Very, very wrong. It was way over 80 degrees outside today. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt because it's been cool-ish most of the time lately. But Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke on us today, just when we get used to the pants and jackets and enjoy freezing every evening...she throws in a flip flops and tank tops middle of August kind of day.
We went to get lunch and pick out a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree, in the over 80 degree heat. There was no shade, just the blazing sun beating down on us. It felt like my skin would spontaneously combust. Did you know it is really hard to feel the Christmas spirit when you want to strip down to your underwear in the middle of the Home Depot parking lot?
In the car while driving, it was cool with the air conditioner on. You could see the leaves falling off the trees, it looked like a pleasant fall day. Until you opened the car door and melted onto the sidewalk.
I always feel like I am in an alternate universe the last few months of the year. People start preparing for all the various holidays and to me it feels like summer is barely over. Then I look at the calendar and realize there is less than 2 weeks until Christmas and I haven't even taken the photos for the Christmas cards, let alone ordered, received, and sent them out.
Then I hear family and friends are digging out from tons of snow in MN, the roof of the Metrodome collapsed under all the snow. It's just not fair.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
You may have noticed...
That I haven't posted in a really, really, really long time. My summer ended up being very quiet and kinda boring with child #1 in Texas for 2 whole months, and child #2 in Minnesota for a month. My girl and I hung out and really not much happened to talk about. Did fly to MN twice, spent about a week and a half total there between the two trips. It was nice to be back "home", and that's pretty much all I can say about the matter without getting myself into trouble with my husband (hi honey!)
School started and I ended up with 2 extra beings around here. I have been doing daycare for my friend's dog and baby. The dog is a HUGE pain in the butt, literally HUGE...he weighs about 90 lbs and is only 7 months old! The baby is a cutie, but man, she is a grumpy child! She screams more than all of my kids put together I think. I can't get anything done, ever. I had been doing some homeschooling preschool with K and all that went out the window.
We're in a better routine now, but life overall has been overwhelming for me and I just haven't been able to get here to post. I'm basically a single parent since poor C is working really long hours. Trying to manage the house all by myself and wrangle my difficult children, plus dealing with the 2 extras has been wearing on my nerves...a lot! I've turned into a person I don't like, so that's another reason I have been staying away from posting.
I guess if anything (aside from the money) this experience has shown me that there is no way I could ever handle being a mom to 4 children, LOL! Only a few more weeks though, the baby turns 1 on December 21st and can go to a daycare on base that is a lot cheaper for mom & dad. Hopefully things will be a bit easier then. If not then I am seriously considering medication.
Going to try to get back into posting, but if you don't hear from me for another 6 months don't be surprised!
School started and I ended up with 2 extra beings around here. I have been doing daycare for my friend's dog and baby. The dog is a HUGE pain in the butt, literally HUGE...he weighs about 90 lbs and is only 7 months old! The baby is a cutie, but man, she is a grumpy child! She screams more than all of my kids put together I think. I can't get anything done, ever. I had been doing some homeschooling preschool with K and all that went out the window.
We're in a better routine now, but life overall has been overwhelming for me and I just haven't been able to get here to post. I'm basically a single parent since poor C is working really long hours. Trying to manage the house all by myself and wrangle my difficult children, plus dealing with the 2 extras has been wearing on my nerves...a lot! I've turned into a person I don't like, so that's another reason I have been staying away from posting.
I guess if anything (aside from the money) this experience has shown me that there is no way I could ever handle being a mom to 4 children, LOL! Only a few more weeks though, the baby turns 1 on December 21st and can go to a daycare on base that is a lot cheaper for mom & dad. Hopefully things will be a bit easier then. If not then I am seriously considering medication.
Going to try to get back into posting, but if you don't hear from me for another 6 months don't be surprised!
Monday, June 7, 2010
At long last
Finally!! Tomorrow is one of my two favorite days of the year...the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!
What is my other favorite day of the year you wonder? The FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!
I believe that moms fall into certain groups. There's the "Summer Moms" who take their kids to the park every day and the beach and movies and do crafts and go to museums and playdates and the zoo and picnics and the pool and summer camps and...well you get the idea. The enjoy being free of the routine of the school year and free to hang out with their kids doing fun things. They try to pack as much fun and entertainment as is possible into their days.
Then there are the "School Year Moms". Those are the ones who'd rather chew their own arm off than push their kid on the swing for 3 hours. Er, maybe that's just me. They like the familiarity of the school days where they always know what has to come next (getting up, going to school, coming home, homework, making dinner, bedtime!!!) and they take much joy in sending their little ones off each day.
I am definitely NOT a "Summer Mom." Staying home with my kids is simply not fun, they are loud and obnoxious and they fight constantly and complain of being bored and make a huge mess all the time. Taking my kids out places is even less enjoyable. The amount of chaos they create at home pales in comparison to the torture they dole out for me when I take them out of the house. I love them all dearly, but I do not really like them when forced to take them in large doses. Maybe if I had well behaved children I'd feel differently. I have a friend who has these well behaved children (several of them, more than I have) and they do all sorts of fun things. And at times I do wish we could experience those same kind of activities. But then my own non-well behaved children are fighting and crying and hitting and arguing all at the same time all in a matter of 5 minutes just while I'm trying to get them into the car and then proceed to scream things at me about how mean and horrible I am while I'm trying to drive them to do one of those fun activities...well I quickly remember why I'd rather stay home.
So I fall into the category of the "School Year Mom", although really I'm more of a "Beginning of the school year Mom." The middle of the school year there is too much time off, starting with 1 week at Thanksgiving, 2 weeks at the holidays, 1 week in February, and ending with 1 week of spring break in April....enough vacation already! The end of the school year starts to feel like things are dragging on. I'm sick of helping with homework and all the papers that come home and trying to get everyone out the door on time in the morning.
So tomorrow I will rejoice at no longer having to trek to the school twice a day in the van and I'll happily recycle all the papers and workbooks that were brought home. I'll wash the backpacks and put them away for the next 2 months. I'll revel in this freedom...for about 24 hours. Because by Wednesday afternoon I'm going to be counting the days until I can rejoice yet again.
What is my other favorite day of the year you wonder? The FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!
I believe that moms fall into certain groups. There's the "Summer Moms" who take their kids to the park every day and the beach and movies and do crafts and go to museums and playdates and the zoo and picnics and the pool and summer camps and...well you get the idea. The enjoy being free of the routine of the school year and free to hang out with their kids doing fun things. They try to pack as much fun and entertainment as is possible into their days.
Then there are the "School Year Moms". Those are the ones who'd rather chew their own arm off than push their kid on the swing for 3 hours. Er, maybe that's just me. They like the familiarity of the school days where they always know what has to come next (getting up, going to school, coming home, homework, making dinner, bedtime!!!) and they take much joy in sending their little ones off each day.
I am definitely NOT a "Summer Mom." Staying home with my kids is simply not fun, they are loud and obnoxious and they fight constantly and complain of being bored and make a huge mess all the time. Taking my kids out places is even less enjoyable. The amount of chaos they create at home pales in comparison to the torture they dole out for me when I take them out of the house. I love them all dearly, but I do not really like them when forced to take them in large doses. Maybe if I had well behaved children I'd feel differently. I have a friend who has these well behaved children (several of them, more than I have) and they do all sorts of fun things. And at times I do wish we could experience those same kind of activities. But then my own non-well behaved children are fighting and crying and hitting and arguing all at the same time all in a matter of 5 minutes just while I'm trying to get them into the car and then proceed to scream things at me about how mean and horrible I am while I'm trying to drive them to do one of those fun activities...well I quickly remember why I'd rather stay home.
So I fall into the category of the "School Year Mom", although really I'm more of a "Beginning of the school year Mom." The middle of the school year there is too much time off, starting with 1 week at Thanksgiving, 2 weeks at the holidays, 1 week in February, and ending with 1 week of spring break in April....enough vacation already! The end of the school year starts to feel like things are dragging on. I'm sick of helping with homework and all the papers that come home and trying to get everyone out the door on time in the morning.
So tomorrow I will rejoice at no longer having to trek to the school twice a day in the van and I'll happily recycle all the papers and workbooks that were brought home. I'll wash the backpacks and put them away for the next 2 months. I'll revel in this freedom...for about 24 hours. Because by Wednesday afternoon I'm going to be counting the days until I can rejoice yet again.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Life Reflecting Art
Er, reflecting someone else's life is more accurate I suppose. One of my neighbors loaned me their copy of "Eat Pray Love" to read. She warned me the beginning was kind of depressing and not that exciting, but it got better. I hadn't ever had any desire to read this book because the subject matter didn't really interest me, but I was in the middle of "Memoirs Of A Geisha" and I figured depressing HAD to be better than mind-numbingly boring so I was happy to give it a try.
Interestingly enough, the first part where she is immersed in pleasureable things in Italy, including food, was not difficult for me to read at all. I didn't find the talk of her divorce depressing and I finished that part of the book very quickly. Maybe I liked it because I've always thought Italy would be a beautiful place to visit. Not that it was the best thing I ever read, but enjoyable enough.
But the second part, where she's meditating in an Ashram in India...that was like punishment for me to read. I was either bored and falling asleep (although I must say it was still more interesting than the Geisha book) or just plain irritated with what I was reading. I felt like I had as much trouble getting through that part of the book as she did with getting her mind right while meditating. I couldn't get through that section fast enough, many times I thought about just skipping ahead.
So reading about eating good food = enjoyable. Reading about meditation & prayer = nearly torture. I found this parallel to my own life quite humorous. My husband, who has very similar beliefs as I do, laughed at the irony as well.
You see, clearly food & I get along very well, and I would totally love to have the freedom to just do whatever I wanted and indulge myself in pleasurable activities. At this point of my life I'd love to even know what I would do if I did have the opportunity, because right now I honestly have no idea what *I* like. As for the other, while I'm not opposed to meditating for it's relaxation/stress reduction benefits, the whole becoming one with god and the universe (and, well, pretty much anything having to do with religion) is just not my thing. In my past attempts to give religion/belief a try I've always found myself feeling annoyed or bored. Nothing about it appeals to me, just like nothing about that section of the book appealed to me.
At the very least I got a laugh out of myself, and a welcome break from the monotony of that other book. Hmm, I suppose I should go back to reading that now, bummer.
Interestingly enough, the first part where she is immersed in pleasureable things in Italy, including food, was not difficult for me to read at all. I didn't find the talk of her divorce depressing and I finished that part of the book very quickly. Maybe I liked it because I've always thought Italy would be a beautiful place to visit. Not that it was the best thing I ever read, but enjoyable enough.
But the second part, where she's meditating in an Ashram in India...that was like punishment for me to read. I was either bored and falling asleep (although I must say it was still more interesting than the Geisha book) or just plain irritated with what I was reading. I felt like I had as much trouble getting through that part of the book as she did with getting her mind right while meditating. I couldn't get through that section fast enough, many times I thought about just skipping ahead.
So reading about eating good food = enjoyable. Reading about meditation & prayer = nearly torture. I found this parallel to my own life quite humorous. My husband, who has very similar beliefs as I do, laughed at the irony as well.
You see, clearly food & I get along very well, and I would totally love to have the freedom to just do whatever I wanted and indulge myself in pleasurable activities. At this point of my life I'd love to even know what I would do if I did have the opportunity, because right now I honestly have no idea what *I* like. As for the other, while I'm not opposed to meditating for it's relaxation/stress reduction benefits, the whole becoming one with god and the universe (and, well, pretty much anything having to do with religion) is just not my thing. In my past attempts to give religion/belief a try I've always found myself feeling annoyed or bored. Nothing about it appeals to me, just like nothing about that section of the book appealed to me.
At the very least I got a laugh out of myself, and a welcome break from the monotony of that other book. Hmm, I suppose I should go back to reading that now, bummer.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Product Review
I have insomnia. The kind where I'll wake up in the middle of the night and be unable to fall back to sleep for hours. When I have several nights of that in a row generally I turn to medicinally induced sleep by taking some Simply Sleep. I've heard about this stuff call Mid Nite that is a natural sleep aid that you can take anytime, including the middle of the night.
I finally got some to try. And, well, it's not as miraculous as I'd hoped it would be. It doesn't actually put me back to sleep. What it does is put me in a state that feels like I *could* fall asleep at any moment, but I don't. So I lay there, aware that I'm not sleeping and yet not fully conscious, for the same amount of time I'd normally have been laying there awake.
So I guess that's better...sort of. Maybe somehow in that asleep-ish state my body is getting some of the restoration it needs. My brain isn't going 60 miles an hour thinking over who knows what, it's just thinking I'm not sleeping, I really wish I was sleeping.
I don't necessarily NOT recommend this product, but I can't truly recommend it either.
I finally got some to try. And, well, it's not as miraculous as I'd hoped it would be. It doesn't actually put me back to sleep. What it does is put me in a state that feels like I *could* fall asleep at any moment, but I don't. So I lay there, aware that I'm not sleeping and yet not fully conscious, for the same amount of time I'd normally have been laying there awake.
So I guess that's better...sort of. Maybe somehow in that asleep-ish state my body is getting some of the restoration it needs. My brain isn't going 60 miles an hour thinking over who knows what, it's just thinking I'm not sleeping, I really wish I was sleeping.
I don't necessarily NOT recommend this product, but I can't truly recommend it either.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A piercing question...
No, not the kind of great importance...the kind about, well, piercing. I think I just might want another one. Not that I have many, or that the ones I do have are that interesting. They are, in fact, completely and utterly boring. My ear lobes have been pierced twice, although the top holes are closed up and I rarely wear earrings in the other ones. I do like the looks of certain piercings, but mostly I'm not big on stabbing my body with needles in crazy places, I wouldn't even get an epidural. I have always wanted another tattoo, but that's another topic for another day.
What would suddenly spark an interest? Well someone on FB was posting about their new piercing being infected. (Yes I realize it seems odd to desire something based upon someone else's discomfort.) The piercing she got is the tragus piercing. Honestly I'm totally uncool and I had no idea what that was, so I had to look it up, and yeah, I was a bit afraid to find out. (If you're as uncool as I am go ahead and click on the link, it isn't anything bad, it's on the ear!) But when I saw what it was I was like wow, I really like that, I want one!
Part of me is thinking, it's cool, I like it, go for it! And the other part is, I'm old, I'm boring, it probably won't look as good on me as it does in the pictures I looked at, and I don't really want to purposely cause myself pain, do I?
So, I don't know...should I, or shouldn't I?
What would suddenly spark an interest? Well someone on FB was posting about their new piercing being infected. (Yes I realize it seems odd to desire something based upon someone else's discomfort.) The piercing she got is the tragus piercing. Honestly I'm totally uncool and I had no idea what that was, so I had to look it up, and yeah, I was a bit afraid to find out. (If you're as uncool as I am go ahead and click on the link, it isn't anything bad, it's on the ear!) But when I saw what it was I was like wow, I really like that, I want one!
Part of me is thinking, it's cool, I like it, go for it! And the other part is, I'm old, I'm boring, it probably won't look as good on me as it does in the pictures I looked at, and I don't really want to purposely cause myself pain, do I?
So, I don't know...should I, or shouldn't I?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
New blog
Just wanted to announce that I have created a new blog focused on my weight loss journey. It is called "The Pursuit of Myself", if you're interested come check it out!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Week 1
Are you wondering how my first week of taking joy in cleaning my house has gone? Well...my house is still a total disaster. It wasn't that I hated the act of doing it, I just avoided it at all cost. So I guess that's a baby step, not quite sure if it's the right direction or not, but a baby step nonetheless.
In my defense, I was very distracted this week. First by the excitement of the Biggest Loser Finale, and then by the multitudes of people seeming to make their sole purpose in life to piss me off. My brain was so filled with irritation by Thursday that I was pretty much useless as far as accomplishing anything.
Did anyone watch the most recent Amazing Race? During the last leg one of the tasks was for one team member to navigate another through two video game levels, but the one being navigated couldn't see anything.
What does that have to do with anything you ask... Considering the level of disaster in my house I really think THAT is what I need. Someone to direct me to the place where I need to start cleaning, and guide me all the way to the end, and I couldn't be allowed to see any of the mess (other than directly in front of me) because then I'd be too overwhelmed to keep going. I think a lot of women would appreciate such a thing, don't you?
Dear Mr. Lucas, I know you are all into the movie and video game business, but I think there's an unexplored market out there for you. You can call it Cleaning Wars. Queue the scrolling text...
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away Right now in homes across the country... A mother sits in the middle of her house, surrounded and defeated. Galactic battle droids Her children hold her hostage with stolen light sabers nerf guns and leaky sippy cups. The floor a mine field of tiny legos and dirty laundry. There is no escape. Her only hope...a small band of rebel mothers, fed up with their homes being destroyed, are on their way. Their plan? To take back the galaxy house, room by room.
In my defense, I was very distracted this week. First by the excitement of the Biggest Loser Finale, and then by the multitudes of people seeming to make their sole purpose in life to piss me off. My brain was so filled with irritation by Thursday that I was pretty much useless as far as accomplishing anything.
Did anyone watch the most recent Amazing Race? During the last leg one of the tasks was for one team member to navigate another through two video game levels, but the one being navigated couldn't see anything.
What does that have to do with anything you ask... Considering the level of disaster in my house I really think THAT is what I need. Someone to direct me to the place where I need to start cleaning, and guide me all the way to the end, and I couldn't be allowed to see any of the mess (other than directly in front of me) because then I'd be too overwhelmed to keep going. I think a lot of women would appreciate such a thing, don't you?
Dear Mr. Lucas, I know you are all into the movie and video game business, but I think there's an unexplored market out there for you. You can call it Cleaning Wars. Queue the scrolling text...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Biggest Loser!!!!!
So, yesterday evening I got to attend the live finale of Biggest Loser season 9. I took along my friend Jenn who I've known from an online mom's group for many years now. Talk about being starstruck...oh my, there were so many cool people to see! There were a ton of past contestants (who all look so great and just like they did on tv), the families of current contestants, Curtis Stone was there. And of course the current contestants, Bob, Jillian, and Dr. H. We were like "oh look its him and her and them, and wow!"
I started watching Days of Our Lives when I was like 5 years old, I would go to my grandma's house and she watched it so I did too. I was a diehard fan for a good portion of my life! I haven't really watched it regularly the past several years, but I do catch it now and then. So it was especially cool for me to see Allison Sweeney. Her husband and mom sat right behind us. I also saw James Scott, who plays EJ on the show. He sat 2 rows behind us, and he stood right next to me for a few moments after the show so I asked for his autograph!
We got autographs also from Dan & Jackie Evans from BL season 5 (Jackie also smiled and waved at me one of the times she was walking by!), Daniel from BL's season 7 & second chances, and Eric the BL season 3 winner (who gained back all his weight.) He is looking fantastic, btw!! Danny Cahill, the BL season 8 winner had a small video camera he was using, he also smiled and waved at me while he was panning the audience. They all seemed like super nice people!
Our seats were in the front row in the center section. So many of the past contestants walked right by us before the show and during commercials while they were off catching up with all their friends. Even Bob walked right by us. They were close enough we could have reached out touched them.
The show itself was great to watch. To see these people in person and imagine where they started and how amazing they look now was so awesome! Mike, Ashley, Daris, and Koli all looked so genuinely happy, there wasn't a loser among them! I was truly impressed with Mike, he came so far and he really looks like he doesn't have that much further to go.
They gave away tons of free gifts, I got a box of the lemonade flavored protein drink they have, and a cd of workout music. Plus everyone who came got some coupons for a free month of membership to the Biggest Loser Club, a 30 day one-club membership to 24 hour fitness, and 5% discount on a 1 week reservation to the Biggest Loser Resort.
While we were standing waiting to be allowed into the studio we got talking to a girl wearing a green Biggest Loser shirt. Jenn asked if she actually knew Miggy or Migdalia. She said that she had visited the Biggest Loser Ranch. She is a huge fan of the show and was needing to lose weight and really wanted to go there for inspiration. She ended up meeting Miggy while she was there. Apparently the Biggest Loser Ranch is really a big park that you can actually go to, you can hike on the trails and mountains that they do on the show. How cool is that?
Anyway, it was just a really great experience and I'm so glad I got to go!
I couldn't take any pictures while I was there, but here are some of the things I collected.
Ticket to get in...
I started watching Days of Our Lives when I was like 5 years old, I would go to my grandma's house and she watched it so I did too. I was a diehard fan for a good portion of my life! I haven't really watched it regularly the past several years, but I do catch it now and then. So it was especially cool for me to see Allison Sweeney. Her husband and mom sat right behind us. I also saw James Scott, who plays EJ on the show. He sat 2 rows behind us, and he stood right next to me for a few moments after the show so I asked for his autograph!
We got autographs also from Dan & Jackie Evans from BL season 5 (Jackie also smiled and waved at me one of the times she was walking by!), Daniel from BL's season 7 & second chances, and Eric the BL season 3 winner (who gained back all his weight.) He is looking fantastic, btw!! Danny Cahill, the BL season 8 winner had a small video camera he was using, he also smiled and waved at me while he was panning the audience. They all seemed like super nice people!
Our seats were in the front row in the center section. So many of the past contestants walked right by us before the show and during commercials while they were off catching up with all their friends. Even Bob walked right by us. They were close enough we could have reached out touched them.
The show itself was great to watch. To see these people in person and imagine where they started and how amazing they look now was so awesome! Mike, Ashley, Daris, and Koli all looked so genuinely happy, there wasn't a loser among them! I was truly impressed with Mike, he came so far and he really looks like he doesn't have that much further to go.
They gave away tons of free gifts, I got a box of the lemonade flavored protein drink they have, and a cd of workout music. Plus everyone who came got some coupons for a free month of membership to the Biggest Loser Club, a 30 day one-club membership to 24 hour fitness, and 5% discount on a 1 week reservation to the Biggest Loser Resort.
While we were standing waiting to be allowed into the studio we got talking to a girl wearing a green Biggest Loser shirt. Jenn asked if she actually knew Miggy or Migdalia. She said that she had visited the Biggest Loser Ranch. She is a huge fan of the show and was needing to lose weight and really wanted to go there for inspiration. She ended up meeting Miggy while she was there. Apparently the Biggest Loser Ranch is really a big park that you can actually go to, you can hike on the trails and mountains that they do on the show. How cool is that?
Anyway, it was just a really great experience and I'm so glad I got to go!
I couldn't take any pictures while I was there, but here are some of the things I collected.
Ticket to get in...
Seat tag with autographs
Confetti!!
Free prizes!
James Scott "EJ" autograph
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I was...
I was going to come here and write something yesterday. It really seemed like a good idea at the time. But then it slipped my mind amongst all the other things I was doing. I just remembered a few minutes ago, oh yeah, I was going to write a post! But....but....what in the heck was I going to write about??
I have no idea. Guess it wasn't all that important after all.
Today should be an equally exciting and boring day. I am going to the taping of the Biggest Loser finale!!!!! (That's the exciting part!!!) Of course that will entail approximately 5 hours of driving and likely a couple more hours worth of waiting around. (That's the boring part, if you couldn't tell.)
Bummed that I can't take any pictures to show you, but hopefully there will be something fun to tell you.
I have no idea. Guess it wasn't all that important after all.
Today should be an equally exciting and boring day. I am going to the taping of the Biggest Loser finale!!!!! (That's the exciting part!!!) Of course that will entail approximately 5 hours of driving and likely a couple more hours worth of waiting around. (That's the boring part, if you couldn't tell.)
Bummed that I can't take any pictures to show you, but hopefully there will be something fun to tell you.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Resistance Is Futile
I think I've been approaching my life all wrong. I've been fighting against so many things because I never saw myself as THIS person that I am. But resistance really is futile, it's not getting me anywhere, hasn't been for a very long time now. It's time to look at things in a whole new light. Maybe what I am living really IS my destiny and I need to start embracing it.
For example... Growing up I was never an organized, neat person. My room was always a mess, you could hardly walk though it. That was the only way I could find anything, if I put stuff away I never remembered where it was. But now, being a stay at home mom with 3 kids, my life revolves around making things neat or clean or organized. I NEVER wanted to be that person. Yes I did want to stay home with my kids, but all the other stuff...heck no! I wanted to be a mom, not a maid. Apparently nobody ever told me they were one and the same.
I've been telling myself for years that I hate to clean and cook and do laundry and dishes and grocery shop. I sit and look at how awful the house looks, but because I truly believe that I dislike (with every bone in my body) the activities that would fix it, I end up doing nothing. Hiding away from it with one excuse after another. Then things stay awful, and I stay stressed and miserable.
But maybe that story I've been telling myself is a lie. Maybe I actually AM destined to spend my days making things clean. Maybe I COULD actually get joy and satisfaction out of being a homemaker if I were to just stop fighting against it.
Clearly no other person in this family values it like I do. Nobody else can be bothered to pick up their crap or scrub a toilet. It's like torture to them. There's always something else for them to do that is more important than the dishes or the laundry. I am the only person bothered by the mess around here. So maybe that is a huge cosmic sign to just embrace it. Maybe for me REALLY living is to dive into doing all this stuff with happiness.
Nothing (and I really mean NOTHING) that I've ever tried as far as a career path has worked out for me. Maybe that's because I'm not meant to do anything other than what I am right now. Seriously, the most successful job I've ever held has been...um...probably scooping ice cream at Baskin Robbins when I was 15. I've always thought I was meant for more than retail or food jobs. Even being a toddler/preschool teacher never really felt like the right fit, I loved the kids, but somehow I always felt uncomfortable.
So I'm going to really try hard to stop thinking about who I thought I was going to be and focus on the life that is happening while I'm being who I actually am.
I may be back here in a week posting that I was right originally and this life is completely wrong and I do actually hate cleaning up after everyone. Just a warning...
For example... Growing up I was never an organized, neat person. My room was always a mess, you could hardly walk though it. That was the only way I could find anything, if I put stuff away I never remembered where it was. But now, being a stay at home mom with 3 kids, my life revolves around making things neat or clean or organized. I NEVER wanted to be that person. Yes I did want to stay home with my kids, but all the other stuff...heck no! I wanted to be a mom, not a maid. Apparently nobody ever told me they were one and the same.
I've been telling myself for years that I hate to clean and cook and do laundry and dishes and grocery shop. I sit and look at how awful the house looks, but because I truly believe that I dislike (with every bone in my body) the activities that would fix it, I end up doing nothing. Hiding away from it with one excuse after another. Then things stay awful, and I stay stressed and miserable.
But maybe that story I've been telling myself is a lie. Maybe I actually AM destined to spend my days making things clean. Maybe I COULD actually get joy and satisfaction out of being a homemaker if I were to just stop fighting against it.
Clearly no other person in this family values it like I do. Nobody else can be bothered to pick up their crap or scrub a toilet. It's like torture to them. There's always something else for them to do that is more important than the dishes or the laundry. I am the only person bothered by the mess around here. So maybe that is a huge cosmic sign to just embrace it. Maybe for me REALLY living is to dive into doing all this stuff with happiness.
Nothing (and I really mean NOTHING) that I've ever tried as far as a career path has worked out for me. Maybe that's because I'm not meant to do anything other than what I am right now. Seriously, the most successful job I've ever held has been...um...probably scooping ice cream at Baskin Robbins when I was 15. I've always thought I was meant for more than retail or food jobs. Even being a toddler/preschool teacher never really felt like the right fit, I loved the kids, but somehow I always felt uncomfortable.
So I'm going to really try hard to stop thinking about who I thought I was going to be and focus on the life that is happening while I'm being who I actually am.
I may be back here in a week posting that I was right originally and this life is completely wrong and I do actually hate cleaning up after everyone. Just a warning...
Friday, May 21, 2010
I am alive, but not fully functioning
This was another week of pretty much nothing happening or getting accomplished. My neck strain or whatever it is has still been bothering me...A LOT. And it was re-injured on Wednesday night by several middle of the night coughing fits, so my head is just all full of irritation about being in constant pain.
The whole week has kinda of been one big dysfunction for me. I've been irritated like 24/7, people are annoying me left and right. I've avoided writing anything so I didn't sound like a huge beotch, but in celebration of Friday I'll let you hear it today. I know you're thanking me, but just maybe it'll make you feel better about your week.
My children keep bugging me about having playdates with their friends. Why must they choose THE most irritating kids to want to play with? R's friend is a messed up kid. His mom died (not sure when exactly) and I'm sure he has a lot of issues that go along with that. But while I sympathize, it doesn't make me like him any more. E and this kid are always arguing, this kid is always lying about giving them Lego guys that he never intended to give away, he hit R in the head today (and yet R still asked me about a playdate.) Ugh. E's friend? Well, there's nothing nice I have to say about that kid. He also has a questionable family life, supposedly his dad died but I'm not sure if that's true, I do know his mom is remarried. He has influenced E to do so many inappropriate things, clearly he is exposed to and allowed to do things that are well beyond what happens in our home. Because of this kid E has gotten in trouble at school and at home MANY times. And no matter what we say, this kid is more important to E than anything else.
Why can't my children pick nice, normal kids to be friends with? Is that too much to ask? E's friend is moving in a few weeks at least, I am forever grateful to the U.S. military for moving these people across the country. Is it bad to say that? It probably is. But the thing is, I don't much care, that's how much I dislike this kid.
Also supremely irritated at R's teacher this week. I admit, I am totally grouchy this week. The pain in my neck is making me very crabby and totally not in the mood to deal with anybody's crap. But this lady and her indirect ways of commenting on R's unfinished work just hit me the wrong way. She's been no help to him at all this year and if she's got a problem with how he's been doing then she needs to come out and just say it. I can't help if I have no idea what is going on.
My MIL isn't at the top of my list either. She wants E to come spend the summer with her. She was planning on getting his plane ticket and all that. We've been waiting to hear if she'd made the reservations yet. Yesterday I get an email from her complaining about all that she's had to do at work and asking if I could arrange for the plane ticket for her. Yeah, because I have nothing better to do. The thing is, you can't buy a ticket for an unaccompanied minor on an online site. So I can't really search for the cheapest priced airline very well. I'm going to have to call the airline(s)...which is a big problem for me because of my whole despising using the phone with people I don't know thing. (Oh, you didn't know about that? I'll save that story for another day.) So I either just pick one and not care about the price, or have to call around to several causing even more angst for myself. The only good thing I get out of it is sending my son away for 2 months. Oh crap, um, did I just say that out loud? Dang...
I know there were a lot of other instances of irritation this week, those are just the main ones. I will again hope to be back to regularly scheduled programming next week, but clearly I can't promise anything!
The whole week has kinda of been one big dysfunction for me. I've been irritated like 24/7, people are annoying me left and right. I've avoided writing anything so I didn't sound like a huge beotch, but in celebration of Friday I'll let you hear it today. I know you're thanking me, but just maybe it'll make you feel better about your week.
My children keep bugging me about having playdates with their friends. Why must they choose THE most irritating kids to want to play with? R's friend is a messed up kid. His mom died (not sure when exactly) and I'm sure he has a lot of issues that go along with that. But while I sympathize, it doesn't make me like him any more. E and this kid are always arguing, this kid is always lying about giving them Lego guys that he never intended to give away, he hit R in the head today (and yet R still asked me about a playdate.) Ugh. E's friend? Well, there's nothing nice I have to say about that kid. He also has a questionable family life, supposedly his dad died but I'm not sure if that's true, I do know his mom is remarried. He has influenced E to do so many inappropriate things, clearly he is exposed to and allowed to do things that are well beyond what happens in our home. Because of this kid E has gotten in trouble at school and at home MANY times. And no matter what we say, this kid is more important to E than anything else.
Why can't my children pick nice, normal kids to be friends with? Is that too much to ask? E's friend is moving in a few weeks at least, I am forever grateful to the U.S. military for moving these people across the country. Is it bad to say that? It probably is. But the thing is, I don't much care, that's how much I dislike this kid.
Also supremely irritated at R's teacher this week. I admit, I am totally grouchy this week. The pain in my neck is making me very crabby and totally not in the mood to deal with anybody's crap. But this lady and her indirect ways of commenting on R's unfinished work just hit me the wrong way. She's been no help to him at all this year and if she's got a problem with how he's been doing then she needs to come out and just say it. I can't help if I have no idea what is going on.
My MIL isn't at the top of my list either. She wants E to come spend the summer with her. She was planning on getting his plane ticket and all that. We've been waiting to hear if she'd made the reservations yet. Yesterday I get an email from her complaining about all that she's had to do at work and asking if I could arrange for the plane ticket for her. Yeah, because I have nothing better to do. The thing is, you can't buy a ticket for an unaccompanied minor on an online site. So I can't really search for the cheapest priced airline very well. I'm going to have to call the airline(s)...which is a big problem for me because of my whole despising using the phone with people I don't know thing. (Oh, you didn't know about that? I'll save that story for another day.) So I either just pick one and not care about the price, or have to call around to several causing even more angst for myself. The only good thing I get out of it is sending my son away for 2 months. Oh crap, um, did I just say that out loud? Dang...
I know there were a lot of other instances of irritation this week, those are just the main ones. I will again hope to be back to regularly scheduled programming next week, but clearly I can't promise anything!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Happy Anniversary to us!
C & I have been married 11 years today! I feel like I'm in some sort of time warp lately, because it seems like only a couple months ago I was writing about R turning 7 and C & I's 10th anniversary. And yet, here it is a whole year later. I thought 2010 was going by fast, but the entire past year has just flown by.
I'm still sick, and as a result my house is a wreck. I'm hoping to feel more like I belong in the land of the living by next week and return the house to it's usual state of disarray instead of the massive one it's in now. My coughing is better, my throat is slooooowly getting less sore, and my energy has returned a bit...so I'm hopeful. However, the muscle strain in my neck that I got and was made worse by a horrendous coughing fit ISN'T getting any better. Between my throat and my neck I'm really over being in continuous pain.
I'm still sick, and as a result my house is a wreck. I'm hoping to feel more like I belong in the land of the living by next week and return the house to it's usual state of disarray instead of the massive one it's in now. My coughing is better, my throat is slooooowly getting less sore, and my energy has returned a bit...so I'm hopeful. However, the muscle strain in my neck that I got and was made worse by a horrendous coughing fit ISN'T getting any better. Between my throat and my neck I'm really over being in continuous pain.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Happy Birthday to you!
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R turns 8 years old today!! So hard to believe how fast time flies, wasn't he JUST that chubby baby who scooted around on his butt instead of crawling? Hope you have a great day today buddy!
Monday, May 10, 2010
If only we could know why they think what they think
I've been sick and haven't really had anything to say for several days. But this morning a conversation occured in my kitchen that was too funny not to mention. My oldest child, E, is going to Texas to spend the summer with his grandma after school gets out. We've talked about this as a family a few times, haven't made a secret out of it or anything, E has certainly mentioned it often.
So this morning E is saying something about it again and all of a sudden my middle child, R, catches on. Like he finally understands what we've been discussing all along, and once he realizes that E is actually spending all summer with grandma he starts whining and yelling and crying things like "Nooooo, no you're not!" and "That's NOT FAIR!!!" He spent a good 3 minutes agonizing over the injustice of his brother visiting grandma for the whole summer and him having to stay home.
And then? Well then the wheels began to turn in his crazy mixed up little mind. As suddenly as the whining started, a switch was flipped and he really got the message.
Now he says to his brother with excitement in his eyes..."That means you're not going to be here!" And the smile returns to his face.
Ahhhh, can't get enough of that brotherly love.
So this morning E is saying something about it again and all of a sudden my middle child, R, catches on. Like he finally understands what we've been discussing all along, and once he realizes that E is actually spending all summer with grandma he starts whining and yelling and crying things like "Nooooo, no you're not!" and "That's NOT FAIR!!!" He spent a good 3 minutes agonizing over the injustice of his brother visiting grandma for the whole summer and him having to stay home.
And then? Well then the wheels began to turn in his crazy mixed up little mind. As suddenly as the whining started, a switch was flipped and he really got the message.
Now he says to his brother with excitement in his eyes..."That means you're not going to be here!" And the smile returns to his face.
Ahhhh, can't get enough of that brotherly love.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Inappropriate parenting?
My almost 8 year old has a new favorite song. A song that uses a phrase many, many times that contains a word that most parents would discourage their youngsters from using. I'm not sure if he likes it because of that word and he can get away with saying it because it's in a song and he's singing it....or if he likes it just because it's a song with a catchy beat that gets stuck in your head.
But he loves it, and it probably doesn't help that I'll play it for him pretty much whenever he asks. *blush* My bad. So I encourage my kids to use bad words for the sake of music...they're gonna learn it someday, right? Might as well be under my supervision. No? Probably not, but it's kinda late now, oh well.
The song.
But he loves it, and it probably doesn't help that I'll play it for him pretty much whenever he asks. *blush* My bad. So I encourage my kids to use bad words for the sake of music...they're gonna learn it someday, right? Might as well be under my supervision. No? Probably not, but it's kinda late now, oh well.
The song.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Freeeee!!!!
My dysfunction today involves shopping. Well, it wasn't actually supposed to involved shopping. It was supposed to involve me going into Lane Bryant and collecting my free pair of Cacique panties and leaving. (You still have 3 more days to get in on this if anyone is interested....click here.)
But I am indecisive, very indecisive. If I see a bunch of good choices in front of me I just can never tell what the BEST one of those is. So I wander around looking at my options (plain color only), and seeing all the others that aren't my option, and really liking them better. Then I see that there is a sale. 5 for $29. If you get the non plain color that's like getting 3 free. Who can pass up 3 free pair of underwear?
Not me, that's who. So much for for the free shopping trip, but really that's their goal isn't it? But now I don't have to pick just one, I have to pick 6 (my 5 + the free one). Ok, who thought THAT was a good idea??? That only makes it harder. So I'm searching and searching, thinking it really shouldn't be so hard, I mean nobody but me is going to see them, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they aren't going to look as cute on me as they do laying on the table. My daughter is totally unimpressed by this shopping adventure and can't understand why we can't just leave and go get lunch.
There are 2 other women there with their free coupons in hand as well. One lady took about 2 minutes to choose the one (and only one!) she wanted. What's up with that? Why am I incapable of that? The other lady...she took some to the dressing room to try on. Ummm...ewww. I mean, I get it (you want to make sure they are the right size/fit, and the saleslady did remind her she needed to keep on her own undergarments)...but, but I don't get it. Ok, well really my problem with this is totally my own issue. I would be mortified to try on underwear and bring them back to the table if I didn't like them. Why? Because I would be afraid you could tell they were tried on, like they'd somehow be stretched out twice as big as they are supposed to be. Seriously, you couldn't get more humiliating than that, right? No matter if there was no perceptible difference at all, I would still see them as humongous.
I wonder if skinny chicks overthink stuff like this, or maybe it's just because I'm a fat chick, or maybe I'm just some sort of freak. But, really...please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks trying on underwear is kinda weird?
But I am indecisive, very indecisive. If I see a bunch of good choices in front of me I just can never tell what the BEST one of those is. So I wander around looking at my options (plain color only), and seeing all the others that aren't my option, and really liking them better. Then I see that there is a sale. 5 for $29. If you get the non plain color that's like getting 3 free. Who can pass up 3 free pair of underwear?
Not me, that's who. So much for for the free shopping trip, but really that's their goal isn't it? But now I don't have to pick just one, I have to pick 6 (my 5 + the free one). Ok, who thought THAT was a good idea??? That only makes it harder. So I'm searching and searching, thinking it really shouldn't be so hard, I mean nobody but me is going to see them, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they aren't going to look as cute on me as they do laying on the table. My daughter is totally unimpressed by this shopping adventure and can't understand why we can't just leave and go get lunch.
There are 2 other women there with their free coupons in hand as well. One lady took about 2 minutes to choose the one (and only one!) she wanted. What's up with that? Why am I incapable of that? The other lady...she took some to the dressing room to try on. Ummm...ewww. I mean, I get it (you want to make sure they are the right size/fit, and the saleslady did remind her she needed to keep on her own undergarments)...but, but I don't get it. Ok, well really my problem with this is totally my own issue. I would be mortified to try on underwear and bring them back to the table if I didn't like them. Why? Because I would be afraid you could tell they were tried on, like they'd somehow be stretched out twice as big as they are supposed to be. Seriously, you couldn't get more humiliating than that, right? No matter if there was no perceptible difference at all, I would still see them as humongous.
I wonder if skinny chicks overthink stuff like this, or maybe it's just because I'm a fat chick, or maybe I'm just some sort of freak. But, really...please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks trying on underwear is kinda weird?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Brain vacation
I'm having one of those weeks where I can't seem to accomplish anything at all. Truth be told I have a lot of those weeks, but that is why I haven't posted in a week. I've had laundry to do that I can't seem to remember. It doesn't help that I knew I was low on detergent, and yet made a trip to Target totally forgetting to buy more. A co-worker of C's who likes our kids is coming to babysit on Saturday. And instead of keeping the house picked up so I don't have to bust my ass cleaning all day Saturday, I've let it slowly collect more and more crap so that I more than likely will have to bust my ass cleaning all day Saturday. It is now almost 3 pm, I've been telling myself all day that I would start cleaning the downstairs. And I've accomplished exactly...2 loads of that laundry (which originated upstairs.) And now, here I am, writing a blog post instead of doing anything productive.
Further proof that my brain is not functioning on all cylinders...on Tuesdays the boys get out of school at 1:40 instead of 3:20. It is this way every week as it has always been, even at their old school Thursday was an early day. At 2:00 on Tuesday the phone rang, I see it's from the school, I think "Oh great, who's sick/got in trouble/what dumb recorded message do I have to listen to now?" Then I hear the office lady's voice "Mrs. Fischer, it's Tuesday." CRAP, CRAP, CRAP. (And, um, no, this is not the first time this has happened, not even the first time this year, and likely won't be the last. But, but, but...I only did it once last year and that was at the beginning when I wasn't yet used to a different day, or maybe it was twice last year, I can't remember. And I've only done it twice, er maybe 3 times, this year. That's not bad, right? Right? There's always other kids wiating in the office too, so I can't be the only one.)
Eh, who needs to be on top of things? Cleanliness and organization is overrated. And having my kids come home after school is highly overrated.
P.S.
In case anyone might be wondering how E is doing after poor Harry's demise. We had a small funeral for him on Saturday morning and buried him in the yard. We put roses from our rose bushes on his grave and E made a grave marker for him. He was sad, but that didn't keep him from obsessing over how soon we could get to the store to get a new hamster.
And so, off to Petco we went, and came home with a new little rodent. E wasn't so happy about him at first, he was quite skittish and didn't want to be touched, much different from Harry who was very sweet and enjoyed being held. We gave him the name Zeus in honor of E's current obsession with Greek mythology. He bit me, he bit E. BUT, all is well now. He has calmed down and will allow the kids to hold and pet him. He loves running on the wheel, and destroying the cage every couple days. He's darn quick though, if he ever gets loose I don't think we'll ever catch him! Which may be good, because if he ever got loose Abby the dog would love to "play"!
Further proof that my brain is not functioning on all cylinders...on Tuesdays the boys get out of school at 1:40 instead of 3:20. It is this way every week as it has always been, even at their old school Thursday was an early day. At 2:00 on Tuesday the phone rang, I see it's from the school, I think "Oh great, who's sick/got in trouble/what dumb recorded message do I have to listen to now?" Then I hear the office lady's voice "Mrs. Fischer, it's Tuesday." CRAP, CRAP, CRAP. (And, um, no, this is not the first time this has happened, not even the first time this year, and likely won't be the last. But, but, but...I only did it once last year and that was at the beginning when I wasn't yet used to a different day, or maybe it was twice last year, I can't remember. And I've only done it twice, er maybe 3 times, this year. That's not bad, right? Right? There's always other kids wiating in the office too, so I can't be the only one.)
Eh, who needs to be on top of things? Cleanliness and organization is overrated. And having my kids come home after school is highly overrated.
P.S.
In case anyone might be wondering how E is doing after poor Harry's demise. We had a small funeral for him on Saturday morning and buried him in the yard. We put roses from our rose bushes on his grave and E made a grave marker for him. He was sad, but that didn't keep him from obsessing over how soon we could get to the store to get a new hamster.
And so, off to Petco we went, and came home with a new little rodent. E wasn't so happy about him at first, he was quite skittish and didn't want to be touched, much different from Harry who was very sweet and enjoyed being held. We gave him the name Zeus in honor of E's current obsession with Greek mythology. He bit me, he bit E. BUT, all is well now. He has calmed down and will allow the kids to hold and pet him. He loves running on the wheel, and destroying the cage every couple days. He's darn quick though, if he ever gets loose I don't think we'll ever catch him! Which may be good, because if he ever got loose Abby the dog would love to "play"!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Goodbye Harry
Yesterday was a blah, boring, just want to take a nap kind of day. I never got around to posting about anything, and probably wouldn't have come up with anything to say anyway.
And today I'm here to say goodbye to Harry the Hamster.
This morning I was woken by E bursting in my room saying he saw Harry laying in the cage and not moving and asking if that meant he was dead. I get up to go check it out, as we're walking to the boys room E says that Harry was cold too. Oh great, I think, how did the fates know I wanted to start my day with a lesson in pet mortality. And sure enough Harry is laying in the middle of the cage, all stretched out, stiff as a board, eyes closed, cold, and very much dead.
As soon as I pronounced the fate of E's poor hamster he says "Is there such thing as getting a new one from Petco? Will I have to pay for it with my own money?" Gee kid, the poor animal hasn't been gone but a few hours and you're wanting to replace him? How's that for loyalty, remind me not to die, ok?
So, rest in peace Harry (formerly known as Cupcake.) We didn't know you long (just 2 months since E's birthday,) but you were cute and cuddly and very nice as far as hamsters go. We will miss you.
And today I'm here to say goodbye to Harry the Hamster.
This morning I was woken by E bursting in my room saying he saw Harry laying in the cage and not moving and asking if that meant he was dead. I get up to go check it out, as we're walking to the boys room E says that Harry was cold too. Oh great, I think, how did the fates know I wanted to start my day with a lesson in pet mortality. And sure enough Harry is laying in the middle of the cage, all stretched out, stiff as a board, eyes closed, cold, and very much dead.
As soon as I pronounced the fate of E's poor hamster he says "Is there such thing as getting a new one from Petco? Will I have to pay for it with my own money?" Gee kid, the poor animal hasn't been gone but a few hours and you're wanting to replace him? How's that for loyalty, remind me not to die, ok?
So, rest in peace Harry (formerly known as Cupcake.) We didn't know you long (just 2 months since E's birthday,) but you were cute and cuddly and very nice as far as hamsters go. We will miss you.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Going in a different direction
I don't really consider this a dysfunction, it's actually useful, a talent almost..albeit not one most people would boast about. But me? I don't have many talents, so why not celebrate the ones that I do. I'm sure there are others who have this ability, I'm just the only one in my house. You see, I have a 6th sense. A bad milk sense.
You know how gross it is to pour a glass of milk and take a big chug only to find out it's gone bad and is totally disgusting and makes you want to puke. Well, I can tell when milk is just on the cusp of starting to go bad. I can smell and taste the difference instantly, no matter how small.
This morning I had to dump almost half a gallon of milk because of this. Normally I consider this ability a good thing, but on the other hand, it really kind of sucks. Milk is expensive!
You know how gross it is to pour a glass of milk and take a big chug only to find out it's gone bad and is totally disgusting and makes you want to puke. Well, I can tell when milk is just on the cusp of starting to go bad. I can smell and taste the difference instantly, no matter how small.
This morning I had to dump almost half a gallon of milk because of this. Normally I consider this ability a good thing, but on the other hand, it really kind of sucks. Milk is expensive!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I'm so sick of myself
Today's post will fall under the heading of "self-loathing". I've spoken many times about my issues with my weight and how it seems that no matter how many times I try I keep failing. I understand that since I'm still trying that's a good thing, I understand that it's only when you totally give up that you're really failing. But I can't look at myself in the mirror and accept that because occasionally I get my fat ass up and move around or eat less at dinner that I'm not failing.
Yes, I have lost somewhere around 20-23 lbs, depending on the day. But that is a drop in the bucket and simply not good enough. For the past 4 months I have been stuck right in this spot, not gaining or losing, just coasting. Sure, it could be worse...but I want better.
It has never been more apparent to me than in the past week just how screwed up my head is when it comes to this weight loss stuff. A week and a half ago I decided I was tired of this maintaining crap and I was going to work really hard for the remaining 3 weeks of April and lose at least the 8 lbs left to make it to 30 lbs lost. I was motivated and ready to get going. So what happened instead? I immediately did nothing but crave sugar, lots and lots of sugar. It's like there's a disconnect between my brain and my body. My brain is screaming at me "You shouldn't eat that! You do not want to eat that! Stop eating that!" But my body is picking up the crap and shoveling it in my mouth as if it were the last food I would ever get to eat. Like no matter how much I don't want to eat the sugar I'm going to anyway. The more determined I am to be good and do the right things, the more I cannot control my body's intense addiction to sugar.
I HATE that, it is SO messed up. What I want more than anything is in my power to have, and yet I will not allow myself to have it. It is supremely irritating and I am so annoyed with myself.
Yes, I have lost somewhere around 20-23 lbs, depending on the day. But that is a drop in the bucket and simply not good enough. For the past 4 months I have been stuck right in this spot, not gaining or losing, just coasting. Sure, it could be worse...but I want better.
It has never been more apparent to me than in the past week just how screwed up my head is when it comes to this weight loss stuff. A week and a half ago I decided I was tired of this maintaining crap and I was going to work really hard for the remaining 3 weeks of April and lose at least the 8 lbs left to make it to 30 lbs lost. I was motivated and ready to get going. So what happened instead? I immediately did nothing but crave sugar, lots and lots of sugar. It's like there's a disconnect between my brain and my body. My brain is screaming at me "You shouldn't eat that! You do not want to eat that! Stop eating that!" But my body is picking up the crap and shoveling it in my mouth as if it were the last food I would ever get to eat. Like no matter how much I don't want to eat the sugar I'm going to anyway. The more determined I am to be good and do the right things, the more I cannot control my body's intense addiction to sugar.
I HATE that, it is SO messed up. What I want more than anything is in my power to have, and yet I will not allow myself to have it. It is supremely irritating and I am so annoyed with myself.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Still recovering
This weekend my oldest son had a sleepover on Saturday and my younger son had a playdate on Sunday. It was awful...for me. I don't particularly enjoy having extra children around. Ok, without their parents I don't enjoy it. It's great to have friends of mine/ours over hanging out and our kids are playing together, that's fun. At least I can try to ignore my own kids by having a conversation with someone else, and they can discipline their own kids. But kids here by themselves, ugh. They are always too loud and obnoxious for me, makes me feel like a grumpy, crotchety old lady.
I don't like feeling like a grumpy, crochety old lady.
Because of this I avoid these kind of get togethers as much as possible. This weekend, it wasn't possible, one was asked of me by the mother and begged of me by the child...the other I thought was going to mean sending my kid off to someone else's house, a thought I was quite wrong about. There was a lot of noise, and lot of pushing of the behavioral boundaries, and not a lot of sleep. Which meant when all was said and done there was a lot of crying and whining and rule breaking. So as much as I don't enjoy the actual event, the fallout is even worse.
So, I didn't get to post this weekend, and I'm too tired and have too much of a headache to come up with anything interesting to write today. I guess I could just call this my daily dysfunction, being a parent who wants my kids to be sociably and have friends, but doesn't want those friends to come to my home.
I don't like feeling like a grumpy, crochety old lady.
Because of this I avoid these kind of get togethers as much as possible. This weekend, it wasn't possible, one was asked of me by the mother and begged of me by the child...the other I thought was going to mean sending my kid off to someone else's house, a thought I was quite wrong about. There was a lot of noise, and lot of pushing of the behavioral boundaries, and not a lot of sleep. Which meant when all was said and done there was a lot of crying and whining and rule breaking. So as much as I don't enjoy the actual event, the fallout is even worse.
So, I didn't get to post this weekend, and I'm too tired and have too much of a headache to come up with anything interesting to write today. I guess I could just call this my daily dysfunction, being a parent who wants my kids to be sociably and have friends, but doesn't want those friends to come to my home.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Creepy cashiers
I don't like them, they make me...uncomfortable.
I have 3 redheads so I get my fair share of comments and conversations with random people walking around grocery stores or Target or wherever about their hair or how cute they are. I am also a person that people tend to stop and ask things of. "Have you ever used this?" "Can you reach that on the top shelf, I'm too short." "What would you buy for a boy/girl turing X years old?" Depending on my mood that day or how often I have to stop during one trip I generally don't mind all that too much.
But the creepy cashiers get to me. The ones who start asking you questions or begin some personal story that doesn't seem relevant to the act of ringing up groceries or taking too much of an interest in your kids. I guess it's because you're kind of stuck there with them at the mercy of how quickly they can move all of your purchases along the conveyor belt (while they are taking too much time to talk to you.) You can't just walk away or ignore them or pretend like you have to hurry your kid to the bathroom. Even the smiling and nodding your head like you care all the while thinking about what you're making for dinner or the latest American Idol episode is a bit more difficult when you are standing face to face with someone only 2 feet away. There is a fine line between being friendly and being creepy people, stay on the right side of the line!
I had a creepy cashier today. He kept smiling and waving at Katelyn, saying she was a silly girl. She looked at him strangely, as well she should have. My hand was near her and she thought I was going to tickle her so she told me I couldn't, and the guy says "Can I tickle you?" Then she looked at him like 'you're a gross old man'...as well she should have.
I have 3 redheads so I get my fair share of comments and conversations with random people walking around grocery stores or Target or wherever about their hair or how cute they are. I am also a person that people tend to stop and ask things of. "Have you ever used this?" "Can you reach that on the top shelf, I'm too short." "What would you buy for a boy/girl turing X years old?" Depending on my mood that day or how often I have to stop during one trip I generally don't mind all that too much.
But the creepy cashiers get to me. The ones who start asking you questions or begin some personal story that doesn't seem relevant to the act of ringing up groceries or taking too much of an interest in your kids. I guess it's because you're kind of stuck there with them at the mercy of how quickly they can move all of your purchases along the conveyor belt (while they are taking too much time to talk to you.) You can't just walk away or ignore them or pretend like you have to hurry your kid to the bathroom. Even the smiling and nodding your head like you care all the while thinking about what you're making for dinner or the latest American Idol episode is a bit more difficult when you are standing face to face with someone only 2 feet away. There is a fine line between being friendly and being creepy people, stay on the right side of the line!
I had a creepy cashier today. He kept smiling and waving at Katelyn, saying she was a silly girl. She looked at him strangely, as well she should have. My hand was near her and she thought I was going to tickle her so she told me I couldn't, and the guy says "Can I tickle you?" Then she looked at him like 'you're a gross old man'...as well she should have.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I don't wanna!!!
Said in my best 2 year old tantrum throwing, whining, yelling, kicking, throwing things voice.
That is how I've felt every morning this week. I decided that starting Monday I was going to get up early to exercise. I was tired of having too many other things get in the way later in the morning and ending up skipping it day after day.
The problem is, my kids wake up at the crack of dawn and start stomping or shouting or crying or asking for things practically as soon as their eyelids open. Which means I have to be on them every 30 seconds for quiet because my husband doesn't go to bed at a normal time and doesn't appreciate noise when he is sleeping. I do not appreciate having to do that AND workout at the same time. So getting up early for me means getting up extra early so I can finish before the natives get restless.
Even though I decided that's what I wanted to do and it was my completely my choice...I am still not happy about it. Not happy at all. Every time the dang alarm goes off I am screaming in my head that I DO NOT WANT TO GET OUT OF BED!! It doesn't matter that I won't be able to sleep anymore, I just don't want to get up. Period. I did on Monday and today, but Tuesday and Wednesday the toddler in my head won.
Weight loss self-sabotage... If there is one dysfunction I wish I could get rid of for good it's that one!
That is how I've felt every morning this week. I decided that starting Monday I was going to get up early to exercise. I was tired of having too many other things get in the way later in the morning and ending up skipping it day after day.
The problem is, my kids wake up at the crack of dawn and start stomping or shouting or crying or asking for things practically as soon as their eyelids open. Which means I have to be on them every 30 seconds for quiet because my husband doesn't go to bed at a normal time and doesn't appreciate noise when he is sleeping. I do not appreciate having to do that AND workout at the same time. So getting up early for me means getting up extra early so I can finish before the natives get restless.
Even though I decided that's what I wanted to do and it was my completely my choice...I am still not happy about it. Not happy at all. Every time the dang alarm goes off I am screaming in my head that I DO NOT WANT TO GET OUT OF BED!! It doesn't matter that I won't be able to sleep anymore, I just don't want to get up. Period. I did on Monday and today, but Tuesday and Wednesday the toddler in my head won.
Weight loss self-sabotage... If there is one dysfunction I wish I could get rid of for good it's that one!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
One from last night
Today's dysfunction actually happened last night, however, I am still feeling the effects of it today so it counts. Last night I hurt my wrist. How did I do this? By getting up off the couch.
Yeah, I know you're jealous. It takes a special kind of talent to hurt your arm in the process of standing up...and I? Am so totally that talented!
It was a very strange series of events that I'm still not exactly sure how it all happened. I went to stand up and put my hand on the arm of the couch. For some reason I had my hand fist down instead of palm down. As I was about halfway up my wrist suddenly gave out bending under and forcing a good portion of my weight onto it. About a split second after that, I have no idea why, my right knee gave out, thus forcing almost all of my weight onto my bent under wrist. I almost fell to the floor on my ass at that point, but somehow managed to catch myself enough on my injured arm to allow my working left leg to get under me so I could stand up. It was one of those really fast, but happening in slow motion, couldn't do it again if you tried kind of things.
So now I have strained muscles from pretty much my knuckles to my elbow...all from standing up.
Yeah, I know you're jealous. It takes a special kind of talent to hurt your arm in the process of standing up...and I? Am so totally that talented!
It was a very strange series of events that I'm still not exactly sure how it all happened. I went to stand up and put my hand on the arm of the couch. For some reason I had my hand fist down instead of palm down. As I was about halfway up my wrist suddenly gave out bending under and forcing a good portion of my weight onto it. About a split second after that, I have no idea why, my right knee gave out, thus forcing almost all of my weight onto my bent under wrist. I almost fell to the floor on my ass at that point, but somehow managed to catch myself enough on my injured arm to allow my working left leg to get under me so I could stand up. It was one of those really fast, but happening in slow motion, couldn't do it again if you tried kind of things.
So now I have strained muscles from pretty much my knuckles to my elbow...all from standing up.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Reverse ingestion of the canine variety
I apologize to those of you with sensitive stomachs, if you're eating you may want to come back later. My dysfunction of the day has to do with dog puke. It totally skeeves me out. Why is this a dysfunction? Well, because I'm a mother of 3, I worked with toddlers and preschoolers as a career, and I spent a majority of my young years doing some sort of babysitting or other childcare. I'm not a germophobe in the least. Dirt, blood, snot, and other things coming from small human bodies really don't phase me much. I've changed a lot of diapers in my life...A LOT. I used cloth diapers on my daughter where you have no choice but to get rid of the poo instead of wrapping it up and forgetting about it like most do. I have a son who projectile vomitted entire feedings, several times a day, for months. Not that I enjoy cleaning any of these things up, quite the opposite, however they don't gross me out beyond belief. And don't forget I am a doula, birth is quite messy and that doesn't bother me in the least.
But the dog is another story. I know it's kinda the same thing, but yet, it is totally not the same thing. I hate finding dog puke...because that means I have to clean it up. Sometimes (just a few times, really) I've pretended I didn't see it and hope that my husband notices soon enough so that HE can clean it up. (And when he doesn't it really irritates me because then I have to.) When I'm forced to clean it myself I have to use 5 times the amount of paper towels necessary because I don't want any chance of it touching my skin. And even if none does I have to scrub my hands like I'm preparing for surgery. About 2 weeks ago I threw away a kids book that she had puked on because there was just no way to get it clean enough that it would be ok for anyone to ever touch it again.
This morning I was laid down on my bed after suddenly feeling overwhelmingly tired. K played in my room while I lay there in and out of sleep for about a half hour. Then I moved my foot and felt something wet. Um, WHAT IS THAT? I hoped as much as one can hope that someone left a wet towel on the bed, even though I had just been staring at the bed for a while folding clothes and putting them away and knew there was no chance of that. Grudgingly I get up and find under the blanket a wonderful gift from the dog. She refuses to jump on the bed by herself, so she must have done it sometime this morning after I got out of bed but before C got up. So now not only am I grossed out because my foot touched dog puke and I have to clean it up, but now I have even more laundry to do and I'm cursing my husband's ability to sleep like the dead.
For the record, I'm not a fan of what comes out the other end either. When I take her for a walk and have to clean THAT up, I feel dirty until I can get home and scrub my hands. If there is no trash nearby and I have to carry the bag for a long time, it really grosses me out. I should start carrying hand sanitizer.
I promise to try and make the next one something less disgusting.
But the dog is another story. I know it's kinda the same thing, but yet, it is totally not the same thing. I hate finding dog puke...because that means I have to clean it up. Sometimes (just a few times, really) I've pretended I didn't see it and hope that my husband notices soon enough so that HE can clean it up. (And when he doesn't it really irritates me because then I have to.) When I'm forced to clean it myself I have to use 5 times the amount of paper towels necessary because I don't want any chance of it touching my skin. And even if none does I have to scrub my hands like I'm preparing for surgery. About 2 weeks ago I threw away a kids book that she had puked on because there was just no way to get it clean enough that it would be ok for anyone to ever touch it again.
This morning I was laid down on my bed after suddenly feeling overwhelmingly tired. K played in my room while I lay there in and out of sleep for about a half hour. Then I moved my foot and felt something wet. Um, WHAT IS THAT? I hoped as much as one can hope that someone left a wet towel on the bed, even though I had just been staring at the bed for a while folding clothes and putting them away and knew there was no chance of that. Grudgingly I get up and find under the blanket a wonderful gift from the dog. She refuses to jump on the bed by herself, so she must have done it sometime this morning after I got out of bed but before C got up. So now not only am I grossed out because my foot touched dog puke and I have to clean it up, but now I have even more laundry to do and I'm cursing my husband's ability to sleep like the dead.
For the record, I'm not a fan of what comes out the other end either. When I take her for a walk and have to clean THAT up, I feel dirty until I can get home and scrub my hands. If there is no trash nearby and I have to carry the bag for a long time, it really grosses me out. I should start carrying hand sanitizer.
I promise to try and make the next one something less disgusting.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I haven't disappeared
Despite the fact that I haven't posted in over 4 months, I am still around. What have I been up to? Taking the boys back and forth to school, keeping up with their homework, walking the dog, making dinner (or lunch, breakfast, whatever), laundry...just the usual stuff. I also decided to delve back into the doula world and re-took a training class and did a bunch of stuff to get my business back up and running. Although my initial excitement and forward momentum is pretty much gone. Last time I had some client contacts right away and it was easier to get started. This time I don't have that, and I have more work (and children) at home and less energy in me to get out of the house to do anything to help promote myself. So I'm struggling with myself over feeling like I finally know what I'd like to do with my life, but not having the self-confidence to actually do it.
Anyway...
I've been wanting to get back into blogging for a while now, but it just seems like any time I sit down to write a post Iam so bored by myself I fall asleep get halfway through and think "this is just stupid, nobody will want to read that"...and so I hit delete.
Last week, though, I did have some inspiration that came to me via the Pioneer Woman, in this post of hers. It's about some products from a company called Knock, Knock. They have a journal that I LOVED the cover of, it's funny stuff. If you don't want to click on the link this is what it says ...
"A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they're all in mind-numbing denial."
I decided that their cover description was so perfect I'm going to attempt to post a "Daily Dysfuntion". I may even order the journal to get some more inspiration from the quotes and whatnot. I'll start tomorrow, because my daily dysfuntion forpretty much everyday today is - procrastination! I may not be good at many things, but I am an expert at procrastinating!
Anyway...
I've been wanting to get back into blogging for a while now, but it just seems like any time I sit down to write a post I
Last week, though, I did have some inspiration that came to me via the Pioneer Woman, in this post of hers. It's about some products from a company called Knock, Knock. They have a journal that I LOVED the cover of, it's funny stuff. If you don't want to click on the link this is what it says ...
"A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they're all in mind-numbing denial."
I decided that their cover description was so perfect I'm going to attempt to post a "Daily Dysfuntion". I may even order the journal to get some more inspiration from the quotes and whatnot. I'll start tomorrow, because my daily dysfuntion for
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Happy 2010! It's that time again...
You know what time...when I sit here and write out a long, rambling post about goals (but not resolutions, gave up on that a few years ago) for the new year. What I want to accomplish and in which ways it's not likely to happen.
But, I'm not gonna do it this year. Not because I utterly fail every year. In fact, I did accomplish some of the things on my list last year, to some extent. Then again, I purposely set my expectations low so that if I did anything at all I would have met my resolution. (So technically I was a total non-resolution rock star last year.)
This year I'm not doing it because frankly I'm not feeling inspired. At all. Its always the same thing, ya know, every. dang. year. Lose weight, keep my house cleaner, ignore my kids less, blah, blah, blah. It's never anything new and I'm totally bored with the same old thing.
So next January I can sit back and see that I've accomplished nothing....and I won't have to care, not one little bit!!!
But, I'm not gonna do it this year. Not because I utterly fail every year. In fact, I did accomplish some of the things on my list last year, to some extent. Then again, I purposely set my expectations low so that if I did anything at all I would have met my resolution. (So technically I was a total non-resolution rock star last year.)
This year I'm not doing it because frankly I'm not feeling inspired. At all. Its always the same thing, ya know, every. dang. year. Lose weight, keep my house cleaner, ignore my kids less, blah, blah, blah. It's never anything new and I'm totally bored with the same old thing.
So next January I can sit back and see that I've accomplished nothing....and I won't have to care, not one little bit!!!
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