Sunday, May 23, 2010

Resistance Is Futile

I think I've been approaching my life all wrong.  I've been fighting against so many things because I never saw myself as THIS person that I am.  But resistance really is futile, it's not getting me anywhere, hasn't been for a very long time now.  It's time to look at things in a whole new light.  Maybe what I am living really IS my destiny and I need to start embracing it.

For example...  Growing up I was never an organized, neat person.  My room was always a mess, you could hardly walk though it.  That was the only way I could find anything, if I put stuff away I never remembered where it was.  But now, being a stay at home mom with 3 kids, my life revolves around making things neat or clean or organized.  I NEVER wanted to be that person.  Yes I did want to stay home with my kids, but all the other stuff...heck no!  I wanted to be a mom, not a maid.  Apparently nobody ever told me they were one and the same. 

I've been telling myself for years that I hate to clean and cook and do laundry and dishes and grocery shop.  I sit and look at how awful the house looks, but because I truly believe that I dislike (with every bone in my body) the activities that would fix it, I end up doing nothing.  Hiding away from it with one excuse after another.  Then things stay awful, and I stay stressed and miserable. 

But maybe that story I've been telling myself is a lie.  Maybe I actually AM destined to spend my days making things clean.  Maybe I COULD actually get joy and satisfaction out of being a homemaker if I were to just stop fighting against it. 

Clearly no other person in this family values it like I do.  Nobody else can be bothered to pick up their crap or scrub a toilet.  It's like torture to them.  There's always something else for them to do that is more important than the dishes or the laundry.  I am the only person bothered by the mess around here.  So maybe that is a huge cosmic sign to just embrace it.  Maybe for me REALLY living is to dive into doing all this stuff with happiness.

Nothing (and I really mean NOTHING) that I've ever tried as far as a career path has worked out for me.  Maybe that's because I'm not meant to do anything other than what I am right now.  Seriously, the most successful job I've ever held has scooping ice cream at Baskin Robbins when I was 15.  I've always thought I was meant for more than retail or food jobs.  Even being a toddler/preschool teacher never really felt like the right fit, I loved the kids, but somehow I always felt uncomfortable. 

So I'm going to really try hard to stop thinking about who I thought I was going to be and focus on the life that is happening while I'm being who I actually am. 

I may be back here in a week posting that I was right originally and this life is completely wrong and I do actually hate cleaning up after everyone.  Just a warning...

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