Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm so sick of myself

Today's post will fall under the heading of "self-loathing".  I've spoken many times about my issues with my weight and how it seems that no matter how many times I try I keep failing.  I understand that since I'm still trying that's a good thing, I understand that it's only when you totally give up that you're really failing.  But I can't look at myself in the mirror and accept that because occasionally I get my fat ass up and move around or eat less at dinner that I'm not failing.

Yes, I have lost somewhere around 20-23 lbs, depending on the day.  But that is a drop in the bucket and simply not good enough.  For the past 4 months I have been stuck right in this spot, not gaining or losing, just coasting.  Sure, it could be worse...but I want better.

It has never been more apparent to me than in the past week just how screwed up my head is when it comes to this weight loss stuff.  A week and a half ago I decided I was tired of this maintaining crap and I was going to work really hard for the remaining 3 weeks of April and lose at least the 8 lbs left to make it to 30 lbs lost.  I was motivated and ready to get going.  So what happened instead?  I immediately did nothing but crave sugar, lots and lots of sugar.  It's like there's a disconnect between my brain and my body.  My brain is screaming at me "You shouldn't eat that! You do not want to eat that! Stop eating that!"  But my body is picking up the crap and shoveling it in my mouth as if it were the last food I would ever get to eat.  Like no matter how much I don't want to eat the sugar I'm going to anyway.  The more determined I am to be good and do the right things, the more I cannot control my body's intense addiction to sugar.

I HATE that, it is SO messed up.  What I want more than anything is in my power to have, and yet I will not allow myself to have it.  It is supremely irritating and I am so annoyed with myself.


Brenda said...

you and I are right there together Amanda. You would think this thing with my Mom would be a wake up call but no...I've been scarfing more junk and soft drinks instead. UGHHHH...I hate this too--for you and me. (((HUGS))) I don't know what to tell you but you are not alone.

Melanie said...

you know, I find that if I give myself a deadline like that, the first (and sometimes only) thing I do is something that is VERY counterproductive to my goal. I call it the The Panic.
You can do it, I have faith in you. I mean, you had the courage to post pictures of yourself and I can't seem to work up that kind of bravery. You are a strong woman and you'll get there!