I think I've been approaching my life all wrong. I've been fighting against so many things because I never saw myself as THIS person that I am. But resistance really is futile, it's not getting me anywhere, hasn't been for a very long time now. It's time to look at things in a whole new light. Maybe what I am living really IS my destiny and I need to start embracing it.
For example... Growing up I was never an organized, neat person. My room was always a mess, you could hardly walk though it. That was the only way I could find anything, if I put stuff away I never remembered where it was. But now, being a stay at home mom with 3 kids, my life revolves around making things neat or clean or organized. I NEVER wanted to be that person. Yes I did want to stay home with my kids, but all the other stuff...heck no! I wanted to be a mom, not a maid. Apparently nobody ever told me they were one and the same.
I've been telling myself for years that I hate to clean and cook and do laundry and dishes and grocery shop. I sit and look at how awful the house looks, but because I truly believe that I dislike (with every bone in my body) the activities that would fix it, I end up doing nothing. Hiding away from it with one excuse after another. Then things stay awful, and I stay stressed and miserable.
But maybe that story I've been telling myself is a lie. Maybe I actually AM destined to spend my days making things clean. Maybe I COULD actually get joy and satisfaction out of being a homemaker if I were to just stop fighting against it.
Clearly no other person in this family values it like I do. Nobody else can be bothered to pick up their crap or scrub a toilet. It's like torture to them. There's always something else for them to do that is more important than the dishes or the laundry. I am the only person bothered by the mess around here. So maybe that is a huge cosmic sign to just embrace it. Maybe for me REALLY living is to dive into doing all this stuff with happiness.
Nothing (and I really mean NOTHING) that I've ever tried as far as a career path has worked out for me. Maybe that's because I'm not meant to do anything other than what I am right now. Seriously, the most successful job I've ever held has been...um...probably scooping ice cream at Baskin Robbins when I was 15. I've always thought I was meant for more than retail or food jobs. Even being a toddler/preschool teacher never really felt like the right fit, I loved the kids, but somehow I always felt uncomfortable.
So I'm going to really try hard to stop thinking about who I thought I was going to be and focus on the life that is happening while I'm being who I actually am.
I may be back here in a week posting that I was right originally and this life is completely wrong and I do actually hate cleaning up after everyone. Just a warning...
I did it!!!
4 years ago