Boring and yet crazy week

So I haven't had much to say this week, too much going on and too many sick kids I guess. At the same time it feels like its been a really looooooong week and like nothing happened...which is really far from the truth. Tuesday had to take a trip to the peds office, Ethan has an ear infection and pneumonia, Katelyn has bronchiolitis and is getting breathing treatments. I didn't have her check Ryen cuz I was afraid of what she'd find (and he didn't seem too bad off), but he's got the stuffy nose and cough too. I've been fighting it off, but I'm about to give up the fight and just wish to get sick and get it over with! Wednesday was Ethan's birthday, he's SO excited to be 6. I think he had a good day, I took cupcakes to his school, he had a friend over to play, he got 3 boxes of gifts and a new scooter from us. And that's about it.

Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

"The Best Life Diet" question #3...

I have only been really successful at losing weight once. Other times I’d lose a few lbs here and there, but no more than 10 or 15 and it would come back pretty quickly. The one time I actually was doing well I had lost 50 lbs. The day after that weigh-in I flew to MN to attend my mother’s 50th b-day party. I never saw that number on the scale again. So why did that happen? I believe it happened because I went back “home”. Back to where I grew up, back to where I felt so unwanted by my family and everyone else around me, back to where everyone has always known me as the “fat girl”, back to where the seeds of my deep unhappiness with my life began. Subconsciously I was reminded of why I don’t feel like I deserve to get the things I want in life. I really think had I not gone on that trip I may have continued to lose. I haven’t been able to truly get back on track ever since that trip. My self-confidence and self-esteem were shattered at a very young age and every time I turned around as a child I felt like I was being slapped in the face by how awful I was, so being back in that environment just took me right back to that dark place even if I wasn’t conscious that I was going there. I started to believe at a very young age that I couldn’t have the things I wanted or any sort of happines or I couldn't be the person I wanted to be, even when I wanted to change it felt like other people wouldn't let me, I begain to believe that I was doomed to failure and misery. So, even now I allow myself to fail over and over and over again because I don’t really think I can have success or deserve to have happiness.

Why Do I Want To Lose Weight?

"The Best Life Diet" question #2...

I want to lose weight because I hate the way that I am. I hate that I use food to solve all my problems or to just make it through the day. I don’t want to look the way I do anymore. I know other people look at me like I’m a freak, I know this because I look at people bigger than myself and think “wow, how can they let themselves get like that, that’s disgusting.” I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I want that to change. I know that what I see in the mirror isn’t what I really look like, I’ve seen pictures of myself and I’m always shocked at how big I am. I don’t know how, but what I see in the mirror isn’t my true self…and I want to be able to see who I really am. I want to be more attractive to my husband. I know he loves me the way I am, but I don’t think he’d complain if I lost 100 lbs or so. I don’t want my kids to be embarrassed by me. I want to be around to see my kids grow up, get married, have their own kids…and I know I might not be if I continue the way that I am. I want to be able to go into any store and buy clothes that I like and feel good about myself finally. I’m tired of feeling so big and heavy, I want to be light and energetic.

Friday weigh-in

So this week, not so good, 272.5. But I didn't gain as much from the english toffee as I thought I did, LOL! I also didn't do a lick of exercise because I've been so exhausted...I've had a hard time going to sleep at night, and Katelyn hasn't been sleeping well, and with the boys always up at the crack of dawn I just haven't been able to bring myself to get my butt out of bed any earlier in the morning than I HAVE to. I really don't want to use that as an excuse, but I've been literally unable to wake up. *sigh*

Why Am I Overweight?

I started reading Bob Greene's "The Best Life Diet" and in the beginning he asks you to really consider three questions. So I decided in light with my goal to be totally honest with myself and accountable to someone other than myself I'd post about it here. Why are you overweight is the first one, and here is my answer...

Ok, so there are the crappy excuses that don’t mean anything…I have a sweet tooth, I’m addicted to sugar, I have to eat chocolate everyday, I have a young baby and 2 other kids plus the dog and a husband so I have no time to exercise, I’m too exhausted to exercise, I hate to cook and junk food is just easier, healthy food costs too much, blah, blah, blah.

Now for the real reasons… I eat to make myself feel better. I’m completely overwhelmed by my life. My house is a wreck and I don’t even know where to begin to make things better. My boys are difficult to deal with, they leave me stressed and exhausted before half the morning is even over. I’m unhappy with so many things about my life. I don’t like where we live…I don’t like the apartment, I don’t like the town, I don’t even really like the state. I feel very alone, I have no friends, and we have no family around us. My husband works long hours and isn’t home a lot, when he is home he spends the majority of his time playing video games. And when he’s not doing that he’s pissy because of the kids or something I’ve done that he’s taken offense to. My entire life is getting up, dealing with my kids, making feeble attempts to take care of the house, going grocery shopping, making school runs, and going to bed. I don’t have anything other than being a mom and because my boys are so difficult I don’t even feel like I’m good at that. Feeling like I’m not good at something is very hard for me. I grew up being the “smart kid”, I got practically straight A’s all the while working 2-3 part time jobs in high school, I was going to go to medical school and become a doctor. So for me now to spend 95% of my time playing peek-a-boo and arguing with my multiple personality 4 year old and asking why for the 597,624,410th time my almost 6 year old is doing something he’s been told not to is difficult for me to accept. I used to feel like I was intelligent and good at things…now I feel like I’m a 4 year old. I’m a perfectionist deep down, so if I don’t think I can do something perfectly I don’t even try…so in all honestly I haven’t ever really, REALLY tried to lose weight. And I have very low self esteem, so I guess I don’t really think I’m worth it. I grew up being teased all the time…by my family, by kids at school. I never really had any close friends and I still don’t, I still wonder what is so wrong with me that people don’t like me. I used to think it was just because I was fat, but then I think somewhere out there has to be someone who can see past what I look like…so either I haven’t found those people yet or something else is making nobody want to be my friend. My father had wanted my mother to have an abortion, my grandmother wished my mother had joined the navy instead of getting pregnant…I felt like I wasn’t wanted by anybody. I started eating to cover up the pain at a very young age and I’m still doing it.

Something about warm chocolate chip cookies and ice cream and creamy milk chocolate, and well anything loaded with sugar and fat just soothes your soul. For about 5 minutes... Of course, ironically, it is also the same thing that makes me feel like total crap later on. *sigh*

So you may have noticed...

I didn't post my weigh-in yesterday. That's because I just forgot to do it. I got up and went about my morning and totally forgot to weigh myself. Honestly, it probably wasn't that I "forgot", it was probably my subconscious keeping me from throwing the scale against the wall. BECAUSE...while I really, really, really appreciate that my husband got me a valentine's gift at all, one he actually put thought into and didn't hastily buy on his way home from work...he got me a box of See's Candy english toffee and a container of toffee-ettes. Ok, I totally can't resist eating this stuff even though I know just looking at it probably makes me gain 10 lbs.

My son is such a man...

Ethan just came and told me he was eating his lunch, but he had to go to the bathroom. As he goes to sit back down I hear him say "Lunch is so good after a good pee." ROFLMAO...seriously, where do they come up with stuff like that??