I've come to the conclusion that I am an imposter. I might be able to fool people into thinking I'm a normal, everyday person...but really I'm not.
You see, I've been thinking a lot lately about where I've been and where I'd like to do with my life. And the truth is, I haven't got a clue. When I was a kid I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a doctor and that was all there was too it. I was smart and a hard worker and everyone around me knew it, seemed like all was meant to be. Obviously, it wasn't. Well then what??
Everything I've done since then just hasn't really worked out. I was a toddler/preschool teacher. I worked at Curves for Women for a short while. I tried being a doula. But the thing is, while I enjoyed doing those things while I was doing them, I felt like I didn't really belong. I felt like someone pretending to be a good teacher, masquerading as an exercise motivator/information giver, sounding like I knew a lot about birthing a baby...but really underneath it all I didn't know anything. I put on a good act, but I don't feel like I was really any good at any of those things.
Maybe my subconscious knows something I don't, maybe it knows that I wasn't meant to do any of those things and its just waiting for the right thing to come along. Or maybe my early years of being "the smart kid" were just a tease and I am truly meant to be mediocre at everything I do.
That seems more likely, because really I'm not very good at anything I do anymore, and haven't been for a long time now.
I'm a mom. Ok, so I don't totally suck at it, my kids are not physically abused or locked up in a closet or anything. I do feed them and bathe them (sometimes) and clothe them and let them live when they are really irritating me, but I'm definitely not good at it. I definitely don't live up to the expectations I had of myself prior to having children. See, I ignore my kids way too much. I yell way too much. I let them entertain themselves instead of finding fun and interesting activities for us to do. I say no way too often just because saying yes would mean stopping whatever it is I am doing and that annoys me. I'm irritated by them more often than I enjoy being with them. I could go on and on...
I'm a wife. I don't do too well with this role either. The explaination for this could go on forever too, but basically it comes down to me having too little patience and too much selfishness.
I'm a housekeeper. Uh, I don't think I really need to explain this further. Regular readers will know that I actually DO suck at that. Sure I could be worse, but I'm not too far from the bottom.
And that's pretty much all I am. There's a whole list of things that I am NOT (including but not limited to...I don't have friends, hobbies, or a job) and by virtue of not having them, I am not good at them either.
Oooh, wait, I just thought of something I'm good at. Actually, this is something I'm great at...I'm great at being fat! Of course that's how it would go, me being good at something that totally sucks.
Where does one go from here? How do you get to be the age I am and have absolutely no idea who you are? Sure I'm *only* 31 years old, its not like I've got one foot in the grave (er, well maybe I do considering the one thing I'm great at). BUT, I'm *31* years old, I'm fully an adult now, why am I still clueless?
I know you might be thinking, "oh, it can't really be THAT bad, you must be embellishing here." No, its really that bad, I am completely clueless. For example, on any given weekend, or really on every weekend C will ask me something like "what do you want to do today?" or "what would you like to go eat for dinner?" And my answer will ALWAYS be "I don't know." And he gets all upset with me, but really, truly, honestly I DON'T KNOW. It's like my brain shuts down and I cannot form an opinion of my own no matter how hard I try. If he presses me or I try to push myself to choose something I get very irritated and agitated, I just can't do it, it causes me too much stress.
Maybe I have some sort of degenerative brain disease. No seriously, maybe I do.
Don't laugh at me, I can hear you.
There has to be some good explaination other than the fact that the fates just hate me.
I did it!!!
3 years ago