Monday, February 26, 2007

Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

"The Best Life Diet" question #3...

I have only been really successful at losing weight once. Other times I’d lose a few lbs here and there, but no more than 10 or 15 and it would come back pretty quickly. The one time I actually was doing well I had lost 50 lbs. The day after that weigh-in I flew to MN to attend my mother’s 50th b-day party. I never saw that number on the scale again. So why did that happen? I believe it happened because I went back “home”. Back to where I grew up, back to where I felt so unwanted by my family and everyone else around me, back to where everyone has always known me as the “fat girl”, back to where the seeds of my deep unhappiness with my life began. Subconsciously I was reminded of why I don’t feel like I deserve to get the things I want in life. I really think had I not gone on that trip I may have continued to lose. I haven’t been able to truly get back on track ever since that trip. My self-confidence and self-esteem were shattered at a very young age and every time I turned around as a child I felt like I was being slapped in the face by how awful I was, so being back in that environment just took me right back to that dark place even if I wasn’t conscious that I was going there. I started to believe at a very young age that I couldn’t have the things I wanted or any sort of happines or I couldn't be the person I wanted to be, even when I wanted to change it felt like other people wouldn't let me, I begain to believe that I was doomed to failure and misery. So, even now I allow myself to fail over and over and over again because I don’t really think I can have success or deserve to have happiness.

1 comment:

Kimmykay said...

It is sad that things in our past affect us so much. My mom was a huge yo-yo dieter and I know a lot of the reasons why she couldn't keep it off is because she always felt like her family thought of her as a failure (her mom and dad). Keep up the work, I know it is hard.