow. It was quite distrubing, I can't even describe it well enough, you really had to see it in person to appreciate it. I'm seriously not being judgemental here...the one guy really looked THAT bad, and the other was right up there in the freaky factor.

Now had I come into that store needing help from someone who worked there...well there's just no way I could seriously take any makeup/skin/hair tips or advice from people looking like THAT. Women, well most women, simply do NOT wear their makeup like that, and that hair hasn't been in style since the 50's. Maybe as a gay man you can pull it off...or THINK you can pull it off (trust me, you can't!)...but a woman looking like that would be a laughing stock. How could I trust anything they had to say, or even look at them with a straight face for that matter?

I had my children with me, my boys are 6 & 7 years old...I'm sure you can only imagine the thoughts running through their heads. But thankfully they kept them from running out of their mouths until we were out of the store. And THEN they fell into fits of laughter for the next 5 minutes.

So awhile ago I taught myself how to knit...

The only problem was I couldn't figure out how to read a pattern to save my life, so I never really did anything with my meager knitting knowledge. Not long ago I decided to pick it up again and see if I could do any better the second time around. This time I did a google search for easy knitting patterns, hoping there had to be someone out there like me who needed to have it explained to me like I was 2 years old. And so I made my first completed knitting project...a dishrag. Which will probably become unraveled should I ever use it because I was too lazy to weave in the ends of the yarn and just cut them off. But here it is...



Fresh off my knitting victory I joined a "Knit-Along" with a few other moms from the Granola Chicks board. We are all knitting the same thing and posting our progress. I finally got mine underway. We are making a neck warmer, kinda like a scarf, but small to fit just around your neck.

Ok, if you can't picture it, here it is...



And here is mine so far, I think its about 4" long so far and its supposed to be 16" when finished.

Parents all over the country are rejoicing today!

And I am one of them. Yes some lucky parents with early school start times have already experienced this joyful day...but for the rest of us, it has finally arrived, the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

I am especially happy this year because FINALLY both my boys are in the same school for exactly the same time!! The past 3 years the drop off and pick up schedule has been all over the place and gets very exhausting...but now I only have to go to the school twice a day, and maybe only once if C takes them to school.

So after a fairly calm morning of getting up way earlier than they were used to and getting ready right away...we were actually done early!! That's like, never happened before, LOL. So, knowing how awful the parking situation is we decided to walk to school.

R went to his line with no problems of course, went to his class and sat down easy peasy. E had a much easier transition than in the past. We couldn't find his class when they were lined up for the morning assembly. I didn't know for sure what his teacher looked like, so we stood off to the side. He was all concerned he wasn't going to know where to go, so I think he was flustered and a bit nervous. Once he got in he seemed a little anxious when he was unpacking his school supplies. But, there were no tears and not even one "I don't want to go!!" like every past year, so he's making progress!!

Here there are before we headed off to school!

E's first day of second grade...


R's first day of first grade...

R.I.P. Speedo Man

Before we came to Southern California we lived in Grand Junction, CO. There lived a man who the whole town knew as "Speedo Man", he is truly a town legend. We moved away from G.J. 8 years ago, but I've still thought of Speedo Man from time to time, he really is unforgettable.

I'll save you the story of how we found this out...but last night we discovered that Speedo Man has died (not recently, but a little while back). Apparently first he moved to Oregon, and then he died. It makes me kind of sad. A Grand Junction with no Speedo Man is hard to imagine.

Why did they call him "Speedo Man" you ask? This guy would walk and bike around town wearning nothing but a Speedo in the warm months, and a Speedo over top of some other clothing (at best) or with some spandex or one of those half shirt things in the cold months. When you first come to town and you learn of Speedo Man you're like WTH??? After awhile you come to just accept him as part of life. I don't know if anyone will ever know why he started it, but he kept it up because it got him so much attention. I only lived in G.J. a few short years, but I had the pleasure of several Speedo Man sightings. I worked in a daycare that had a playground in the front of it. This playground was where my class of 3 year olds played. Speedo Man would walk past there on occasion, and I'd hold my breath hoping that none of them would ask me why a guy was walking around naked. Although I bet even a few of them already knew Speedo Man's legend. A couple times I got to witness him bending over and pulling weeds from the sidewalk...in nothing but his Speedo. That was...really an image that I'll never be able to erase from my mind.

So long Speedo Man...

Changing things up

I thought it needed a bit of color around here...if you even noticed. The green is nice, but it needed a bit of a pick me up, a little splash of something. We definitely need to keep things fresh once in a while.

Lots of change is/may be happening actually, and not just in my blog color selection!

The boys start school on Tuesday. New teachers, a new year...change.

There's a very good chance we will be moving back to San Diego in the next month or two...change in house, job, schools, scenery.

Too much to do to get ready to pack for me to sit around on my butt on the computer all day long...change. Uh, is that good or bad change?? I guess I'll have to let you know.

Mmmmm....banana bread!

I made this today. It smells REALLY good, and it looks even better. So good I had to take a picture and show *someone*, LOL! (Ignore the messy stove in the background!) Too bad C isn't here, I made it for him, so I feel bad about eating it before he gets any, plus I'm going to have to fight E off from it. *sigh*

I do have self-control, I do, I do, I do have self-control...



UPDATE: Sadly, while it looked glorious and smelled wonderful...it didn't turn out so good. Our oven is a piece of crap, and that's putting it nicely. Things always end up burnt on the outside and not fully baked on the inside. Such was the fate of the poor banana bread, a big part right in the middle was total dough still, ugh. Let's take a moment of silence for the banana bread........

I forgot to do my pushups yesterday...

Well "forgot" is maybe a little inaccurate. I did think about doing them a couple times but decided to "do it later". And well, later turned into not at all.

So shuffling days a bit this week, doing them today and then on Saturday instead of Friday.

Today was a killer, btw. Monday was a breeze compared to this. Who made up this training??? Its so not fair to give you a tease day and then BAM, turn your arm/chest/back muscles into blobs of quiverring goo halfway through the next.

And to think, I'm willingly doing this to myself. *shakes head*

66 pushups, done. O. M. G.

A pic of the new yellow belts

As promised...aren't they cute?

100 pushups check in week 2

Week 2 Day 1 of the training now complete. Only 50 pushups on the schedule today, so that was nice and I didn't feel like I wanted to die afterwards. The rest of the week's not gonna be so lucky. Ah well, what doesn't kill you...yadda, yadda, yadda.

100 push-ups check in

Week 1 Day 3 of the 100 pushups challenge is complete! UGH. Yeah, that about sums it up, I'm not sure how I'm even able to type. Let's see 15 + 13 + 10 + 10 + 15 = 63 total. This was by far the toughest day yet, I didn't make it through even one set without having to stop for a few moments before finishing. Again I feel kinda crappy afterwards. Not as bad as Wednesday, but my head is hurting.

Random babblings...

I saw this quote the other day, I honestly have no idea who Douglas Porter is. I tried googling him, but pretty much only found some books on Amazon that seemed so boring my eyes would probably roll back in my head reading the table of contents. Nevertheless...I think this sums up the life of my family pretty darn well. You are a smart man Mr. Porter.

"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."Douglas Porter


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In other news...E & R had a very good day today. They went to karate and unexpectedly were given their yellow belt test. Both passed and received their new belts. They were walking on the moon with excitement! Haven't seen that many smiles out of them in ages, maybe ever! Pics to come later in the week.

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Yet another incident at the park today where my daughter is scaling up the highest parts of the playground like a monkey while other small children near her age have 3 adults hovering around them like they are going to break and staring at K & me like we're some sort of circus side show, asking how old she is, and marveling at the amazement of it all. Non-coincidentally all these instances the other child in question has been a first born to the parents. K being my 3rd I'm certainly a lot more relaxed about things than the newbie parents, and I'm used to boys, and frankly my girl's been on the go from conception... But geez, its not like she's doing triple flips on a trapeeze, she's climbing up a rope ladder for pete's sake, is that so abnormal?

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So I've been all excited at the prospect of my kids going back to school. They need to be around people other than me, I need them to be around people other than me, too much togetherness is not good for our kind. I know a lot of mom's who homeschool, I am certain these women are saints. It would be under great duress that I would ever attempt such a thing, for so many, many, many reasons (my post about "this can't be my life" may begin to explain some of those reasons)...but the main one being I think we would kill each other if we had to spend all day every day together for more than 2 months at a time.

Anyway...as the day draws near for them to scurry off to their classrooms I'm realizing I'm SO NOT READY for school to start!! I'm not ready to require an alarm clock to wake me up early enough EVERY day. I'm not ready to deal with the fighting/waking/dressing/eating/lunch readying/backpack readying that goes along with every morning BECAUSE I don't want to get out of bed that early, nor do I want to roust the natives that early. I'm not ready for homework, ugh. Not that I mind helping my children learn, its just the homework is the same thing week after week and it just gets to be drudgery after awhile. Plus with 2 of them it can take up a big chunk of time. I'm not ready to have to get my butt in gear to get dinner made and them fed and ready for bed at a decent time.

I think school is more work for parents than the kids, sheeesh. Heck, I already put in my 17 years of school, I'm done!!

I know, I know...SUCK. IT. UP. There's no changing it, might as well get used to it.

100 pushups challenge check-in

Week 1 Day 2 of training complete! 5 sets at 12, 12, 10, 10, and 11 reps for a total of 55 pushups! Oh boy...

I love this picture...

I just had to post this because she was looking so sweet and cute that day. Her hair was curling just right. *sigh* (I'm a bit obsessed with her curls if you didn't know, I love them, they should be mine damnit! Sorry...just had to get that out.) People are always telling me that she looks just like me, but I only wish I was a fraction as beautiful as she is.

Can I do 100 pushups?

This is not a question I thought I would ever ponder, let alone consider trying...but I am! Along with some other mama's I am challenging myself to do the 6 weeks, 100 pushups training program. No I can't do the "normal" kind on the floor, to much stomach in the way for that kind...but I'm ok with having to do an "alternative" method. 100 pushups is pretty darn impressive no matter how you do them, right?

Today was my first day of the training program. In all I did 44 pushups (a set of 10, another set of 10, then 8, then 6, then 10 - that's 44 right? LOL My brain isn't up for math right now.)...and I definitely feel like those muscles were WORKED!! The most pushups I've ever done before in one day is 30 and I thought THAT was hard, LOL!

Its bad when your kids are smarter than you

E was reading some book about planets this morning. Then he started talking about who knows what. I didn't even realize he was talking to me, he was in the other room facing toward the tv and just going on and on and on. I didn't know if he was just liking the sound of his voice or what. Being that I had other things on my mind I wasn't paying too much attention to him.

Then I hear him say, "If we all lived on the moon we wouldn't be able to draw pictures anymore, right mommy?"

Uhhh, if you say so. I don't get that, but ok.

"Cuz paper is made out of trees and there aren't any trees on the moon."

Ok kid, you got me. That actually makes sense.

Its one of THOSE days...

Good 'ol AF is due to arrive any day now, and I'm definitely feeling the PMS. Not sure if its what I'll normally experience now that the Mirena is gone, or if I'm just especially noticing it because I've been less moody throughout the month. Anyway...basically, I'm in a totally pissy mood today.

C asked R to please help mommy clean up when he was on his way out the door this morning. So, R, being such a helpful child, comes over to me and says "Can you get me a piece of paper? I want to draw a picture."

So I say, "Why is it everytime daddy asks you to help me you immediately find something else to do?"

Thus starts the whining...buuuut, I was only going to draw ooooone picture, etc, etc, etc.

My moodiness beat out the logical parent part of my mind and I started whining and throwing my own mini-tantrum. I said fine, I'll just clean everything up all by myself, don't worry about me.

Then both of them start in "defending" themselves...and I continue with my little tantrum explaining to them how its always just this thing first, or that thing first, or some sort of complaint. They hardly even do anything WHEN I ask them.

Then cuz I'm pissed that they aren't helping, pissed that I even bothered to waste my breath saying all this to them, pissed that the house is such a wreck in the first place, and just totally irritated in general about everything...I started crying.

Well, my boys, bless their hearts, will be good husbands some day. They have the whole "oh crap, I made her cry...uhhh, what can I do to make it stop???" routine down. R brought me a paper towel to dry my tears and they both promised profusely that they were ready to help now.

Of course, this all lasted about 3 minutes. Then all was back to regularly scheduled programming. (Which means running around, tackling each other, chasing the dog, dancing to the music that E swore would help him clean, screaming and laughing, and in no way possible listening to anything I had to say.

Except my sweet baby girl, she actually LIKES to help. And she's SO good at it! No really, she is...well except for when she was taking clean clothes out of the laundry basket, then putting dirty clothes in the basket on top of the clean ones, and unfolding the towels I had JUST folded. Ah, gotta love toddlers!!

Is this the difference between boys and girls? Did we go wrong with the boys? Did we totally miss the boat when it came to instilling in them the benefits of cleanliness and orderliness? Or is it genetic, are their Y chromosomes working in overdrive? Is it in their DNA to avoid housework when at all possible? Or to at least only do WHAT they want WHEN they want to do it?

If that's the case, can I have a refund? No...ah well. At least I can be comforted in the knowledge that they'll annoy their wives some day just as much as they do me now.

Birthdays and bellydancing...

So I'm turning 31 on Saturday and I think its more depressing than 30 was. Not sure why. Maybe because nothing's changed in the past year. Maybe because I still haven't been able to lose any weight and the years just keep slipping by... Who knows. I just know that I'm really not excited about being 31. Ah well...can't do anything about it, so "Happy Birthday To Me...."

But I am excited about bellydancing. LOL. Yeah, who would have thought that someone who is way too close to 300 lbs would LIKE belly dancing? But I really do, its tons of fun and a really good workout. And apparently I'm actually GOOD at it. A couple of the ladies in the class who have been doing it awhile have made comments about how good I am for only doing it for a few weeks. This week was the first in the second 4 week session I've signed up for. At the beginning of class she has everyone introduce themselves. When it was my turn and I said it was only my second session the instructor said "But you've done some belly dancing before right?" Of course not...fat chicks and belly dancing don't mix lady! No I didn't really say that, but I was thinking it, LOL. I know there are some "Goddess" sized women who belly dance and I've seen pics of them, but I have yet to see anyone quite as "Goddess"-like as myself! *snort* Me and Goddess in the sentence, bwahahahaha! Anyway... She said she thought I had because I picked up the dance really well in the first session. I was like, wow, she's complimenting me!! And its not like she could mistake me for anyone else in the class, ROFL, so she must have really meant it!

There's a woman in the class whose lost 86 lbs...so maybe that will be me someday. I just might be able to enjoy dancing and finally look good doing it!

Ever feel like "This can't be my life..."

Not that your life you're wondering about is so terrible or miserable, its just that you don't seem to be the right fit for it and you're not sure how you ended up there. Like my life for instance... My life seems to require someone with TONS of patience, someone who is organized and neat, someone who thrives on routine and consistency, someone with a whole lot of energy, someone who is positive and optimistic, someone who happily devotes all their time and energy to their family, someone with the personality/qualities/time management skills necessary to be a competent parent & housekeeper & financial provider all at the same time, someone with the ability to keep a grip on their own emotional state. And not only does my life require a person with all of this, but it requires that this person be GOOD at all of these things, like really good. And not only be good at them, but ENJOY them.

Seriously... If you know my children and their histories & personalities well enough, and if you know my husband's job situation, and if you've seen where I live (my apartment and the geographical location of it), you would completely understand why my life absolutely requires all these things. I'm not overexaggerating here, I really don't believe that anyone could successfully live my life without those qualities. Again I stress that it's not that my life circumstances are bad...it just is what it is.

What IS bad is that I am SO not that person that I described, I am very unsuccessfully living my life. I'm not cutting myself down here either, honestly, I just really, really am not those things...any of them! Ok, well I used to be patient, but that flew out the window YEARS ago. Ask my parents, they'll tell you that organized, neat, and housekeeper would not be words to describe me at any point in my upbringing. I'm pretty sure that no one who has ever known me would describe me as being positive or full of energy. I hate routines, I get bored of doing the same thing over and over again really, REALLY fast. I try to ignore/hide from my children on a very regular basis. No really, its every day...they annoy me a lot, and they scare me a lot. I always, always wanted children, and now that I've got them I try to find ways to get away from them. I'm selfish, I want to do things that make me happy and when I don't get them I get very grumpy about it. Those don't paint the picture of a devoted mother, now do they? I suppose I could say I'm consistent, but when the only thing I'm consistent with is being bad at my life I don't think it really counts. I haven't even really described the whole family provider/wife side of it all, just trust me when I say I'm not any good at that either.

Fate must have brought me here and I hope someday to know the reasons why. Until then I'll just keep chugging along hoping to not do TOO much irreparable damage to other people who live in my house, and every now and then having days where I just shake my head, throw up my hands and ask "How?!?!? Why?!?!?"

The last of my neighbors moved out today...

Ok, well not THE last, cuz, ya know, we live in an apartment complex and all...and if somehow every single person moved out of this hole before us I'd probably have to hang myself... But the last of the neighbors I ever really talked to. They were a very nice couple, the lady, V, somehow took quite a liking to me and my kids and was always so nice and sweet to us. (Prolly cuz she never heard what went on *inside* the house, LOL!) She's the kind of person you just have to like, very friendly and finds the good in everything. For example I was talking to her a bit today and had to send E in the house cuz he screamed at the top of his lungs that he hated me. A few minutes later I went inside to see what R needed and E tells me "During school its the parents time, but now its summer and the kids get to make the rules and do whatever they want and you weren't doing what I wanted and you have to do what I want!" Now me, I'm thinking oooooh, buddy you have NO idea the kind of hurt that attitude is going to get you, LOL. But she thinks, "wow, that's an amazing thought process, its great that he can verbalize all that." She LOVES to talk, which was nice sometimes since I don't get much adult conversation, and not such a good thing others, like when I'd end up making dinner way to late because we got to talking! She took care of her grandson during the day who is just a couple months younger than K, so we'd see each other out a lot.

And now that they are gone there's nobody left to talk to, so its kinda sad. :-( There are people we say hi, how are you in passing ya know, but its not the same. Oh, there's the crazy chick who lives at the end of our building who will talk your head off, but we try to avoid her as much as we can!

They can smell weakness

Why is this such a natural born talent with children? The moment you ever so slightly begin feeling less than 100% they turn on every annoying quality they posess. The worse you feel, the worse they get, its like a 6th sense.

I've been feeling like crap with the flu ever since Friday evening. I haven't been sick in a really, really, really, long time so I guess my body is trying to make up for that by making me feel more miserable than necessary. Saturday C took the boys to a movie and yesterday he took R to work with him, so today is the first day with just them and me. My body is slightly less sore than yesterday but it still hurts everywhere, my fever is gone but my throat still feels like its being sliced with a daggar every time I swallow. My lungs & chest hurt every time I breathe in. And now I keep having pains in my stomach and just generally feel kinda nauseous and crappy.

And what are E & R doing?? Are they being so sweet and loving and taking care of their sick mother. Heeeeeeeck no! They are doubling, no tripling their usual efforts to get to me. All day it is has been one thing after the other. A constant stream of whining, crying, arguing, not listening, "you're SO mean"-ing, laughing at me when I get beyond irritated and yell at them, etc, etc, etc...lather, rinse, repeat. Of course along with that they are also in top "oblivious to punishments" form.

Ya wanna know what's REALLY annoying? 'Course you do! ... I took karate away from them for the day because they can't seem to behave like humans or listen to anything I have to say to save their lives (which they might actually HAVE to do before the end of the day cuz I can't take much more of them!) Now I know that doing so is really only punishing myself because that's one more hour of them being here to plan their takeover. R was upset, but only for about 2 minutes...and E didn't care. So in the end I'm doubling screwing myself, not only are they stuck here with me for that time, but they'll be continuing full force with the bad behavior because they could care less that they are not at karate.

Its really not fair, the universe should not allow for this to happen. It just should not be ok for a mom to feel like crap, have children who behave like warring Brownies on crack (remember the little tiny guys on Willow?), and a ton of laundry and dishes and diapers that need to be washed...all at the same time.

You know that Baby Borrowers show...those teens should have to come live in my house and deal with the mess and the screaming for a few days. To heck with that fancy new house and unrealistic kids crap. My life is perfect birth control!!

What is wrong with me, I cannot type!!

So lately I've been noticing I'm having a HUGE problem typing. I used to be able to type super fast and I hardly ever made mistakes. Occasionally, of course, when my fingers would go faster than my brain, but I was a pretty darn decent typist.

But for like the past month I swear every other word comes out wrong. Seriously, I had to fix about 7 mistakes in that last sentence...and so far 3, no 4, er 6 in this (7) one. I'm either mixing up letters, putting completely wrong letters, putting spaces in the wrong spot, typing words completely different from what I'm thinking in my head... Its really annoying and I can't figure out what the heck is up.

If I left all the typos that I make nobody could tell what the heck I was trying to say. Just for shits and grins...I'll write a paragraph about what I did today without fixing anything.

Went to hte drctor this morning to hav emy IUD taken out. It seems to mbe causing me all sorts of problems so I ahd the eveil thing gotten rid of. Came ohme, took a npa, erll, tried to take a nap, I laid there not sleeping. Did some math and reading work with the boys while sick K took a nap. Fed everyone lunch. Took R to hsi cardiologist appointment, which went well, aside from his screaming blooyd mursdera the top of his lungs when tie was time for hte EKG. By the time we got him to sit still long enough he was sweating buckets, I'm suprpirsed they were able to get anything at all. Back hom with just enough time for snack befoer karate. Took K for a walk while the boys did that since she's been such a huge cgrump today. There is a really nice walking path near the community cneter, I wished I sould have brought my ipod. Hmid though, so i was feeling sticky, bleck. made some weried stuffed chicken thing for dinner, wasnt' the greatest, too dreid out from my crappy oven. Put everyong to bed, woo hoo! Wtched some tv, cleaned the living room, and that's about ib.

So you see, its a disaster...and let me just say it was REALLY hard for me to leave all those typos, its like automatic for me to hit the backspace when something goes wrong. I was actually impressed on a couple sentences, did better on them that usual! Its a good thing I don't have a job that depends on my typing skills, I'd totally be fired!

There must be some sort of blockage from my brain to my hands, or my fingers have taken on a mind of their own, or....I have no idea. If it weren't for that MRI I had I'd be convinced I have some sort of brain tumor. Oooh, oooh, maybe the magnets from the MRI have scrambled my brain and turned it to mush and THAT'S the problem!

Ok, ok, so that whole sanity thing...not finding it right about now!

My poor activity deprived children...

So living here in the OC isn't cheap (big surprise right?)...and yet apparently it is assumed everyone has, oh, say enough extra money each month to pay a second mortgage. That is to say you have to pay out the wazoo (& since I have more than one child I also would be required to give an arm and a leg) for any type of activities you want them in.

There is a karate place across the street that my boys have been drooling over ever since we moved to this crap apartment. Many of their friends take karate there and they have been invited to buddy days a couple times. This only makes their longing worse. But you see, in order to send them there I'd have to decide between karate and eating that month. And well, I'm selfish, so eating wins out. Another place I checked out, almost as expensive, wanted you to sign a 12 month contract. Hmm, what do I think about a whole year of not eating....uh, NO.

Last week I finally found class that is somewhat affordable. Still probably costs more than it should, but alas I guess the whole county can't make changes just for our little 'ole family who can't even afford the first mortgage. So off we went on Monday to sign them up.

E started right away (R suffered a self-inflicted injury earlier in the day and thought himself unable to participate) and though shy at the very beginning soon was totally in his element. To see the smile on this kids face afterwards and to see him practice the moves he learned was like watching a new flower blossoming in the morning light. When he got to try on his uniform for the first time you could practically see the excitement oozing from every pore. From the minute class was over he has hardly been able to talk about anything other than when the next class would be. He's told every person he's met along the way that he got to sign up for karate.

And here I thought he was excited about Cub Scouts...but that was nothing compared to this!

R on the other hand hasn't said much about it, other than to wonder out loud if he could still participate in the next class with a band-aid on his toe. But, today when he put on his uniform...there it was, that shy little smile of his that only comes out when he's really, truly, and actually happy about something. It doesn't happen much lately, but it is a smile that is unforgetable to many people.

Even my 20 month old daughter is enthralled by this whole karate thing. K was begging to go join the kids in the class and in the car afterwards could be heard hi yah-ing! and punching her chubby little arm. She's even almost got the kicks down, her brothers better watch out, she'll be a black belt before they are!

Here they are so excited to wear their uniforms...

And K could not be left out of showing of her kicks and punches too!

The pictures were, of course, taken outside because there wasn't anywhere clean enough inside for an appropriate background.

Its that time of year again...

The most depressing time of the year...season finale time. Sunday was Desperate Housewives, done 'til the fall. Monday & Tuesday I said goodbye to Dancing With The Stars. American Idol is again no more. *sniff* In just a few short minutes it will be the beginning of the end of Grey's Anatomy as well. The only thing I have to look forward to next week is the finale of Lost...although, on second thought maybe that's not such a bad thing, that show can be so irritating! And all the other shows that aren't so high on my list or I only catch occasionally...they are gone for the summer too.

What's a girl to do...clean my house...laundry...read books...*gasp* go to bed early???

Sure soon enough the crappy summer shows will start and there'll be something to watch now and then, but its just not the same. If only we, the tv devotees, weren't cheated out of months of our favorite shows by that stupid writers strike it might not be so hard to take. But this year, JUST when we got them back, our shows are ripped from us yet again. *sigh*

...

...

Yeah, I SO need a life...but until I can get one of those, this is my connection to the outside world, so I'm content to sound totally pathetic, LOL!

Bunch 'o random stuff...

So its been awhile...not much going on and tons at the same time.

R's g-tube fell out a month ago, we decided against putting one back in. It was exciting and scary at the same time. He's been doing pretty much the same as he had been. He is gaining weight, albeit veeeeeeeery slowly and in veeeeery small increments. Got the pictures back from the photo shoot they did, some very cute ones in there. Haven't seen the finished newsletter yet, not sure if they'll send us one or not.

Kids were all sick this month, very congested, ear infections, puking, coughing...the whole nine yards. R had it first and is over it now, haven't heard any of E's residual coughing for a couple days, and K is still at the tale end of the stuffy nose & cough. C is sick too and still feeling miserable. And me...I'm bowing at the feet of my Grapefruit Seed Extract. I've been downing it and the Emergen-C every time I feel even the slightest tickle in my throat or ache in my joints and I've managed to be coughed in my face, puked on, gotten surprise open mouth kisses complete with a snot covered nose...and I'm still healthy!! Good thing too, it was a nasty bug and this place would have gone to hell if I had gotten it. Its halfway there on a regular basis anyway, can you imagine if I was incapacitated for a few days, eeek!!

I managed to meet my resolution of keeping the house clean for over a week, yippee!!! However, it only lasted about 2 weeks and is now pretty much back to a pit. Ah well, it was nice while it lasted.

I've gotten a bit back on track with exercising this month. Started going for walks again a couple times a week. That first time was weird, I got to the gate of our apartment complex and had like this mini anxiety attack. I was stepping out of my comfort zone on so many levels, who could blame me. But, it felt good, and I've been feeling good. Haven't worked out as much as I should, but I'm still plugging along.

K is no longer nursing, stopped just a little short of a month ago. I'm sad about that and happy at the same time. I was really glad to be able to give her 16 months worth of breastmilk, and I was really happy that she chose to stop nursing instead of it being my decision. I met all the goals I wanted to and never got to with my boys. I had been feeling totally ready to have my body back to myself for a while, and yet it was still bittersweet to know that part of my life is over. It is truly an amazing experience to nurse a child, before I had children I thought it was just the best food for your baby, but it is so much more than that. I never thought I would feel that strongly about it, its wonderful. But not only is the nursing over, but my baby is growing up. WAAAHHH!!!!

E is well, if you know him, he's E... I must say I am very proud of him, he is an amazing reader. I knew from his teacher that he was in the top reading group in his class and was able to choose books from the "2nd grader part of the library" and has gotten to read to the kindergarten classes. But, not having any other older children to compare to, I didn't realize how good he really is. Went to one of his read alouds and out of all the other kids in the group doing the reading...he really was the best. I was surprised hearing the other kids struggle on some of the words and were kinda slow. Not that they are bad readers by any means, its just I guess I never heard what a "normal" first grader reads like...and they weren't even the "normal" kids, they were the others in the top reading group. He is reading chapter books all by himself and he loves it.

Well, I'm being paged so I guess I'd better finish...nothing much else going on anyway!

You wanna know one of the worst things about being fat?

Bras!! They just suck when you're fat. I dunno, maybe its just me, but they are just NEVER comfortable, they dig in here and there, I feel like I'm always adjusting them, and the wires are ALWAYS breaking on me, ugh! (And yes I've measured a gazillion times to make sure I'm wearing the right size.)

Anyway, this past weekend I went bra shopping. I'd been wearing cheapy, stretched out, saggy nursing bras that had as much support as a wet noodle for way too long. K is only nursing very early in the morning when I'm not even wearing a bra, so I decided it was time. I also decided to skip the Walmart bras I usually get and spend the money to go back to wearing really GOOD ones.

I went into 2 plus-size stores and all they had were padded bras! Come on, I have enough as it is, I don't need MORE. And really, don't most women who'd need to go to a plus size store have plenty of breastage?? Seriously, so those women wearing a size 46G WANT padding???

I finally found a couple styles sans stuffing at Lane Bryant, but still my selection was pretty poor. So, I caved in and tried a couple padded ones on. Big mistake!! It was a very scary sight, nobody needs boobs that big! Ok, well I'm sure there are some women who come by it naturally, but nobody needs to purposely make them that big!

I guess there's worse things than wearing only one style of bra for the rest of your life. Hmmm...guess that's just another reason I should get my arse in gear and lose some weight.

Anyway, I make my purchases and despite the sparse selection was very happy. I even went into the bathroom and put one on right away, depositing the ratty nursing one that had less support than my shirt in the trash on my way out. I felt pretty and perky for the first time in a long time, LOL.

But then, I started to realize the ONE good thing about the wireless bras I'd been wearing...they don't STAB you in the armpits over and over and over again! Maybe I'm the only one with this problem, but the wires are always way too long and whenever I sit or reach down they poke into me really hard. About halfway through a day I want to rip the bra off because its so irritating.

So my bra revelry was short lived. Perky isn't a whole lot of fun when your pits are bruised. *sigh*

Hello, my name is Amanda, and I am a slacker...

But you knew that already, right? *sigh* I was doing so well with my workouts in January, I met my goal of 21 out of 30 days, I was actually liking to work out and wanting to work out...I was feeling good! And then February came. Not sure what happened, but I just don't have the motivation anymore. I feel like such a slug. I need a big 'ole kick in the rear, cuz if I don't stop slacking soon February is going to be a total wash in the weight loss department.

I'm also a total slacker house keeper. But you knew that already too. I had to frantically clean the kitchen and part of the living room last week just so that it was presentable enough for the maintenance guy to come in and fix a leak. R is getting his pics taken here next Tuesday for that newsletter thing and I'm already stressing about it. One of the boards I frequently read/post on has been down for over a week and will be until Saturday. I'm suffering withdrawals! I thought I'd get more done around the house without the biggest part of my internet addiction...but alas not even that is enough to get me up off my butt and clean.

I hate this apartment. Wait...no, I don't. Can't forget my resolution to think more positively. This apartment is wonderful, it really, really, really is.

From "never gonna be good enough" to "poster child"...

So anyone remember all the crap I had to go through in order to get R into that hospital feeding program? In short it took forever, they didn't think he was ready and constantly made up new reasons when called on the ridiculousness of their previous ones, I could never get any info from anybody, they kept making us jump through all these hoops and when we did would still say R wasn't ready, yadda, yadda, yadda. They finally let him in but I'm certain a huge part of their decision to do that was based upon the fact that they were sick of my bitching to them all the time about their incompetancy and hypocrisy.

Of course, he goes through the program and lo and behold a miracle occurs!! He started at 100% tube fed and ended at 0% tube fed. In the room with these people who didn't think he was even nearly ready for their program the air was so thick with the shock at how well he did and with the pleasure in themselves you could slice it. He has now been completely off of tube feedings for almost 6 full months. I bet they are still patting themselves on the back...

Really, I'm trying not to be bitter, I AM thankful that my son is eating, but at the same time these people really ticked me off and still irritate me beyond belief and I can't let it go. No, that's not it...I just don't want to, LOL.

Ooooh, but now guess what they want to do??? Put his story on the front page of a newsletter for the hospital!!! This newsletter that goes out to the people who give them money to run the program! Whaddyaknow! The director of the program keeps making sure that I've spoken to the woman in charge of R's story, she REALLY wants him to be on the cover. Shocker!

I *might* feel a bit better if any of them would admit they were totally wrong, oh and apologize for not letting him in a year earlier the first time they evaluated...yeah right, not gonna happen!