Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

"The Best Life Diet" question #3...

I have only been really successful at losing weight once. Other times I’d lose a few lbs here and there, but no more than 10 or 15 and it would come back pretty quickly. The one time I actually was doing well I had lost 50 lbs. The day after that weigh-in I flew to MN to attend my mother’s 50th b-day party. I never saw that number on the scale again. So why did that happen? I believe it happened because I went back “home”. Back to where I grew up, back to where I felt so unwanted by my family and everyone else around me, back to where everyone has always known me as the “fat girl”, back to where the seeds of my deep unhappiness with my life began. Subconsciously I was reminded of why I don’t feel like I deserve to get the things I want in life. I really think had I not gone on that trip I may have continued to lose. I haven’t been able to truly get back on track ever since that trip. My self-confidence and self-esteem were shattered at a very young age and every time I turned around as a child I felt like I was being slapped in the face by how awful I was, so being back in that environment just took me right back to that dark place even if I wasn’t conscious that I was going there. I started to believe at a very young age that I couldn’t have the things I wanted or any sort of happines or I couldn't be the person I wanted to be, even when I wanted to change it felt like other people wouldn't let me, I begain to believe that I was doomed to failure and misery. So, even now I allow myself to fail over and over and over again because I don’t really think I can have success or deserve to have happiness.

Why Do I Want To Lose Weight?

"The Best Life Diet" question #2...

I want to lose weight because I hate the way that I am. I hate that I use food to solve all my problems or to just make it through the day. I don’t want to look the way I do anymore. I know other people look at me like I’m a freak, I know this because I look at people bigger than myself and think “wow, how can they let themselves get like that, that’s disgusting.” I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I want that to change. I know that what I see in the mirror isn’t what I really look like, I’ve seen pictures of myself and I’m always shocked at how big I am. I don’t know how, but what I see in the mirror isn’t my true self…and I want to be able to see who I really am. I want to be more attractive to my husband. I know he loves me the way I am, but I don’t think he’d complain if I lost 100 lbs or so. I don’t want my kids to be embarrassed by me. I want to be around to see my kids grow up, get married, have their own kids…and I know I might not be if I continue the way that I am. I want to be able to go into any store and buy clothes that I like and feel good about myself finally. I’m tired of feeling so big and heavy, I want to be light and energetic.

Friday weigh-in

So this week, not so good, 272.5. But I didn't gain as much from the english toffee as I thought I did, LOL! I also didn't do a lick of exercise because I've been so exhausted...I've had a hard time going to sleep at night, and Katelyn hasn't been sleeping well, and with the boys always up at the crack of dawn I just haven't been able to bring myself to get my butt out of bed any earlier in the morning than I HAVE to. I really don't want to use that as an excuse, but I've been literally unable to wake up. *sigh*

Why Am I Overweight?

I started reading Bob Greene's "The Best Life Diet" and in the beginning he asks you to really consider three questions. So I decided in light with my goal to be totally honest with myself and accountable to someone other than myself I'd post about it here. Why are you overweight is the first one, and here is my answer...

Ok, so there are the crappy excuses that don’t mean anything…I have a sweet tooth, I’m addicted to sugar, I have to eat chocolate everyday, I have a young baby and 2 other kids plus the dog and a husband so I have no time to exercise, I’m too exhausted to exercise, I hate to cook and junk food is just easier, healthy food costs too much, blah, blah, blah.

Now for the real reasons… I eat to make myself feel better. I’m completely overwhelmed by my life. My house is a wreck and I don’t even know where to begin to make things better. My boys are difficult to deal with, they leave me stressed and exhausted before half the morning is even over. I’m unhappy with so many things about my life. I don’t like where we live…I don’t like the apartment, I don’t like the town, I don’t even really like the state. I feel very alone, I have no friends, and we have no family around us. My husband works long hours and isn’t home a lot, when he is home he spends the majority of his time playing video games. And when he’s not doing that he’s pissy because of the kids or something I’ve done that he’s taken offense to. My entire life is getting up, dealing with my kids, making feeble attempts to take care of the house, going grocery shopping, making school runs, and going to bed. I don’t have anything other than being a mom and because my boys are so difficult I don’t even feel like I’m good at that. Feeling like I’m not good at something is very hard for me. I grew up being the “smart kid”, I got practically straight A’s all the while working 2-3 part time jobs in high school, I was going to go to medical school and become a doctor. So for me now to spend 95% of my time playing peek-a-boo and arguing with my multiple personality 4 year old and asking why for the 597,624,410th time my almost 6 year old is doing something he’s been told not to is difficult for me to accept. I used to feel like I was intelligent and good at things…now I feel like I’m a 4 year old. I’m a perfectionist deep down, so if I don’t think I can do something perfectly I don’t even try…so in all honestly I haven’t ever really, REALLY tried to lose weight. And I have very low self esteem, so I guess I don’t really think I’m worth it. I grew up being teased all the time…by my family, by kids at school. I never really had any close friends and I still don’t, I still wonder what is so wrong with me that people don’t like me. I used to think it was just because I was fat, but then I think somewhere out there has to be someone who can see past what I look like…so either I haven’t found those people yet or something else is making nobody want to be my friend. My father had wanted my mother to have an abortion, my grandmother wished my mother had joined the navy instead of getting pregnant…I felt like I wasn’t wanted by anybody. I started eating to cover up the pain at a very young age and I’m still doing it.

Something about warm chocolate chip cookies and ice cream and creamy milk chocolate, and well anything loaded with sugar and fat just soothes your soul. For about 5 minutes... Of course, ironically, it is also the same thing that makes me feel like total crap later on. *sigh*

So you may have noticed...

I didn't post my weigh-in yesterday. That's because I just forgot to do it. I got up and went about my morning and totally forgot to weigh myself. Honestly, it probably wasn't that I "forgot", it was probably my subconscious keeping me from throwing the scale against the wall. BECAUSE...while I really, really, really appreciate that my husband got me a valentine's gift at all, one he actually put thought into and didn't hastily buy on his way home from work...he got me a box of See's Candy english toffee and a container of toffee-ettes. Ok, I totally can't resist eating this stuff even though I know just looking at it probably makes me gain 10 lbs.

My son is such a man...

Ethan just came and told me he was eating his lunch, but he had to go to the bathroom. As he goes to sit back down I hear him say "Lunch is so good after a good pee." ROFLMAO...seriously, where do they come up with stuff like that??

Scored a bargain today!

I decided I needed some new underwear...I know, real exciting. But as all things on my body are not yet back where there were before I was pg mine keep falling down lately for some reason, totally annoying! So I was at Walmart this morning and I see this package saying it was a 3-pack. But I notice there are 5 pairs in this pack, so I was like yeah, bonus! Then I see another one that says 5-pack, but there were obviously more. So I count and I thought there were 8, but then I looked more closely and there are 10 pairs in it! I do some digging and find a bunch more of these 5-packs with 10 pairs in it. They haven't been opened or anything either. The sticker said $8.97, which sounded about right for 5 pair of cheap generic white mom underwear. So I figure I'll buy a package and see what I get charged, not really caring if it was more since I needed them anyway...and it was $8.97! It's like a BOGO!

What a WONDERFUL start to the weekend...

Ryen comes into my room at around 6:45 this morning saying something about Ethan pooping on his paper in their room. Since I'm still sleeping I didn't bother to get up, and really every other word out of their mouths these days is "poop" so I didn't think much of it. And it never dawned on me that my almost 6 year old son would actually poop in his room. Apparently I couldn't have been more WRONG! DH had gotten up to walk the dog and the next thing I knew he was bellowing in the boys room. Ethan had pooped on a poster that he laid out on the floor of his room. Now, this wasn't just a squat and poop situation, he had sat on the paper and pooped so it was all mushed everywhere. A huge spot on the poster and his butt was totally covered. Honestly I don't know how he managed to get it that way. Imagine if you'd decided to sit your bare ass on a huge pile of fresh crap and just wiggled around in it. Oh, and then you stood up and let it dry there, but not before you'd gotten some on your hands and used your back to wipe it off with. Yeah, it was real nice. It took me probably 15 minutes to hose him off in the shower. Now, lest you think he had to go really bad and didn't want to have an accident...the bathroom is right next to their bedroom. Literally there is like 3 inches between the doors, it would have taken him at least twice as long (probably longer!) to spread the poster out and take off his pants than it would have taken him to walk to the bathroom.

So again, another example of the crap (literally) that is my life!

Friday weigh-in

271 I admittedly didn't try very hard this week, but I'll take that pound!

500 less things to stress about...

Well, 500 less TOYS anyway. To make a very long story short...the boys had all their toys boxed up on Sunday because they refused to clean their room. All they have to entertain themselves with until after we move sometime at the end of March is books and puzzles. Of course like all the other times I've taken the toys away they could care less. Maybe in a month they'll start to care. All that poor, poor Ryen could find to take for his share at preschool today was a lonely fish from a game that didn't make it to the box. They also got the chance to go to Legoland taken away, and Ethan's not going to get a birthday party with friends any more either. Yep I'm a big, bad meany. But I'm ok with that, and even if it does take a month for them to realize that mommy's not taking their crap anymore, it'll be worth it. They've turned into these awful spoiled rotten brats who think they can have whatever they want and do whatever they want and don't have to do anything mommy or daddy says. Yeah, that's just not gonna fly around here anymore. Sorry boys, there's a new sheriff in town and she doesn't care how miserably bored you are.

I almost forgot!

See, I'm already slacking...I forgot to post my weight yesterday.

Ok, so here it is, don't laugh or throw up at how disgusting this is (only I'm allowed to do that, LOL!)...272 lbs. So I gained back the few lbs I lost at the beginning of January, and added another pound and a half, lovely.

Gotta love boys

So yesterday I get home from picking Ryen up from school, I put baby down and take the dog out. As I'm standing there waiting for her to do something I see Ryen come out the door. Nothing strange there. Then I notice he's holding his shirt way up. Somewhat strange as he usually doesn't like his shirt up. Out of the corner of my eye I see he still has his shirt up, so I say "Ryen, what are you doing?" And then I see what he is doing... He was peeing in the bush outside our door, pants around his ankles, shirt way up high, showing off to the world. He told me that daddy wanted him to pee in the dirt. Uh huh... At least no neighbors happened to be walking by, oh and he didn't pee in his pants.

On a different note, some progress may be made in the inpatient feeding program saga. I talked with "R" a couple times yesterday after I wrote her an email requesting she tell me just why this whole thing has been so damned complicated and why we have to continue to jump through all these hoops. Finally we figured out a way to possibly get around the re-evaluation. We're going to try and get Ryen appointments with all the people who would see him in the re-eval. If they all on an individual basis clear him for the program then he's in. It'll be more work on my part and more money for the insurance company, but at least something might happen. "R" spoke with Ryen's insurance case manager and she thinks this might be do-able so now I guess I just wait to see if we get the appointments.

More run around

So here's the reply I got to my email...

Hi Amanda:

Thanks so much for your email. I was off yesterday for some familybusiness but I thought about Ryen all day. First, our program is not for perfect children. Our mission is to resolve the worst feeding problems. Our intent is this re-eval was to set Ryen up for our program, not to deny him. I have been in touch with M about some compromises that I would like to discuss with you by phone. I'm at Mission Hospital today and will try to call you, possible this morning if I have a break in between patients or over lunch.

Thanks,
R

So she calls me and guess what her "compromises" are? Ugh. She thinks that if Ryen sees a different OT in conjuction with a behavioral psychologist for awhile he can make enough progress to satisfy the insurance people so they'll allow a new re-eval. O-M-F-G!! She says that she wants Ryen in the program but yet they are again putting it off longer and longer and making us jump through even more hoops. Oh, I didn't mention she wants him to do this for 3 months!! I can't believe how ridiculous this is, plus I can't afford the $30 a week it'll cost me to do that.

And I can never tell this woman what I'm really thinking when I'm on the phone with her because she doesn't stop spouting off her BS for even a minute. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

To be continued I guess...