Friday, July 25, 2008

Birthdays and bellydancing...

So I'm turning 31 on Saturday and I think its more depressing than 30 was. Not sure why. Maybe because nothing's changed in the past year. Maybe because I still haven't been able to lose any weight and the years just keep slipping by... Who knows. I just know that I'm really not excited about being 31. Ah well...can't do anything about it, so "Happy Birthday To Me...."

But I am excited about bellydancing. LOL. Yeah, who would have thought that someone who is way too close to 300 lbs would LIKE belly dancing? But I really do, its tons of fun and a really good workout. And apparently I'm actually GOOD at it. A couple of the ladies in the class who have been doing it awhile have made comments about how good I am for only doing it for a few weeks. This week was the first in the second 4 week session I've signed up for. At the beginning of class she has everyone introduce themselves. When it was my turn and I said it was only my second session the instructor said "But you've done some belly dancing before right?" Of course not...fat chicks and belly dancing don't mix lady! No I didn't really say that, but I was thinking it, LOL. I know there are some "Goddess" sized women who belly dance and I've seen pics of them, but I have yet to see anyone quite as "Goddess"-like as myself! *snort* Me and Goddess in the sentence, bwahahahaha! Anyway... She said she thought I had because I picked up the dance really well in the first session. I was like, wow, she's complimenting me!! And its not like she could mistake me for anyone else in the class, ROFL, so she must have really meant it!

There's a woman in the class whose lost 86 maybe that will be me someday. I just might be able to enjoy dancing and finally look good doing it!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Ever feel like "This can't be my life..."

Not that your life you're wondering about is so terrible or miserable, its just that you don't seem to be the right fit for it and you're not sure how you ended up there. Like my life for instance... My life seems to require someone with TONS of patience, someone who is organized and neat, someone who thrives on routine and consistency, someone with a whole lot of energy, someone who is positive and optimistic, someone who happily devotes all their time and energy to their family, someone with the personality/qualities/time management skills necessary to be a competent parent & housekeeper & financial provider all at the same time, someone with the ability to keep a grip on their own emotional state. And not only does my life require a person with all of this, but it requires that this person be GOOD at all of these things, like really good. And not only be good at them, but ENJOY them.

Seriously... If you know my children and their histories & personalities well enough, and if you know my husband's job situation, and if you've seen where I live (my apartment and the geographical location of it), you would completely understand why my life absolutely requires all these things. I'm not overexaggerating here, I really don't believe that anyone could successfully live my life without those qualities. Again I stress that it's not that my life circumstances are just is what it is.

What IS bad is that I am SO not that person that I described, I am very unsuccessfully living my life. I'm not cutting myself down here either, honestly, I just really, really am not those things...any of them! Ok, well I used to be patient, but that flew out the window YEARS ago. Ask my parents, they'll tell you that organized, neat, and housekeeper would not be words to describe me at any point in my upbringing. I'm pretty sure that no one who has ever known me would describe me as being positive or full of energy. I hate routines, I get bored of doing the same thing over and over again really, REALLY fast. I try to ignore/hide from my children on a very regular basis. No really, its every day...they annoy me a lot, and they scare me a lot. I always, always wanted children, and now that I've got them I try to find ways to get away from them. I'm selfish, I want to do things that make me happy and when I don't get them I get very grumpy about it. Those don't paint the picture of a devoted mother, now do they? I suppose I could say I'm consistent, but when the only thing I'm consistent with is being bad at my life I don't think it really counts. I haven't even really described the whole family provider/wife side of it all, just trust me when I say I'm not any good at that either.

Fate must have brought me here and I hope someday to know the reasons why. Until then I'll just keep chugging along hoping to not do TOO much irreparable damage to other people who live in my house, and every now and then having days where I just shake my head, throw up my hands and ask "How?!?!? Why?!?!?"

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The last of my neighbors moved out today...

Ok, well not THE last, cuz, ya know, we live in an apartment complex and all...and if somehow every single person moved out of this hole before us I'd probably have to hang myself... But the last of the neighbors I ever really talked to. They were a very nice couple, the lady, V, somehow took quite a liking to me and my kids and was always so nice and sweet to us. (Prolly cuz she never heard what went on *inside* the house, LOL!) She's the kind of person you just have to like, very friendly and finds the good in everything. For example I was talking to her a bit today and had to send E in the house cuz he screamed at the top of his lungs that he hated me. A few minutes later I went inside to see what R needed and E tells me "During school its the parents time, but now its summer and the kids get to make the rules and do whatever they want and you weren't doing what I wanted and you have to do what I want!" Now me, I'm thinking oooooh, buddy you have NO idea the kind of hurt that attitude is going to get you, LOL. But she thinks, "wow, that's an amazing thought process, its great that he can verbalize all that." She LOVES to talk, which was nice sometimes since I don't get much adult conversation, and not such a good thing others, like when I'd end up making dinner way to late because we got to talking! She took care of her grandson during the day who is just a couple months younger than K, so we'd see each other out a lot.

And now that they are gone there's nobody left to talk to, so its kinda sad. :-( There are people we say hi, how are you in passing ya know, but its not the same. Oh, there's the crazy chick who lives at the end of our building who will talk your head off, but we try to avoid her as much as we can!

Monday, July 14, 2008

They can smell weakness

Why is this such a natural born talent with children? The moment you ever so slightly begin feeling less than 100% they turn on every annoying quality they posess. The worse you feel, the worse they get, its like a 6th sense.

I've been feeling like crap with the flu ever since Friday evening. I haven't been sick in a really, really, really, long time so I guess my body is trying to make up for that by making me feel more miserable than necessary. Saturday C took the boys to a movie and yesterday he took R to work with him, so today is the first day with just them and me. My body is slightly less sore than yesterday but it still hurts everywhere, my fever is gone but my throat still feels like its being sliced with a daggar every time I swallow. My lungs & chest hurt every time I breathe in. And now I keep having pains in my stomach and just generally feel kinda nauseous and crappy.

And what are E & R doing?? Are they being so sweet and loving and taking care of their sick mother. Heeeeeeeck no! They are doubling, no tripling their usual efforts to get to me. All day it is has been one thing after the other. A constant stream of whining, crying, arguing, not listening, "you're SO mean"-ing, laughing at me when I get beyond irritated and yell at them, etc, etc, etc...lather, rinse, repeat. Of course along with that they are also in top "oblivious to punishments" form.

Ya wanna know what's REALLY annoying? 'Course you do! ... I took karate away from them for the day because they can't seem to behave like humans or listen to anything I have to say to save their lives (which they might actually HAVE to do before the end of the day cuz I can't take much more of them!) Now I know that doing so is really only punishing myself because that's one more hour of them being here to plan their takeover. R was upset, but only for about 2 minutes...and E didn't care. So in the end I'm doubling screwing myself, not only are they stuck here with me for that time, but they'll be continuing full force with the bad behavior because they could care less that they are not at karate.

Its really not fair, the universe should not allow for this to happen. It just should not be ok for a mom to feel like crap, have children who behave like warring Brownies on crack (remember the little tiny guys on Willow?), and a ton of laundry and dishes and diapers that need to be washed...all at the same time.

You know that Baby Borrowers show...those teens should have to come live in my house and deal with the mess and the screaming for a few days. To heck with that fancy new house and unrealistic kids crap. My life is perfect birth control!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What is wrong with me, I cannot type!!

So lately I've been noticing I'm having a HUGE problem typing. I used to be able to type super fast and I hardly ever made mistakes. Occasionally, of course, when my fingers would go faster than my brain, but I was a pretty darn decent typist.

But for like the past month I swear every other word comes out wrong. Seriously, I had to fix about 7 mistakes in that last sentence...and so far 3, no 4, er 6 in this (7) one. I'm either mixing up letters, putting completely wrong letters, putting spaces in the wrong spot, typing words completely different from what I'm thinking in my head... Its really annoying and I can't figure out what the heck is up.

If I left all the typos that I make nobody could tell what the heck I was trying to say. Just for shits and grins...I'll write a paragraph about what I did today without fixing anything.

Went to hte drctor this morning to hav emy IUD taken out. It seems to mbe causing me all sorts of problems so I ahd the eveil thing gotten rid of. Came ohme, took a npa, erll, tried to take a nap, I laid there not sleeping. Did some math and reading work with the boys while sick K took a nap. Fed everyone lunch. Took R to hsi cardiologist appointment, which went well, aside from his screaming blooyd mursdera the top of his lungs when tie was time for hte EKG. By the time we got him to sit still long enough he was sweating buckets, I'm suprpirsed they were able to get anything at all. Back hom with just enough time for snack befoer karate. Took K for a walk while the boys did that since she's been such a huge cgrump today. There is a really nice walking path near the community cneter, I wished I sould have brought my ipod. Hmid though, so i was feeling sticky, bleck. made some weried stuffed chicken thing for dinner, wasnt' the greatest, too dreid out from my crappy oven. Put everyong to bed, woo hoo! Wtched some tv, cleaned the living room, and that's about ib.

So you see, its a disaster...and let me just say it was REALLY hard for me to leave all those typos, its like automatic for me to hit the backspace when something goes wrong. I was actually impressed on a couple sentences, did better on them that usual! Its a good thing I don't have a job that depends on my typing skills, I'd totally be fired!

There must be some sort of blockage from my brain to my hands, or my fingers have taken on a mind of their own, or....I have no idea. If it weren't for that MRI I had I'd be convinced I have some sort of brain tumor. Oooh, oooh, maybe the magnets from the MRI have scrambled my brain and turned it to mush and THAT'S the problem!

Ok, ok, so that whole sanity thing...not finding it right about now!