What have I done???

I've thought about getting a job here and there in the past, usually when C is harping on me about how he's convinced we're going to end up living out of our car. But, I think deep down I never really had any intention of going out and finding one. Well, obviously I didn't since, well, I still don't have a job.

I mean, why in the world would I want to purposely add MORE work to the constant stream of crap I already have to do??? That would be insane, right? The laundry, and dishes, and bathrooms, and meals that need to be made all the time, and stuff just, everywhere, that needs to constantly be put away, vacuuming, throw in homework and school stuff for the majority of the year...and that doesn't even come close to desribing everything that encompasses a stay at home mom/maid does. Job, pfffft, I am SO not getting any stinking job!!

Well...for some reason lately I've actually been thinking about it more and more. All on my own even, not pressured by the thought of calling a cardboard box my bedroom. So I was talking to a dad at the boys baseball game yesterday. He was saying his wife was applying at a new Kohl's store that is opening up near here in the fall. And I thought...hey, yeah, I worked at Kohl's ages and years ago, I should totally go for that job!!

Somehow this morning I found myself looking up the website, printing out an application, and setting a time for an interview...EEEEEK!!!

And as soon as I hit the confirm button I thought...WHY did I do that?!?! It's not like they are going to hire me, aside from a brief stint at Curves I haven't worked in YEARS. They want 4 professional references...I'm certain just about anyone I ever worked for no longer works at that place or even remembers who I am. I have no clothes appropriate for an interview, or for working in a retail environment for that matter IF somehow I managed to get hired...and I mean seriously, none, zero, zip, zilch. I haven't had an interview in soooooo long, I'm surely to sound like a complete idiot. I can only work weekends, stores want people who can work all the time. I'm fat, nobody likes fat people. I hate rejection, I can't handle rejection, it makes me feel even more like crap than I do on a regular basis. OMG!!!

All of that went through my head in about the span of 15 seconds.

Why am I freaking out? I have no clue. Its totally irrational and stupid. I mean, its not like I even HAVE to go, right? I should go. I should at least make an attempt to get out of the house and make a little bit of money. And if I already know they are going to hate me then it won't really be a disappointment when I don't get hired, right?

See...this is why I never tried to find a job before, its just too much for my poor mind to handle.