You wanna know one of the worst things about being fat?

Bras!! They just suck when you're fat. I dunno, maybe its just me, but they are just NEVER comfortable, they dig in here and there, I feel like I'm always adjusting them, and the wires are ALWAYS breaking on me, ugh! (And yes I've measured a gazillion times to make sure I'm wearing the right size.)

Anyway, this past weekend I went bra shopping. I'd been wearing cheapy, stretched out, saggy nursing bras that had as much support as a wet noodle for way too long. K is only nursing very early in the morning when I'm not even wearing a bra, so I decided it was time. I also decided to skip the Walmart bras I usually get and spend the money to go back to wearing really GOOD ones.

I went into 2 plus-size stores and all they had were padded bras! Come on, I have enough as it is, I don't need MORE. And really, don't most women who'd need to go to a plus size store have plenty of breastage?? Seriously, so those women wearing a size 46G WANT padding???

I finally found a couple styles sans stuffing at Lane Bryant, but still my selection was pretty poor. So, I caved in and tried a couple padded ones on. Big mistake!! It was a very scary sight, nobody needs boobs that big! Ok, well I'm sure there are some women who come by it naturally, but nobody needs to purposely make them that big!

I guess there's worse things than wearing only one style of bra for the rest of your life. Hmmm...guess that's just another reason I should get my arse in gear and lose some weight.

Anyway, I make my purchases and despite the sparse selection was very happy. I even went into the bathroom and put one on right away, depositing the ratty nursing one that had less support than my shirt in the trash on my way out. I felt pretty and perky for the first time in a long time, LOL.

But then, I started to realize the ONE good thing about the wireless bras I'd been wearing...they don't STAB you in the armpits over and over and over again! Maybe I'm the only one with this problem, but the wires are always way too long and whenever I sit or reach down they poke into me really hard. About halfway through a day I want to rip the bra off because its so irritating.

So my bra revelry was short lived. Perky isn't a whole lot of fun when your pits are bruised. *sigh*

Hello, my name is Amanda, and I am a slacker...

But you knew that already, right? *sigh* I was doing so well with my workouts in January, I met my goal of 21 out of 30 days, I was actually liking to work out and wanting to work out...I was feeling good! And then February came. Not sure what happened, but I just don't have the motivation anymore. I feel like such a slug. I need a big 'ole kick in the rear, cuz if I don't stop slacking soon February is going to be a total wash in the weight loss department.

I'm also a total slacker house keeper. But you knew that already too. I had to frantically clean the kitchen and part of the living room last week just so that it was presentable enough for the maintenance guy to come in and fix a leak. R is getting his pics taken here next Tuesday for that newsletter thing and I'm already stressing about it. One of the boards I frequently read/post on has been down for over a week and will be until Saturday. I'm suffering withdrawals! I thought I'd get more done around the house without the biggest part of my internet addiction...but alas not even that is enough to get me up off my butt and clean.

I hate this apartment. Wait...no, I don't. Can't forget my resolution to think more positively. This apartment is wonderful, it really, really, really is.

From "never gonna be good enough" to "poster child"...

So anyone remember all the crap I had to go through in order to get R into that hospital feeding program? In short it took forever, they didn't think he was ready and constantly made up new reasons when called on the ridiculousness of their previous ones, I could never get any info from anybody, they kept making us jump through all these hoops and when we did would still say R wasn't ready, yadda, yadda, yadda. They finally let him in but I'm certain a huge part of their decision to do that was based upon the fact that they were sick of my bitching to them all the time about their incompetancy and hypocrisy.

Of course, he goes through the program and lo and behold a miracle occurs!! He started at 100% tube fed and ended at 0% tube fed. In the room with these people who didn't think he was even nearly ready for their program the air was so thick with the shock at how well he did and with the pleasure in themselves you could slice it. He has now been completely off of tube feedings for almost 6 full months. I bet they are still patting themselves on the back...

Really, I'm trying not to be bitter, I AM thankful that my son is eating, but at the same time these people really ticked me off and still irritate me beyond belief and I can't let it go. No, that's not it...I just don't want to, LOL.

Ooooh, but now guess what they want to do??? Put his story on the front page of a newsletter for the hospital!!! This newsletter that goes out to the people who give them money to run the program! Whaddyaknow! The director of the program keeps making sure that I've spoken to the woman in charge of R's story, she REALLY wants him to be on the cover. Shocker!

I *might* feel a bit better if any of them would admit they were totally wrong, oh and apologize for not letting him in a year earlier the first time they evaluated...yeah right, not gonna happen!

Why do I bother?

So I spent some time this morning picking up the living room. I didn't get ALL of it done, but the majority of it. And less than 10 hours later...it looks worse than it did before I cleaned it up. Maybe the more dirt the crappy carpet accumulates the more gravitational pull it has. And so all the objects in the house have no choice but to end up on the living room floor. The dining room is the same, no, actually, its worse. I could clean that floor every day and every day it would look like nobody had picked anything up off of it in 2 weeks. Makes sense...more food, more dirt, more gravity. So seriously, why do I bother? Its obviously a losing battle, you can't fight gravity, right?

Back on track...

So, yeah, my weight loss efforts for last year totally tanked. I think I just got too overwhelmed by life...the house, the kids, the dog, school responsibilities, etc, etc, etc. I've also gotten into a total funk about our living and money situation and C and I are both completely miserable living in this apartment. I let my depression about all that get in the way too much. I also let my exhaustion from not getting any decent sleep for the past 14 months + get in the way.

But I also gained weight as a result of letting all that interfere and I'm totally disgusted with myself. This has been the first time in my life (aside from pregnancy which doesn't count) that I've really noticed myself getting bigger. I guess all along its just been a slow progression that didn't really stick out as "wow, you're getting fat!", but not this time, this time I can totally see it and I hate it. And I'm disguested with the way I've been living life in general. I'm tired of being miserable and right now I'm going to start making a concerted effort to change my ways of thinking to more positive ones. If I can get my mind set right I'm sure it will go a very long way to getting my body set right.

I'm back on phase 1 of the Best Life Diet. I'm eating healthy breakfasts, trying to get in tons of water, increasing my exercise, and not eating after 8 pm. Well, I'm trying to do all that, and I've done a pretty good job of it the past 4 days. As long as I can keep my motivation up I'm sure I'll be doing each of those consistently before the end of the month.

I'll have to go back and answer all the questions that I posted again since its been so long. Maybe some things have changed, and maybe they haven't...we'll see.

Resolutions...

Does anyone make New Year's Resolutions anymore?? I don't even know why I bother to make them, or even think about them...I never accomplish them. Oh sure I have good intentions for a few weeks, but the bad habits always win out in the end.

If I were to resolve to do anything this year it would be...

1. Lose weight. Just like every other year for the last half of my life. Maybe I should change it to "Not gain any more weight." If I set my expectations low enough I just might accomplish what I really need to do.

2. Keep my house clean for more than a week at a time. Seriously? Why would I say that, do I even KNOW myself...do I even KNOW my kids...and the dog, and my husband?? Not gonna happen.

3. Spend less time on the computer and more time with my kids. But I've said that for the past several years and I keep going more and more insane...maybe not such a good idea, hiding from my life on the internet could be more beneficial to their well-being.

4. Get more sleep. Ok, THIS is a good one that I should really try for since I've been beyond sleep deprived for over a year. Now if only K would comply I'd be good to go...

5. Get a job. As much as the idea of having even MORE responsibilities piled on me when I'm already totally overwhelmed...and as much as the idea of getting some crappy job in retail or food just for the paycheck makes me want to puke...I need to suck it up and find a way to help us get out of the hole.

6. Find a way to be happy with the life that we've been given. How does that song go...if you can't have the one you want, love the one you're with. Life has dealt us a lot of shitty cards the past few years and not many good ones. But I'm tired of being miserable about everything, I'm tired of wanting what I don't have. I'm tired of feeling like we've put our happiness and our lives on hold just waiting for things that may never happen. I need to stop thinking about how much everything sucks and look for the good, no matter how small it may be. I need to change my thinking and my mind set to a more positive one. I need to stop living for the "ifs" and "mights" and just deal with what is.

So there you have it, a list of what I would do this year if I had enough self-motivation and self-control to go through with it. Only time will tell what I'll actually accomplish.

And my wish to everyone out there...have a very happy and virtuous 2008!!

So its Christmas Eve...

And we're back to celebrating all by our lonely, miserable selves. Granted we didn't want to travel this year after doing it two years in a row, and granted we have absolutely no money to go anywhere even if we wanted to...but still. It always makes me sad for my kids when holidays come and its just us.

I didn't have the biggest or most loving family growing up, but there were always holiday gatherings with lots of yummy food and goodies. Lots of talking and sometimes movies or game playing. Lots of laughing and joking around. All that times two since mine & my mom's and my step-father's families all lived close.

But because we have no one here and are generally the most boring (and broke) people in the world...my poor, neglected children get to celebrate by sitting around at home all day long doing nothing. To them, Christmas is basically just about getting gifts because we either can't afford or aren't creative enough to do anything else. Every year I vow to change that, but every year something always gets in the way. And I suppose I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Someday, someday...

Merry Christmas everyone!!