Resolutions...

Does anyone make New Year's Resolutions anymore?? I don't even know why I bother to make them, or even think about them...I never accomplish them. Oh sure I have good intentions for a few weeks, but the bad habits always win out in the end.

If I were to resolve to do anything this year it would be...

1. Lose weight. Just like every other year for the last half of my life. Maybe I should change it to "Not gain any more weight." If I set my expectations low enough I just might accomplish what I really need to do.

2. Keep my house clean for more than a week at a time. Seriously? Why would I say that, do I even KNOW myself...do I even KNOW my kids...and the dog, and my husband?? Not gonna happen.

3. Spend less time on the computer and more time with my kids. But I've said that for the past several years and I keep going more and more insane...maybe not such a good idea, hiding from my life on the internet could be more beneficial to their well-being.

4. Get more sleep. Ok, THIS is a good one that I should really try for since I've been beyond sleep deprived for over a year. Now if only K would comply I'd be good to go...

5. Get a job. As much as the idea of having even MORE responsibilities piled on me when I'm already totally overwhelmed...and as much as the idea of getting some crappy job in retail or food just for the paycheck makes me want to puke...I need to suck it up and find a way to help us get out of the hole.

6. Find a way to be happy with the life that we've been given. How does that song go...if you can't have the one you want, love the one you're with. Life has dealt us a lot of shitty cards the past few years and not many good ones. But I'm tired of being miserable about everything, I'm tired of wanting what I don't have. I'm tired of feeling like we've put our happiness and our lives on hold just waiting for things that may never happen. I need to stop thinking about how much everything sucks and look for the good, no matter how small it may be. I need to change my thinking and my mind set to a more positive one. I need to stop living for the "ifs" and "mights" and just deal with what is.

So there you have it, a list of what I would do this year if I had enough self-motivation and self-control to go through with it. Only time will tell what I'll actually accomplish.

And my wish to everyone out there...have a very happy and virtuous 2008!!

So its Christmas Eve...

And we're back to celebrating all by our lonely, miserable selves. Granted we didn't want to travel this year after doing it two years in a row, and granted we have absolutely no money to go anywhere even if we wanted to...but still. It always makes me sad for my kids when holidays come and its just us.

I didn't have the biggest or most loving family growing up, but there were always holiday gatherings with lots of yummy food and goodies. Lots of talking and sometimes movies or game playing. Lots of laughing and joking around. All that times two since mine & my mom's and my step-father's families all lived close.

But because we have no one here and are generally the most boring (and broke) people in the world...my poor, neglected children get to celebrate by sitting around at home all day long doing nothing. To them, Christmas is basically just about getting gifts because we either can't afford or aren't creative enough to do anything else. Every year I vow to change that, but every year something always gets in the way. And I suppose I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Someday, someday...

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Do you ever have those moments...

when so much is going wrong and you are so tired of being mad that all you can do is sit there and laugh? I had a night like that last night. E got in trouble yesterday and C wanted me to have him write sentences for his punishment. Well before I could do that he needed to finish his homework and do his daily reading time. I started cooking dinner while he was reading, which happened to last until it was about 5 minutes until dinner time. C comes home and sees E not writing sentences and starts bellowing at me about it. So I'm already totally ticked off at E, K has been grouchy and sick all day, and now my husband is yelling at me for no good reason. There's only so much a person can take, ya know...and I was very near my limit. So to make a long story short, C went off leaving me alone with the kids to feed them dinner. E would not sit down for anything and I was really close to super gluing his bare butt to the chair. Then he swings his arm for whatever reason...knocking over R's cup of milk. **insert curse words and failing effort to stifle the urge to scream at the top of my lungs** I clean that all up and E is finally in his chair eating because I think now he is actually fearing for his life. So, I start thinking maybe we can finally just get on with dinner and get it over with. Then, WHAM!! milk is flying everywhere again! This time R tipped over his own cup while trying to put in down. O-M-G First I said a few more curse words, then sat there and shook my head, got really annoyed at the fact that my husband was in the other room playing with K and totally oblivious to fact that'd I'd like to drown E & R in a jug of milk at that moment, wondered what kind of explosion he'd have had had he actually been there...and then all I could do was laugh. I laughed the whole time I was cleaning it up. The boys probably thought I was insane at this point, I'm sure I was a sight...laughing, tears rolling down my face, my head still shaking at it all, and ready to rip their heads off if ONE more thing happened.

Aaaahhhh....I know everyone's got to be jealous of my life, come on, admit it!!

Just what every parent wants to hear

I go to pick E up from school this afternoon and see his teacher bringing his backpack out. She comes to me and says "E is throwing up in the trash can right now. He wasn't feeling well at lunch time so I sent him to the office, but they didn't send him home." Greeeat, cuz ya know I just love puke. Of course he's been acting totally fine ever since, so *maybe* just *maybe* I can hope that he saved it all for school. Most likely he'll be just peachy until about 5 minutes until its time to leave for school in the morning, then he'll puke again.

I just don't think I can take a 4 day weekend 3 weeks in a row. Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

(2 weeks ago they had 2 days off because of the fires. Last week they had 2 days off for parent/teacher conferences. And they have next Monday off for Veteran's Day.)

I'm only 4 months late...

I've been a total slacker blogger lately and even bigger slacker when it comes to my weight loss efforts. I had been improving, exercising more and walking every morning during the week, I was even up to hour long walks. I was doing good and feeling good, eating better as a result. Then a couple weeks ago I just started to feel exhausted all the time. I had no motivation to exercise, I was feeling more stress, and I started eating crap again. I'm not sure what is/was wrong with me, but I know I've got to get back on track. So, I thought, how about I FINALLY post my "public humilation diet" pictures. For anyone who is new to reading my blog or who has forgot because its been so long...at the beginning of the year I tried to get back into healthier habits and planned to post a picture of myself here at the end of June wearing a bathing suit if I didn't meet my goals. Well, as you know by now I didn't do so hot. And as life is always crazy here I could never remember to take the pictures and post them. But today, it is finally done. So, here I am...feel free to throw up if you have to, I wouldn't blame you, I'm disgusted with myself too.

What do you mean its August???

I can't believe how fast this summer has flown by. But, of course, that's only cuz I've spent so much freaking time going to the doctor, ugh. And now just over a full week of August is gone, sheesh. (And yeah, I'm aware that I still haven't posted the picture, I'm really not purposely avoiding it, just life has been crazier than expected.) I complain, but yet, I really hope the next few weeks continue to fly by with Ryen & Clint in the hospital for the feeding program. These first few days have sucked big time, but that's because I'm miserably sick. Yes, it was finally my turn. I refuse to go to the doctor though, LOL.

I haven't forgotten my public humilation

I really, honestly haven't forgotten that I was supposed to post a pic of myself in my bathing suit as penance for not sticking to my diet/exercise plans. It has been crazy around here this summer and the time has gotten away from me. I will get it done before the end of the month, I swear!

Its a good thing I didn't become a doctor

So my whole childhood life all I ever wanted to be was a doctor, no other career even crossed my mind. By the time I got to college I was so burnt out by working several jobs at a time and going to school at the same time that I decided I was DONE with putting in that much effort. Of course, being lazy and medical school just don't mix...or at least, they shouldn't. Although I'm not convinced every medical professional feels that way.

By the end of this week I will have been either to a doctor, a dentist, or a therapist's office 9 times over the course of the past 2 weeks. 9 times!! (Only 1 of those being for myself!) I am so sick of going to appointments I could just puke. You'd think I'd be used to it by now with all the crap we've had to do for Ryen over the past 5 years...but I while I'd been quite annoyed at times I hadn't gone over the edge until now. I honestly never want to step foot in a medical office ever again. I think I might scream at someone the next time they tell me I have to bring in one of my kids for an appointment. If they aren't dead or close to it I just might not (same goes for myself).

Which might actually be a problem considering my oldest child isn't looking very likely to live through the summer. Oh, did I say that out loud?

Exercise, nostalgia, and being an old lady magnet

So I've been walking more the past couple weeks, but so far haven't gotten off my butt to get on the elliptical. I'm thinking it'll be way easier when school is done, but in the mean time I've got to figure out some way to fit it in. There's just SO many things to do in a day and I've been SO exhausted, I don't know how to do it. It seems like I don't have enough space in my brain to think of all the things I'm supposed to be doing. Besides feeding/changing/playing with the baby, feeding kids/husband, driving back and forth to school, taking dog out, attempting to keep the house in order, paying some amount of attention to my husband, remembering to have Ethan do his homework, working with Ryen to get him to eat, and occasionally using the bathroom or taking a shower...I have to remember to not eat crappy food and drink enough water and exercise too. Its all so overwhelming to me, I'm not sure how to do everything. Its looking more and more like I'm gonna be posting that picture of myself in a bathing suit at the end of June since I can't for the life of me stick to any of my goals. Prepare yourselves now...

Ok, on to other things... I thought it would be a cool thing to make a dvd of video of the kids for our mother's for Mother's Day. So Clint borrowed some video capturing equiptment from work and we worked together to make this dvd that has picture montages with music along with video of each of the kids. It turned out really great. But looking back at the pictures of the boys when they were little made me really sad. They used to be so cute and sweet, and now they drive me insane on a daily basis. Where did those precious little boys go?? And why the hell did they leave these heathen children in their place???? *sigh* I can't even remember when they were that small anymore, they are so grown up looking now. And the pictures of them together, they looked like they had such fun together...anymore they can't stop yelling or hitting each other long enough to enjoy each other's company.

Speaking of cute...I think my kids are pretty darn cute (but what parent doesn't think their own kid is the cutest that ever lived???), and I know that other people think my kids are cute, I've heard it over and over and over again ever since Ethan was born. Somehow Clint's genes and mine combined to make beautiful children, whodathunkit? I'm really glad that my kids aren't ugly to other people...but seriously, I'm SO sick and tired of people making comments about it. Ever since Katelyn has arrived its been worse, she has made me an old lady magnet. I cannot walk through the grocery store or walmart without being stopped several times by people wanting to go on and on about how adorable she is. 80% of these people are little old ladies. They have to stop and look at her and talk to her, and then talk to me about their kids and who they know that has red hair, yadda, yadda, yadda. If I'm lucky I'll only see them once, but usually I'll see these same people over and over again in every other aisle. And if I have all the kids with me its gets even more annoying. First they'll see the boys and talk about their hair and how beautiful they are, and then right as I'm about to escape...they notice the baby and it starts all over again. Ugh, I just want to do my shopping and get out of the store people!!! I know, you're all thinking something is seriously wrong with me. Who doesn't want to hear about how cute their kids are?? Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't hear it every flipping time I'm out somewhere, but these 6+ years of constant "look at the red hair, where do they get the red hair from, he/she/they are so cute, you have beautiful children, hey "X" (while grabbing their friend/spouse/etc who is with them) look at how cute these kids are" has just been too much, I feel like we're some sort of circus side-show..."Come one, come all, look at the abnormally adorable children in aisle 5!!" I don't even know what to say to people anymore, "thank you" is getting a little old and "yeah, yeah, I know, cute, red hair, get over it" seems a bit rude...any suggestions??

Water, water everywhere...

and yes I did drink! I didn't actually measure my ounces, too much going to and too forgetful of a brain to do that. But, I knew how many times I needed to refill my cup for the day to get what I needed and almost every day I got at least the minimum in.

And now the goal I've been putting off...the one I've been dreading figuring out how I'm going to actually be successful at. Can you guess?? Yep, its the increasing exercise goal. These days I can't seem to even get the most basic stuff all done in a day...anything extra just doesn't happen. So I have no idea how/when I'm going to actually get any exercise in. I know this is the goal that I NEED the most so I HAVE to do it, but just thinking about it makes me tired.

The book lists different levels of activity and even though I haven't been exercising in weeks I don't really fall into level 0, but at the same time I don't think I do quite as much as is listed in level 1. I'd guess I'm at about a level .75...yeah, yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous. Anyway, my goal is going to be for this week to get to at least a full level 1. So, I'm going to get in as much walking as I can - walking to get Ethan from school most days, walking the dog more, parking further away, etc. And, I'm going to aim for 3 days of 15 minutes on the elliptical. If I can do the elliptical as well as the extra walking that it would put me slightly above a level 1, which would be even better. Slow and steady wins the race right? Maybe if I make baby step increments in my exercise it'll be easier...maybe.

And the results are in...

And I did so-so last week. There were a couple nights I did eat past 8:00. But when I did eat something it wasn't as much as what I had been, so at least there was some improvement.

I kinda slacked on the healthy breakfast, but only because I wasn't in the mood for oatmeal everyday and we were out of almost everything else since I never made it to the grocery store.

New goal for the week, hydration. I'm aiming for 80-100 oz of water a day.

I did it!

I *finally* reached a goal, LOL. I ate a healthy breakfast everyday for the past week. Yay me!! So, now I think for this week I'm going to add in the no eating after 8pm thing. This will be a bit harder since I've been doing a lot of this lately. I also want to work on getting to bed earlier, so maybe if I can actually do THAT it'll be a no brainer to not eat at night.

So I'm sure you've noticed....

that after all my goings on and on about sticking to my weight loss plan and being honest about everything, that I haven't mentioned it in ages. Well, that's cuz I've been totally and completely sucking at it, again. I can't seem to get out of the funk that I've been in, not really sure what's wrong with me. I'm doing better than I was, but it is still FAR from good enough. I haven't even stepped on the scale since the last time I posted it here, I'm sure I won't find anything good there so I've been avoiding it. Not sure what its going to take me to get out of this fog, but I'll get back on track eventually, I hope. Maybe even the simple steps of the Best Life Diet phase 1 is too much for me, maybe I need to only do 1 at a time. So, this week I'll start with the healthy breakfast step. I figure I already eat breakfast everyday, so this shouldn't be too hard of a place to start and actually be successful at. Plus I have a stressful and busy week ahead, I don't know how much exercise I'll get in, ugh.

The Snail Killing Fields...

That's what its like around my apartment complex in the evenings after it has rained. That's when the snails come out, they come out in droves, they are everywhere...the bushes, grass, sidewalks. Its the sidewalks that are most problematic for the poor unsuspecting snails. People walk around the complex, to the mail, to walk the dog, back and forth from their cars...all totally oblivious to the many, MANY snails that are covering the sidewalks. The defenseless snails who are just out for a stroll, not realizing their lives are in serious jeopardy at the hands (ok, make that soles) of the humans. It is dark afterall and really who's thinking about snails? Well, except for me. After you've murdered a snail you try to be more careful, the crunch and smoosh that you hear is a sound that haunts you. But then you move on and start thinking about something else...and then WHAM, you've commited another homicide. In the light of morning after such a night you'll find their smooshed bodies all about. Sometimes you'll even see a live snail grieving over the body of his friend. Its quite sad really.

Please take a moment of silence to honor the dead snails.

Thank you...now you may go about your day.

Strike 569,347,812

So I pulled and pushed and shoved and sweated and cussed many times and got Katelyn's crib set up in our room today. Which was quite a feat considering there really is no room for the crib, let alone enough to maneuver around to put it all together. And I have yet to figure out where to put all the crap that was previously in the place where the crib is now. All in the hopes that maybe she'll sleep better in it than in the pack-n-play bassinet thing. I'm pretty much over sharing my bed every night (my back can't take it much longer) and spending half my day sitting on my ass because the only place she'll nap is on me (or battling with her over 10 minute naps if I decide I'm not going to let her sleep on me.)
She fell asleep a while ago, I laid her down, gave her the binky, patted her butt...she was out. Took dog out, got mail. Ethan followed me, then decided to run back into house and get Ryen. Who, btw, had already come outside and ran the opposite way around the building. Ethan yells and yells and yells for Ryen in the house...and wakes the baby up. Total nap time approximately 4.5 minutes.

Another week...

another whole lot of nothing to say.

We are officially staying in this crap-hole apartment for 3 more months. I can deal with the overwhelming lack of space, but there is one thing that I just don't know if I can. And that is the shower. It has only 2 temperatures, scalding hot and ice cold. It freely moves between those two extremes at will. Sure you can try and adjust it, but it has a mind of its own and does what it wants anyway. Sometimes it doesn't even know what it wants...for example it will be scalding (I'm talking about so hot your skin starts to blister and peel just being a foot away from the water), then will start its decent to cold and you will feel SO relieved, but no, it was just a tease, back to scalding again. Sometimes, like maybe 2 or 3 times a week, you can catch a moment of pure pleasure where you can actually stand in the water for about 15 seconds. *sigh* That's nice... I spend every morning cursing. Why not have them fix it you ask?? Well because it supposedly HAS already been fixed. The whole building had the problem and they found something broken and replaced it. 'Cept ours only got worse. Plumber guy blames it on the new shower head we put in with the hose thingy so y ou can take it down. Whatever... A shower head does not make the water stay supremely hot for like 10 minuters even when you've turned the dial as cold as it goes.

Been in a funk lately...

I haven't posted much lately cuz I just haven't had anything good to say. I'm so frustrated with so many aspects of my life right now and its just getting depressing. This week I tried to force myself to get some exercise every day and open the blinds to let some light in. I did good on the light part, the exercise not so much...but some is better than none right? I started feeling a bit better anyway, not great, but better.

I weighed myself on Monday and it was 274.5, I didn't even have the toffee to blame, LOL, so I know the gain is just been me being so down about everything. Since I'm trying out this Bob Greene thing I can't weigh myself again for 4 weeks per the rules of Phase 1. That will be REALLY hard for me, but hopefully it'll be good at the end of it. Phase 1 is composed of organizing your meals better (eating breakfast for sure, and then 1-2 snacks between the other meals), drinking enough water, increasing exercise, and not eating after like 7 or 8 at night. I've got the meal thing down, I did exercise more this week, I did make sure to drink plenty of water *almost* every day, the not eating at night thing is another hard thing.

The kids are all feeling better. Ryen and Katelyn still occasionally cough, but mostly they are all over their ailments. Hopefully it'll last a while! I still feel like I'm coming down with something about every other day but I haven't gotten officially sick yet, maybe its allergies or something.

Oh, and in case anyone is confused like I was...I started this post days ago and never finished, so I'm actually posting it in the morning on the 10th, not Tuesday.

Boring and yet crazy week

So I haven't had much to say this week, too much going on and too many sick kids I guess. At the same time it feels like its been a really looooooong week and like nothing happened...which is really far from the truth. Tuesday had to take a trip to the peds office, Ethan has an ear infection and pneumonia, Katelyn has bronchiolitis and is getting breathing treatments. I didn't have her check Ryen cuz I was afraid of what she'd find (and he didn't seem too bad off), but he's got the stuffy nose and cough too. I've been fighting it off, but I'm about to give up the fight and just wish to get sick and get it over with! Wednesday was Ethan's birthday, he's SO excited to be 6. I think he had a good day, I took cupcakes to his school, he had a friend over to play, he got 3 boxes of gifts and a new scooter from us. And that's about it.

Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

"The Best Life Diet" question #3...

I have only been really successful at losing weight once. Other times I’d lose a few lbs here and there, but no more than 10 or 15 and it would come back pretty quickly. The one time I actually was doing well I had lost 50 lbs. The day after that weigh-in I flew to MN to attend my mother’s 50th b-day party. I never saw that number on the scale again. So why did that happen? I believe it happened because I went back “home”. Back to where I grew up, back to where I felt so unwanted by my family and everyone else around me, back to where everyone has always known me as the “fat girl”, back to where the seeds of my deep unhappiness with my life began. Subconsciously I was reminded of why I don’t feel like I deserve to get the things I want in life. I really think had I not gone on that trip I may have continued to lose. I haven’t been able to truly get back on track ever since that trip. My self-confidence and self-esteem were shattered at a very young age and every time I turned around as a child I felt like I was being slapped in the face by how awful I was, so being back in that environment just took me right back to that dark place even if I wasn’t conscious that I was going there. I started to believe at a very young age that I couldn’t have the things I wanted or any sort of happines or I couldn't be the person I wanted to be, even when I wanted to change it felt like other people wouldn't let me, I begain to believe that I was doomed to failure and misery. So, even now I allow myself to fail over and over and over again because I don’t really think I can have success or deserve to have happiness.

Why Do I Want To Lose Weight?

"The Best Life Diet" question #2...

I want to lose weight because I hate the way that I am. I hate that I use food to solve all my problems or to just make it through the day. I don’t want to look the way I do anymore. I know other people look at me like I’m a freak, I know this because I look at people bigger than myself and think “wow, how can they let themselves get like that, that’s disgusting.” I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I want that to change. I know that what I see in the mirror isn’t what I really look like, I’ve seen pictures of myself and I’m always shocked at how big I am. I don’t know how, but what I see in the mirror isn’t my true self…and I want to be able to see who I really am. I want to be more attractive to my husband. I know he loves me the way I am, but I don’t think he’d complain if I lost 100 lbs or so. I don’t want my kids to be embarrassed by me. I want to be around to see my kids grow up, get married, have their own kids…and I know I might not be if I continue the way that I am. I want to be able to go into any store and buy clothes that I like and feel good about myself finally. I’m tired of feeling so big and heavy, I want to be light and energetic.

Friday weigh-in

So this week, not so good, 272.5. But I didn't gain as much from the english toffee as I thought I did, LOL! I also didn't do a lick of exercise because I've been so exhausted...I've had a hard time going to sleep at night, and Katelyn hasn't been sleeping well, and with the boys always up at the crack of dawn I just haven't been able to bring myself to get my butt out of bed any earlier in the morning than I HAVE to. I really don't want to use that as an excuse, but I've been literally unable to wake up. *sigh*

Why Am I Overweight?

I started reading Bob Greene's "The Best Life Diet" and in the beginning he asks you to really consider three questions. So I decided in light with my goal to be totally honest with myself and accountable to someone other than myself I'd post about it here. Why are you overweight is the first one, and here is my answer...

Ok, so there are the crappy excuses that don’t mean anything…I have a sweet tooth, I’m addicted to sugar, I have to eat chocolate everyday, I have a young baby and 2 other kids plus the dog and a husband so I have no time to exercise, I’m too exhausted to exercise, I hate to cook and junk food is just easier, healthy food costs too much, blah, blah, blah.

Now for the real reasons… I eat to make myself feel better. I’m completely overwhelmed by my life. My house is a wreck and I don’t even know where to begin to make things better. My boys are difficult to deal with, they leave me stressed and exhausted before half the morning is even over. I’m unhappy with so many things about my life. I don’t like where we live…I don’t like the apartment, I don’t like the town, I don’t even really like the state. I feel very alone, I have no friends, and we have no family around us. My husband works long hours and isn’t home a lot, when he is home he spends the majority of his time playing video games. And when he’s not doing that he’s pissy because of the kids or something I’ve done that he’s taken offense to. My entire life is getting up, dealing with my kids, making feeble attempts to take care of the house, going grocery shopping, making school runs, and going to bed. I don’t have anything other than being a mom and because my boys are so difficult I don’t even feel like I’m good at that. Feeling like I’m not good at something is very hard for me. I grew up being the “smart kid”, I got practically straight A’s all the while working 2-3 part time jobs in high school, I was going to go to medical school and become a doctor. So for me now to spend 95% of my time playing peek-a-boo and arguing with my multiple personality 4 year old and asking why for the 597,624,410th time my almost 6 year old is doing something he’s been told not to is difficult for me to accept. I used to feel like I was intelligent and good at things…now I feel like I’m a 4 year old. I’m a perfectionist deep down, so if I don’t think I can do something perfectly I don’t even try…so in all honestly I haven’t ever really, REALLY tried to lose weight. And I have very low self esteem, so I guess I don’t really think I’m worth it. I grew up being teased all the time…by my family, by kids at school. I never really had any close friends and I still don’t, I still wonder what is so wrong with me that people don’t like me. I used to think it was just because I was fat, but then I think somewhere out there has to be someone who can see past what I look like…so either I haven’t found those people yet or something else is making nobody want to be my friend. My father had wanted my mother to have an abortion, my grandmother wished my mother had joined the navy instead of getting pregnant…I felt like I wasn’t wanted by anybody. I started eating to cover up the pain at a very young age and I’m still doing it.

Something about warm chocolate chip cookies and ice cream and creamy milk chocolate, and well anything loaded with sugar and fat just soothes your soul. For about 5 minutes... Of course, ironically, it is also the same thing that makes me feel like total crap later on. *sigh*

So you may have noticed...

I didn't post my weigh-in yesterday. That's because I just forgot to do it. I got up and went about my morning and totally forgot to weigh myself. Honestly, it probably wasn't that I "forgot", it was probably my subconscious keeping me from throwing the scale against the wall. BECAUSE...while I really, really, really appreciate that my husband got me a valentine's gift at all, one he actually put thought into and didn't hastily buy on his way home from work...he got me a box of See's Candy english toffee and a container of toffee-ettes. Ok, I totally can't resist eating this stuff even though I know just looking at it probably makes me gain 10 lbs.

My son is such a man...

Ethan just came and told me he was eating his lunch, but he had to go to the bathroom. As he goes to sit back down I hear him say "Lunch is so good after a good pee." ROFLMAO...seriously, where do they come up with stuff like that??

Scored a bargain today!

I decided I needed some new underwear...I know, real exciting. But as all things on my body are not yet back where there were before I was pg mine keep falling down lately for some reason, totally annoying! So I was at Walmart this morning and I see this package saying it was a 3-pack. But I notice there are 5 pairs in this pack, so I was like yeah, bonus! Then I see another one that says 5-pack, but there were obviously more. So I count and I thought there were 8, but then I looked more closely and there are 10 pairs in it! I do some digging and find a bunch more of these 5-packs with 10 pairs in it. They haven't been opened or anything either. The sticker said $8.97, which sounded about right for 5 pair of cheap generic white mom underwear. So I figure I'll buy a package and see what I get charged, not really caring if it was more since I needed them anyway...and it was $8.97! It's like a BOGO!

What a WONDERFUL start to the weekend...

Ryen comes into my room at around 6:45 this morning saying something about Ethan pooping on his paper in their room. Since I'm still sleeping I didn't bother to get up, and really every other word out of their mouths these days is "poop" so I didn't think much of it. And it never dawned on me that my almost 6 year old son would actually poop in his room. Apparently I couldn't have been more WRONG! DH had gotten up to walk the dog and the next thing I knew he was bellowing in the boys room. Ethan had pooped on a poster that he laid out on the floor of his room. Now, this wasn't just a squat and poop situation, he had sat on the paper and pooped so it was all mushed everywhere. A huge spot on the poster and his butt was totally covered. Honestly I don't know how he managed to get it that way. Imagine if you'd decided to sit your bare ass on a huge pile of fresh crap and just wiggled around in it. Oh, and then you stood up and let it dry there, but not before you'd gotten some on your hands and used your back to wipe it off with. Yeah, it was real nice. It took me probably 15 minutes to hose him off in the shower. Now, lest you think he had to go really bad and didn't want to have an accident...the bathroom is right next to their bedroom. Literally there is like 3 inches between the doors, it would have taken him at least twice as long (probably longer!) to spread the poster out and take off his pants than it would have taken him to walk to the bathroom.

So again, another example of the crap (literally) that is my life!

Friday weigh-in

271 I admittedly didn't try very hard this week, but I'll take that pound!

500 less things to stress about...

Well, 500 less TOYS anyway. To make a very long story short...the boys had all their toys boxed up on Sunday because they refused to clean their room. All they have to entertain themselves with until after we move sometime at the end of March is books and puzzles. Of course like all the other times I've taken the toys away they could care less. Maybe in a month they'll start to care. All that poor, poor Ryen could find to take for his share at preschool today was a lonely fish from a game that didn't make it to the box. They also got the chance to go to Legoland taken away, and Ethan's not going to get a birthday party with friends any more either. Yep I'm a big, bad meany. But I'm ok with that, and even if it does take a month for them to realize that mommy's not taking their crap anymore, it'll be worth it. They've turned into these awful spoiled rotten brats who think they can have whatever they want and do whatever they want and don't have to do anything mommy or daddy says. Yeah, that's just not gonna fly around here anymore. Sorry boys, there's a new sheriff in town and she doesn't care how miserably bored you are.

I almost forgot!

See, I'm already slacking...I forgot to post my weight yesterday.

Ok, so here it is, don't laugh or throw up at how disgusting this is (only I'm allowed to do that, LOL!)...272 lbs. So I gained back the few lbs I lost at the beginning of January, and added another pound and a half, lovely.

Gotta love boys

So yesterday I get home from picking Ryen up from school, I put baby down and take the dog out. As I'm standing there waiting for her to do something I see Ryen come out the door. Nothing strange there. Then I notice he's holding his shirt way up. Somewhat strange as he usually doesn't like his shirt up. Out of the corner of my eye I see he still has his shirt up, so I say "Ryen, what are you doing?" And then I see what he is doing... He was peeing in the bush outside our door, pants around his ankles, shirt way up high, showing off to the world. He told me that daddy wanted him to pee in the dirt. Uh huh... At least no neighbors happened to be walking by, oh and he didn't pee in his pants.

On a different note, some progress may be made in the inpatient feeding program saga. I talked with "R" a couple times yesterday after I wrote her an email requesting she tell me just why this whole thing has been so damned complicated and why we have to continue to jump through all these hoops. Finally we figured out a way to possibly get around the re-evaluation. We're going to try and get Ryen appointments with all the people who would see him in the re-eval. If they all on an individual basis clear him for the program then he's in. It'll be more work on my part and more money for the insurance company, but at least something might happen. "R" spoke with Ryen's insurance case manager and she thinks this might be do-able so now I guess I just wait to see if we get the appointments.

More run around

So here's the reply I got to my email...

Hi Amanda:

Thanks so much for your email. I was off yesterday for some familybusiness but I thought about Ryen all day. First, our program is not for perfect children. Our mission is to resolve the worst feeding problems. Our intent is this re-eval was to set Ryen up for our program, not to deny him. I have been in touch with M about some compromises that I would like to discuss with you by phone. I'm at Mission Hospital today and will try to call you, possible this morning if I have a break in between patients or over lunch.

Thanks,
R

So she calls me and guess what her "compromises" are? Ugh. She thinks that if Ryen sees a different OT in conjuction with a behavioral psychologist for awhile he can make enough progress to satisfy the insurance people so they'll allow a new re-eval. O-M-F-G!! She says that she wants Ryen in the program but yet they are again putting it off longer and longer and making us jump through even more hoops. Oh, I didn't mention she wants him to do this for 3 months!! I can't believe how ridiculous this is, plus I can't afford the $30 a week it'll cost me to do that.

And I can never tell this woman what I'm really thinking when I'm on the phone with her because she doesn't stop spouting off her BS for even a minute. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

To be continued I guess...

No more Mr. Nice Guy

Or would that be Mrs. Nice Gal??? Anyway, there's a big long saga of trying to get Ryen into this inpatient feeding program. The latest is that the insurance company denied the authorization to have him re-evaluated. The dr who reviewed the case feels that Ryen is basically in the same position he was back in August and it wouldn't be worth it to re-evaluate him and possibly end up getting turned down again. So, while its kinda annoying, I totally agree with that. So, I wrote this email to the woman in charge of the program. Its totally pissy sounding, but I really didn't care. I've been yearning to give this woman a piece of my mind but I've held back and been the sweet, non-confrontational person that I am. But, no more! There's a long story as to why I dislike this woman so much which I won't explain, but she makes me want to hurl things at her head. So here's the email, think it was too much?? Maybe it was, but I wanted it to be, maybe that'll finally light a fire under her ass!! I took out the names to protect the innocent (that would be the 2 other ladies I referenced, not her!)

R,

I'm sure you've probably heard by now that the insurance denied the authorization for Ryen to be re-evaluated by the feeding team. Quite honestly I agree with the reason's that the doctor turned it down. Other than his weight, which you know he has the ability to gain, I don't think you are going to see anything different from him in a new evaluation. And like the doctor's opinion, I do not want to go through another evaluation only to have you turn Ryen down again. You said the last time we saw you that your concerns were put to rest, so I don't see why there would be a problem letting him in. S told me that you asked her if you thought he would succeed in the program. Well here's my opinion on that...I don't believe Ryen is the perfect child, which is from what I've gathered what you require for admission into the program. If he was perfect he wouldn't need the program. So if you want a perfect child then we should probably just stop pursuing this. But if you want a child who needs help and would benefit from it, then there's probably not many better candidates than Ryen. I'm not looking for 100% success. Even as much as 50% would be amazing to me. I know 50% doesn't look good for you, and I don't mean to sound snarky here, but how good you look isn't really a concern to me...helping my child is. If you are in this to help kids then it shouldn't matter how likely it is he's going to succeed if we're willing to put in the effort to do it.

So, what I need to know is how can we get Ryen into the program? What exactly do we need to accomplish in order for him to meet your high standards? And if we can't do it without the re-eval then I need to know how we can do the program on an outpatient basis. You told me at his first evalutation that it could be done outpatient, but you have provided NO information whatsoever about what the program is so that we can do that. I feel like we've been wasting our time for the past 5 months waiting for you to tell us something, and Ryen isn't getting any younger, I don't think we have that kind of time to waste. I have plenty of other things to spend my time and energy on, I don't want to continue to pursue this for nothing. If you have some sort of problem with S that is keeping you from giving her information then give it to me, or give M the information. We're not therapists, but at least it would be something.

I'll let you know what kind of response I get, LOL!

I need a huge kick in the ass

I've totally been sucking at my attempt to eat healthy and exercise. I lost some of the baby weight initially, but I've gained some back...only I can't call it baby weight now can I?? Ugh. I know, I know...she's only 3 months old I shouldn't be so hard on myself, right? Wrong, I can't use that as an excuse anymore. I'm sick of myself. So, I don't even know how many people will read this, but knowing its in a place available for the public to read is good enough for me.

Someone on one of the boards I post on heard about something called the "Public Humiliation Diet" where there was this group of people who if they didn't lose weight in a certain time period they would have a picture of them in a bathing suit put up on a big screen at like a sports arena for everyone there to see. Now yes that is horrible, but I'm thinking of doing a modified version. If I don't stick to my goal of 5 lbs a month for the next few months I will at the end of June put a picture of myself here on my blog of me in a bathing suit. Trust me, NO ONE wants to see that! So, please join in giving me a big old cyber kick in the ass!

I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I'm certain I haven't lost 5 lbs this month. Who knows if I've even lost anything with all the crap I've been eating. I'm sure its the breastfeeding that is contributing to my never-ending appetite and sugar addiction, but I sure as heck can't live on chocolate and ice cream for the next year or so.

So, every Friday I'm going to post my weight for the week and how often I exercised. If I can't get my act together I'm going to start posting each and every bad thing I've eaten so all the world can see how much of a pig I am, talk about "public humiliation", LOL!

It never ceases to amaze me...

It isn't very often that our living room is clean. 99.9% of the time there is so much crap laying around that you can't take a step without doing some sort of evasive maneuver to keep from landing on your ass on top of a toy airplane or something. But on those rare occasions when you can actually see the color of the carpet this amazing thing happens to Ethan and Ryen. They'll run and run around like they've never been allowed to move in an area bigger than a square foot before. They go nuts, its quite hilarious at first. And then they start body slamming each other and someone gets hurt or they pick on the dog, etc., etc., etc. and my amazement of it all wears off rather quickly.

Today happens to be one of those amazing days. But something about today made it even more amazing...they HELPED me clean it up!! And they even did it without whining, yelling, or having me repeat myself 15 times for each thing I ask them to pick up. I'm marking this day on the calendar.

Joining the ranks of "soccer moms" everywhere

Today we bought a mini-van. Yes I now own a dreaded mom-mobile. Luckily for me vans nowadays are pretty darn cool. Our new ride is a 2003 Honda Odyssey, its a deep blue color and light grey on the inside. Its decked out with leather seats, power sliding doors, a dvd player, cd player, less than 40,000 miles, and we can afford it (which is a great plus!) What really sold me was the beeping sound it makes if you open the door while the lights are still on. My CRV did not do that, I can't tell you how many times we ran the battery down in that bad boy.

We really didn't mean to buy a van today. We went to pick up some strollers a mom of a boy in Ethan's class offered to me and we peeked at their van. They mentioned their lease was up soon and they were probably going to buy it and then turn around and sell it. So, we left their house and went about our day. As we were driving past a Honda dealership Clint asked if I wanted to stop and look at vans, I said, "why not, its freezing, so probably not the best day to look though."

We looked around and found a couple that were what we were looking for, I instantly liked the one we chose better than the others though even though its a year or two older. Had make a pitstop back at our old car to change a nasty, nasty blowout, that was fun. Luckily I had extra clothes with me today. No socks though, poor Katelyn's feet were like icebergs. They crunched some numbers, offered to pay off our CRV and even with no money down (cuz we're totally poor) we were able to afford the payments (thanks to Clint's newly paid off car, woo hoo!!) Waited around for a gazillion hours for all the paperwork to be done, and drove off the lot with our new car. I know, I know...many will say you should never do that, but really everything fell into place so easily that it seemed like it was just meant to be.

Its best to begin at the beginning.

I tried this whole blogging thing in the past but never had anything interesting enough to say. I still don't, but I'm a sucker for peer pressure and it seems that everywhere I go all I hear about is other people's blogs...so I'm trying it again. Here's to new beginnings!

Like I said, I don't have much interesting to say, so my first post in my blog is going to be about poop. Seriously my life has been about a LOT of poop, not only from my own 3 children, but I've spend most of my life around young children, and I was a toddler teacher prior to having my own kids. I have a memory scorched into my brain of a kid who...honestly, you really don't want to know, its THAT gross.

So, anyway, back to the topic at hand...my baby has an ear infection and has been on antibiotics, as a result I've been drowning in a sea of poop all week. Who knew such a little thing could poop SO much! Seriously, where does it all come from??? And not only is there a lot of it, but its been everywhere. I've changed her clothes more times this week than I probably did her entire first month of life. Of course, she is blissfully unaware of my plight, as long as I don't put her in the carseat with a poopy diaper she could care less. Then there's Ryen. For some reason all week he's been pooping a little in his pants before he goes to the bathroom. I'm SO over the poop in the underwear thing, there's practically nothing I despise more.

Cross your fingers that next week will be better, I'd at least like my house to smell a bit nicer.