Friday, July 18, 2008

Ever feel like "This can't be my life..."

Not that your life you're wondering about is so terrible or miserable, its just that you don't seem to be the right fit for it and you're not sure how you ended up there. Like my life for instance... My life seems to require someone with TONS of patience, someone who is organized and neat, someone who thrives on routine and consistency, someone with a whole lot of energy, someone who is positive and optimistic, someone who happily devotes all their time and energy to their family, someone with the personality/qualities/time management skills necessary to be a competent parent & housekeeper & financial provider all at the same time, someone with the ability to keep a grip on their own emotional state. And not only does my life require a person with all of this, but it requires that this person be GOOD at all of these things, like really good. And not only be good at them, but ENJOY them.

Seriously... If you know my children and their histories & personalities well enough, and if you know my husband's job situation, and if you've seen where I live (my apartment and the geographical location of it), you would completely understand why my life absolutely requires all these things. I'm not overexaggerating here, I really don't believe that anyone could successfully live my life without those qualities. Again I stress that it's not that my life circumstances are just is what it is.

What IS bad is that I am SO not that person that I described, I am very unsuccessfully living my life. I'm not cutting myself down here either, honestly, I just really, really am not those things...any of them! Ok, well I used to be patient, but that flew out the window YEARS ago. Ask my parents, they'll tell you that organized, neat, and housekeeper would not be words to describe me at any point in my upbringing. I'm pretty sure that no one who has ever known me would describe me as being positive or full of energy. I hate routines, I get bored of doing the same thing over and over again really, REALLY fast. I try to ignore/hide from my children on a very regular basis. No really, its every day...they annoy me a lot, and they scare me a lot. I always, always wanted children, and now that I've got them I try to find ways to get away from them. I'm selfish, I want to do things that make me happy and when I don't get them I get very grumpy about it. Those don't paint the picture of a devoted mother, now do they? I suppose I could say I'm consistent, but when the only thing I'm consistent with is being bad at my life I don't think it really counts. I haven't even really described the whole family provider/wife side of it all, just trust me when I say I'm not any good at that either.

Fate must have brought me here and I hope someday to know the reasons why. Until then I'll just keep chugging along hoping to not do TOO much irreparable damage to other people who live in my house, and every now and then having days where I just shake my head, throw up my hands and ask "How?!?!? Why?!?!?"


db said...

I constantly wonder how I got here or what im doing her even. Ive been known to look around and see if theres anyone else standing here, you know, like wondering why Im living THEIR life? Havent had any takers tho....I think sometimes life throws you things your not familiar with, just to see what happens...

Anonymous said...

You are exactly where you need to be, trust in that. Love is all around you and even if those other things seem like they are out-of-reach, somehow you find some way of making them happen and being the glue that holds it all together. Even if you don't see it.