The Pursuit of Sanity

"Here we go" again...

2011-01-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

Had to wait until to day to post this...because 2 years ago on January 28th I posted a lament about the *#&$^%!*& Pittsburgh Steelers being in the Super Bowl. And of course it's happening again. So in honor of that, here is a link to that post, which is still as relevant now as it was then!

The Steelers Post

There is something wrong...

2010-12-12T18:41:00.000-08:00

Very, very wrong. It was way over 80 degrees outside today. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt because it's been cool-ish most of the time lately. But Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke on us today, just when we get used to the pants and jackets and enjoy freezing every evening...she throws in a flip flops and tank tops middle of August kind of day.

We went to get lunch and pick out a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree, in the over 80 degree heat. There was no shade, just the blazing sun beating down on us. It felt like my skin would spontaneously combust. Did you know it is really hard to feel the Christmas spirit when you want to strip down to your underwear in the middle of the Home Depot parking lot?

In the car while driving, it was cool with the air conditioner on. You could see the leaves falling off the trees, it looked like a pleasant fall day. Until you opened the car door and melted onto the sidewalk.

I always feel like I am in an alternate universe the last few months of the year. People start preparing for all the various holidays and to me it feels like summer is barely over. Then I look at the calendar and realize there is less than 2 weeks until Christmas and I haven't even taken the photos for the Christmas cards, let alone ordered, received, and sent them out.

Then I hear family and friends are digging out from tons of snow in MN, the roof of the Metrodome collapsed under all the snow. It's just not fair.

You may have noticed...

2010-12-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

That I haven't posted in a really, really, really long time. My summer ended up being very quiet and kinda boring with child #1 in Texas for 2 whole months, and child #2 in Minnesota for a month. My girl and I hung out and really not much happened to talk about. Did fly to MN twice, spent about a week and a half total there between the two trips. It was nice to be back "home", and that's pretty much all I can say about the matter without getting myself into trouble with my husband (hi honey!)

School started and I ended up with 2 extra beings around here. I have been doing daycare for my friend's dog and baby. The dog is a HUGE pain in the butt, literally HUGE...he weighs about 90 lbs and is only 7 months old! The baby is a cutie, but man, she is a grumpy child! She screams more than all of my kids put together I think. I can't get anything done, ever. I had been doing some homeschooling preschool with K and all that went out the window.

We're in a better routine now, but life overall has been overwhelming for me and I just haven't been able to get here to post. I'm basically a single parent since poor C is working really long hours. Trying to manage the house all by myself and wrangle my difficult children, plus dealing with the 2 extras has been wearing on my nerves...a lot! I've turned into a person I don't like, so that's another reason I have been staying away from posting.

I guess if anything (aside from the money) this experience has shown me that there is no way I could ever handle being a mom to 4 children, LOL! Only a few more weeks though, the baby turns 1 on December 21st and can go to a daycare on base that is a lot cheaper for mom & dad. Hopefully things will be a bit easier then. If not then I am seriously considering medication.

Going to try to get back into posting, but if you don't hear from me for another 6 months don't be surprised!

At long last

2010-06-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

Finally!! Tomorrow is one of my two favorite days of the year...the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

What is my other favorite day of the year you wonder? The FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!

I believe that moms fall into certain groups. There's the "Summer Moms" who take their kids to the park every day and the beach and movies and do crafts and go to museums and playdates and the zoo and picnics and the pool and summer camps and...well you get the idea. The enjoy being free of the routine of the school year and free to hang out with their kids doing fun things. They try to pack as much fun and entertainment as is possible into their days.

Then there are the "School Year Moms". Those are the ones who'd rather chew their own arm off than push their kid on the swing for 3 hours. Er, maybe that's just me. They like the familiarity of the school days where they always know what has to come next (getting up, going to school, coming home, homework, making dinner, bedtime!!!) and they take much joy in sending their little ones off each day.

I am definitely NOT a "Summer Mom." Staying home with my kids is simply not fun, they are loud and obnoxious and they fight constantly and complain of being bored and make a huge mess all the time. Taking my kids out places is even less enjoyable. The amount of chaos they create at home pales in comparison to the torture they dole out for me when I take them out of the house. I love them all dearly, but I do not really like them when forced to take them in large doses. Maybe if I had well behaved children I'd feel differently. I have a friend who has these well behaved children (several of them, more than I have) and they do all sorts of fun things. And at times I do wish we could experience those same kind of activities. But then my own non-well behaved children are fighting and crying and hitting and arguing all at the same time all in a matter of 5 minutes just while I'm trying to get them into the car and then proceed to scream things at me about how mean and horrible I am while I'm trying to drive them to do one of those fun activities...well I quickly remember why I'd rather stay home.

So I fall into the category of the "School Year Mom", although really I'm more of a "Beginning of the school year Mom." The middle of the school year there is too much time off, starting with 1 week at Thanksgiving, 2 weeks at the holidays, 1 week in February, and ending with 1 week of spring break in April....enough vacation already! The end of the school year starts to feel like things are dragging on. I'm sick of helping with homework and all the papers that come home and trying to get everyone out the door on time in the morning.

So tomorrow I will rejoice at no longer having to trek to the school twice a day in the van and I'll happily recycle all the papers and workbooks that were brought home. I'll wash the backpacks and put them away for the next 2 months. I'll revel in this freedom...for about 24 hours. Because by Wednesday afternoon I'm going to be counting the days until I can rejoice yet again.

Life Reflecting Art

2010-06-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Er, reflecting someone else's life is more accurate I suppose. One of my neighbors loaned me their copy of "Eat Pray Love" to read. She warned me the beginning was kind of depressing and not that exciting, but it got better. I hadn't ever had any desire to read this book because the subject matter didn't really interest me, but I was in the middle of "Memoirs Of A Geisha" and I figured depressing HAD to be better than mind-numbingly boring so I was happy to give it a try.

Interestingly enough, the first part where she is immersed in pleasureable things in Italy, including food, was not difficult for me to read at all. I didn't find the talk of her divorce depressing and I finished that part of the book very quickly. Maybe I liked it because I've always thought Italy would be a beautiful place to visit. Not that it was the best thing I ever read, but enjoyable enough.

But the second part, where she's meditating in an Ashram in India...that was like punishment for me to read. I was either bored and falling asleep (although I must say it was still more interesting than the Geisha book) or just plain irritated with what I was reading. I felt like I had as much trouble getting through that part of the book as she did with getting her mind right while meditating. I couldn't get through that section fast enough, many times I thought about just skipping ahead.

So reading about eating good food = enjoyable. Reading about meditation & prayer = nearly torture. I found this parallel to my own life quite humorous. My husband, who has very similar beliefs as I do, laughed at the irony as well.

You see, clearly food & I get along very well, and I would totally love to have the freedom to just do whatever I wanted and indulge myself in pleasurable activities. At this point of my life I'd love to even know what I would do if I did have the opportunity, because right now I honestly have no idea what *I* like. As for the other, while I'm not opposed to meditating for it's relaxation/stress reduction benefits, the whole becoming one with god and the universe (and, well, pretty much anything having to do with religion) is just not my thing. In my past attempts to give religion/belief a try I've always found myself feeling annoyed or bored. Nothing about it appeals to me, just like nothing about that section of the book appealed to me.

At the very least I got a laugh out of myself, and a welcome break from the monotony of that other book. Hmm, I suppose I should go back to reading that now, bummer.

Product Review

2010-06-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

I have insomnia. The kind where I'll wake up in the middle of the night and be unable to fall back to sleep for hours. When I have several nights of that in a row generally I turn to medicinally induced sleep by taking some Simply Sleep. I've heard about this stuff call Mid Nite that is a natural sleep aid that you can take anytime, including the middle of the night.

I finally got some to try. And, well, it's not as miraculous as I'd hoped it would be. It doesn't actually put me back to sleep. What it does is put me in a state that feels like I *could* fall asleep at any moment, but I don't. So I lay there, aware that I'm not sleeping and yet not fully conscious, for the same amount of time I'd normally have been laying there awake.

So I guess that's better...sort of. Maybe somehow in that asleep-ish state my body is getting some of the restoration it needs. My brain isn't going 60 miles an hour thinking over who knows what, it's just thinking I'm not sleeping, I really wish I was sleeping.

I don't necessarily NOT recommend this product, but I can't truly recommend it either.

A piercing question...

2010-06-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

No, not the kind of great importance...the kind about, well, piercing. I think I just might want another one. Not that I have many, or that the ones I do have are that interesting. They are, in fact, completely and utterly boring. My ear lobes have been pierced twice, although the top holes are closed up and I rarely wear earrings in the other ones. I do like the looks of certain piercings, but mostly I'm not big on stabbing my body with needles in crazy places, I wouldn't even get an epidural. I have always wanted another tattoo, but that's another topic for another day.

What would suddenly spark an interest? Well someone on FB was posting about their new piercing being infected. (Yes I realize it seems odd to desire something based upon someone else's discomfort.) The piercing she got is the tragus piercing. Honestly I'm totally uncool and I had no idea what that was, so I had to look it up, and yeah, I was a bit afraid to find out. (If you're as uncool as I am go ahead and click on the link, it isn't anything bad, it's on the ear!) But when I saw what it was I was like wow, I really like that, I want one!

Part of me is thinking, it's cool, I like it, go for it! And the other part is, I'm old, I'm boring, it probably won't look as good on me as it does in the pictures I looked at, and I don't really want to purposely cause myself pain, do I?

So, I don't know...should I, or shouldn't I?

New blog

2010-06-01T20:51:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to announce that I have created a new blog focused on my weight loss journey. It is called "The Pursuit of Myself", if you're interested come check it out!

Week 1

2010-05-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

Are you wondering how my first week of taking joy in cleaning my house has gone? Well...my house is still a total disaster. It wasn't that I hated the act of doing it, I just avoided it at all cost. So I guess that's a baby step, not quite sure if it's the right direction or not, but a baby step nonetheless.

In my defense, I was very distracted this week. First by the excitement of the Biggest Loser Finale, and then by the multitudes of people seeming to make their sole purpose in life to piss me off. My brain was so filled with irritation by Thursday that I was pretty much useless as far as accomplishing anything.

Did anyone watch the most recent Amazing Race? During the last leg one of the tasks was for one team member to navigate another through two video game levels, but the one being navigated couldn't see anything.

What does that have to do with anything you ask... Considering the level of disaster in my house I really think THAT is what I need. Someone to direct me to the place where I need to start cleaning, and guide me all the way to the end, and I couldn't be allowed to see any of the mess (other than directly in front of me) because then I'd be too overwhelmed to keep going. I think a lot of women would appreciate such a thing, don't you?

Dear Mr. Lucas, I know you are all into the movie and video game business, but I think there's an unexplored market out there for you. You can call it Cleaning Wars. Queue the scrolling text...

~~A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away~~ Right now in homes across the country... A mother sits in the middle of her house, surrounded and defeated. ~~Galactic battle droids~~ Her children hold her hostage with ~~stolen light sabers~~ nerf guns and leaky sippy cups. The floor a mine field of tiny legos and dirty laundry. There is no escape. Her only hope...a small band of rebel mothers, fed up with their homes being destroyed, are on their way. Their plan? To take back the ~~galaxy~~ house, room by room.

Biggest Loser!!!!!

2010-05-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday evening I got to attend the live finale of Biggest Loser season 9. I took along my friend Jenn who I've known from an online mom's group for many years now. Talk about being starstruck...oh my, there were so many cool people to see! There were a ton of past contestants (who all look so great and just like they did on tv), the families of current contestants, Curtis Stone was there. And of course the current contestants, Bob, Jillian, and Dr. H. We were like "oh look its him and her and them, and wow!"

I started watching Days of Our Lives when I was like 5 years old, I would go to my grandma's house and she watched it so I did too. I was a diehard fan for a good portion of my life! I haven't really watched it regularly the past several years, but I do catch it now and then. So it was especially cool for me to see Allison Sweeney. Her husband and mom sat right behind us. I also saw James Scott, who plays EJ on the show. He sat 2 rows behind us, and he stood right next to me for a few moments after the show so I asked for his autograph!

We got autographs also from Dan & Jackie Evans from BL season 5 (Jackie also smiled and waved at me one of the times she was walking by!), Daniel from BL's season 7 & second chances, and Eric the BL season 3 winner (who gained back all his weight.) He is looking fantastic, btw!! Danny Cahill, the BL season 8 winner had a small video camera he was using, he also smiled and waved at me while he was panning the audience. They all seemed like super nice people!

Our seats were in the front row in the center section. So many of the past contestants walked right by us before the show and during commercials while they were off catching up with all their friends. Even Bob walked right by us. They were close enough we could have reached out touched them.

The show itself was great to watch. To see these people in person and imagine where they started and how amazing they look now was so awesome! Mike, Ashley, Daris, and Koli all looked so genuinely happy, there wasn't a loser among them! I was truly impressed with Mike, he came so far and he really looks like he doesn't have that much further to go.

They gave away tons of free gifts, I got a box of the lemonade flavored protein drink they have, and a cd of workout music. Plus everyone who came got some coupons for a free month of membership to the Biggest Loser Club, a 30 day one-club membership to 24 hour fitness, and 5% discount on a 1 week reservation to the Biggest Loser Resort.

While we were standing waiting to be allowed into the studio we got talking to a girl wearing a green Biggest Loser shirt. Jenn asked if she actually knew Miggy or Migdalia. She said that she had visited the Biggest Loser Ranch. She is a huge fan of the show and was needing to lose weight and really wanted to go there for inspiration. She ended up meeting Miggy while she was there. Apparently the Biggest Loser Ranch is really a big park that you can actually go to, you can hike on the trails and mountains that they do on the show. How cool is that?

Anyway, it was just a really great experience and I'm so glad I got to go!

I couldn't take any pictures while I was there, but here are some of the things I collected.

Ticket to get in...

Seat tag with autographs

Confetti!!

Free prizes!

James Scott "EJ" autograph

I was...

2010-05-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

I was going to come here and write something yesterday. It really seemed like a good idea at the time. But then it slipped my mind amongst all the other things I was doing. I just remembered a few minutes ago, oh yeah, I was going to write a post! But....but....what in the heck was I going to write about??

I have no idea. Guess it wasn't all that important after all.

Today should be an equally exciting and boring day. I am going to the taping of the Biggest Loser finale!!!!! (That's the exciting part!!!) Of course that will entail approximately 5 hours of driving and likely a couple more hours worth of waiting around. (That's the boring part, if you couldn't tell.)

Bummed that I can't take any pictures to show you, but hopefully there will be something fun to tell you.

Resistance Is Futile

2010-05-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

I think I've been approaching my life all wrong. I've been fighting against so many things because I never saw myself as THIS person that I am. But resistance really is futile, it's not getting me anywhere, hasn't been for a very long time now. It's time to look at things in a whole new light. Maybe what I am living really IS my destiny and I need to start embracing it.

For example... Growing up I was never an organized, neat person. My room was always a mess, you could hardly walk though it. That was the only way I could find anything, if I put stuff away I never remembered where it was. But now, being a stay at home mom with 3 kids, my life revolves around making things neat or clean or organized. I NEVER wanted to be that person. Yes I did want to stay home with my kids, but all the other stuff...heck no! I wanted to be a mom, not a maid. Apparently nobody ever told me they were one and the same.

I've been telling myself for years that I hate to clean and cook and do laundry and dishes and grocery shop. I sit and look at how awful the house looks, but because I truly believe that I dislike (with every bone in my body) the activities that would fix it, I end up doing nothing. Hiding away from it with one excuse after another. Then things stay awful, and I stay stressed and miserable.

But maybe that story I've been telling myself is a lie. Maybe I actually AM destined to spend my days making things clean. Maybe I COULD actually get joy and satisfaction out of being a homemaker if I were to just stop fighting against it.

Clearly no other person in this family values it like I do. Nobody else can be bothered to pick up their crap or scrub a toilet. It's like torture to them. There's always something else for them to do that is more important than the dishes or the laundry. I am the only person bothered by the mess around here. So maybe that is a huge cosmic sign to just embrace it. Maybe for me REALLY living is to dive into doing all this stuff with happiness.

Nothing (and I really mean NOTHING) that I've ever tried as far as a career path has worked out for me. Maybe that's because I'm not meant to do anything other than what I am right now. Seriously, the most successful job I've ever held has been...um...probably scooping ice cream at Baskin Robbins when I was 15. I've always thought I was meant for more than retail or food jobs. Even being a toddler/preschool teacher never really felt like the right fit, I loved the kids, but somehow I always felt uncomfortable.

So I'm going to really try hard to stop thinking about who I thought I was going to be and focus on the life that is happening while I'm being who I actually am.

I may be back here in a week posting that I was right originally and this life is completely wrong and I do actually hate cleaning up after everyone. Just a warning...

I am alive, but not fully functioning

2010-05-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

This was another week of pretty much nothing happening or getting accomplished. My neck strain or whatever it is has still been bothering me...A LOT. And it was re-injured on Wednesday night by several middle of the night coughing fits, so my head is just all full of irritation about being in constant pain.

The whole week has kinda of been one big dysfunction for me. I've been irritated like 24/7, people are annoying me left and right. I've avoided writing anything so I didn't sound like a huge beotch, but in celebration of Friday I'll let you hear it today. I know you're thanking me, but just maybe it'll make you feel better about your week.

My children keep bugging me about having playdates with their friends. Why must they choose THE most irritating kids to want to play with? R's friend is a messed up kid. His mom died (not sure when exactly) and I'm sure he has a lot of issues that go along with that. But while I sympathize, it doesn't make me like him any more. E and this kid are always arguing, this kid is always lying about giving them Lego guys that he never intended to give away, he hit R in the head today (and yet R still asked me about a playdate.) Ugh. E's friend? Well, there's nothing nice I have to say about that kid. He also has a questionable family life, supposedly his dad died but I'm not sure if that's true, I do know his mom is remarried. He has influenced E to do so many inappropriate things, clearly he is exposed to and allowed to do things that are well beyond what happens in our home. Because of this kid E has gotten in trouble at school and at home MANY times. And no matter what we say, this kid is more important to E than anything else.

Why can't my children pick nice, normal kids to be friends with? Is that too much to ask? E's friend is moving in a few weeks at least, I am forever grateful to the U.S. military for moving these people across the country. Is it bad to say that? It probably is. But the thing is, I don't much care, that's how much I dislike this kid.

Also supremely irritated at R's teacher this week. I admit, I am totally grouchy this week. The pain in my neck is making me very crabby and totally not in the mood to deal with anybody's crap. But this lady and her indirect ways of commenting on R's unfinished work just hit me the wrong way. She's been no help to him at all this year and if she's got a problem with how he's been doing then she needs to come out and just say it. I can't help if I have no idea what is going on.

My MIL isn't at the top of my list either. She wants E to come spend the summer with her. She was planning on getting his plane ticket and all that. We've been waiting to hear if she'd made the reservations yet. Yesterday I get an email from her complaining about all that she's had to do at work and asking if I could arrange for the plane ticket for her. Yeah, because I have nothing better to do. The thing is, you can't buy a ticket for an unaccompanied minor on an online site. So I can't really search for the cheapest priced airline very well. I'm going to have to call the airline(s)...which is a big problem for me because of my whole despising using the phone with people I don't know thing. (Oh, you didn't know about that? I'll save that story for another day.) So I either just pick one and not care about the price, or have to call around to several causing even more angst for myself. The only good thing I get out of it is sending my son away for 2 months. Oh crap, um, did I just say that out loud? Dang...

I know there were a lot of other instances of irritation this week, those are just the main ones. I will again hope to be back to regularly scheduled programming next week, but clearly I can't promise anything!

Happy Anniversary to us!

2010-05-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

C & I have been married 11 years today! I feel like I'm in some sort of time warp lately, because it seems like only a couple months ago I was writing about R turning 7 and C & I's 10th anniversary. And yet, here it is a whole year later. I thought 2010 was going by fast, but the entire past year has just flown by.

I'm still sick, and as a result my house is a wreck. I'm hoping to feel more like I belong in the land of the living by next week and return the house to it's usual state of disarray instead of the massive one it's in now. My coughing is better, my throat is slooooowly getting less sore, and my energy has returned a bit...so I'm hopeful. However, the muscle strain in my neck that I got and was made worse by a horrendous coughing fit ISN'T getting any better. Between my throat and my neck I'm really over being in continuous pain.

Happy Birthday to you!

2010-05-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

R turns 8 years old today!! So hard to believe how fast time flies, wasn't he JUST that chubby baby who scooted around on his butt instead of crawling? Hope you have a great day today buddy!

If only we could know why they think what they think

2010-05-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

I've been sick and haven't really had anything to say for several days. But this morning a conversation occured in my kitchen that was too funny not to mention. My oldest child, E, is going to Texas to spend the summer with his grandma after school gets out. We've talked about this as a family a few times, haven't made a secret out of it or anything, E has certainly mentioned it often.

So this morning E is saying something about it again and all of a sudden my middle child, R, catches on. Like he finally understands what we've been discussing all along, and once he realizes that E is actually spending all summer with grandma he starts whining and yelling and crying things like "Nooooo, no you're not!" and "That's NOT FAIR!!!" He spent a good 3 minutes agonizing over the injustice of his brother visiting grandma for the whole summer and him having to stay home.

And then? Well then the wheels began to turn in his crazy mixed up little mind. As suddenly as the whining started, a switch was flipped and he really got the message.

Now he says to his brother with excitement in his eyes..."That means you're not going to be here!" And the smile returns to his face.

Ahhhh, can't get enough of that brotherly love.

Inappropriate parenting?

2010-05-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

My almost 8 year old has a new favorite song. A song that uses a phrase many, many times that contains a word that most parents would discourage their youngsters from using. I'm not sure if he likes it because of that word and he can get away with saying it because it's in a song and he's singing it....or if he likes it just because it's a song with a catchy beat that gets stuck in your head.

But he loves it, and it probably doesn't help that I'll play it for him pretty much whenever he asks. *blush* My bad. So I encourage my kids to use bad words for the sake of music...they're gonna learn it someday, right? Might as well be under my supervision. No? Probably not, but it's kinda late now, oh well.

The song.

Freeeee!!!!

2010-04-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

My dysfunction today involves shopping. Well, it wasn't actually supposed to involved shopping. It was supposed to involve me going into Lane Bryant and collecting my free pair of Cacique panties and leaving. (You still have 3 more days to get in on this if anyone is interested....click here.)

But I am indecisive, very indecisive. If I see a bunch of good choices in front of me I just can never tell what the BEST one of those is. So I wander around looking at my options (plain color only), and seeing all the others that aren't my option, and really liking them better. Then I see that there is a sale. 5 for $29. If you get the non plain color that's like getting 3 free. Who can pass up 3 free pair of underwear?

Not me, that's who. So much for for the free shopping trip, but really that's their goal isn't it? But now I don't have to pick just one, I have to pick 6 (my 5 + the free one). Ok, who thought THAT was a good idea??? That only makes it harder. So I'm searching and searching, thinking it really shouldn't be so hard, I mean nobody but me is going to see them, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they aren't going to look as cute on me as they do laying on the table. My daughter is totally unimpressed by this shopping adventure and can't understand why we can't just leave and go get lunch.

There are 2 other women there with their free coupons in hand as well. One lady took about 2 minutes to choose the one (and only one!) she wanted. What's up with that? Why am I incapable of that? The other lady...she took some to the dressing room to try on. Ummm...ewww. I mean, I get it (you want to make sure they are the right size/fit, and the saleslady did remind her she needed to keep on her own undergarments)...but, but I don't get it. Ok, well really my problem with this is totally my own issue. I would be mortified to try on underwear and bring them back to the table if I didn't like them. Why? Because I would be afraid you could tell they were tried on, like they'd somehow be stretched out twice as big as they are supposed to be. Seriously, you couldn't get more humiliating than that, right? No matter if there was no perceptible difference at all, I would still see them as humongous.

I wonder if skinny chicks overthink stuff like this, or maybe it's just because I'm a fat chick, or maybe I'm just some sort of freak. But, really...please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks trying on underwear is kinda weird?

Brain vacation

2010-04-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those weeks where I can't seem to accomplish anything at all. Truth be told I have a lot of those weeks, but that is why I haven't posted in a week. I've had laundry to do that I can't seem to remember. It doesn't help that I knew I was low on detergent, and yet made a trip to Target totally forgetting to buy more. A co-worker of C's who likes our kids is coming to babysit on Saturday. And instead of keeping the house picked up so I don't have to bust my ass cleaning all day Saturday, I've let it slowly collect more and more crap so that I more than likely will have to bust my ass cleaning all day Saturday. It is now almost 3 pm, I've been telling myself all day that I would start cleaning the downstairs. And I've accomplished exactly...2 loads of that laundry (which originated upstairs.) And now, here I am, writing a blog post instead of doing anything productive.

Further proof that my brain is not functioning on all cylinders...on Tuesdays the boys get out of school at 1:40 instead of 3:20. It is this way every week as it has always been, even at their old school Thursday was an early day. At 2:00 on Tuesday the phone rang, I see it's from the school, I think "Oh great, who's sick/got in trouble/what dumb recorded message do I have to listen to now?" Then I hear the office lady's voice "Mrs. Fischer, it's Tuesday." CRAP, CRAP, CRAP. (And, um, no, this is not the first time this has happened, not even the first time this year, and likely won't be the last. But, but, but...I only did it once last year and that was at the beginning when I wasn't yet used to a different day, or maybe it was twice last year, I can't remember. And I've only done it twice, er maybe 3 times, this year. That's not bad, right? Right? There's always other kids wiating in the office too, so I can't be the only one.)

Eh, who needs to be on top of things? Cleanliness and organization is overrated. And having my kids come home after school is highly overrated.

P.S.
In case anyone might be wondering how E is doing after poor Harry's demise. We had a small funeral for him on Saturday morning and buried him in the yard. We put roses from our rose bushes on his grave and E made a grave marker for him. He was sad, but that didn't keep him from obsessing over how soon we could get to the store to get a new hamster.

And so, off to Petco we went, and came home with a new little rodent. E wasn't so happy about him at first, he was quite skittish and didn't want to be touched, much different from Harry who was very sweet and enjoyed being held. We gave him the name Zeus in honor of E's current obsession with Greek mythology. He bit me, he bit E. BUT, all is well now. He has calmed down and will allow the kids to hold and pet him. He loves running on the wheel, and destroying the cage every couple days. He's darn quick though, if he ever gets loose I don't think we'll ever catch him! Which may be good, because if he ever got loose Abby the dog would love to "play"!

Goodbye Harry

2010-04-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a blah, boring, just want to take a nap kind of day. I never got around to posting about anything, and probably wouldn't have come up with anything to say anyway.

And today I'm here to say goodbye to Harry the Hamster.

This morning I was woken by E bursting in my room saying he saw Harry laying in the cage and not moving and asking if that meant he was dead. I get up to go check it out, as we're walking to the boys room E says that Harry was cold too. Oh great, I think, how did the fates know I wanted to start my day with a lesson in pet mortality. And sure enough Harry is laying in the middle of the cage, all stretched out, stiff as a board, eyes closed, cold, and very much dead.

As soon as I pronounced the fate of E's poor hamster he says "Is there such thing as getting a new one from Petco? Will I have to pay for it with my own money?" Gee kid, the poor animal hasn't been gone but a few hours and you're wanting to replace him? How's that for loyalty, remind me not to die, ok?

So, rest in peace Harry (formerly known as Cupcake.) We didn't know you long (just 2 months since E's birthday,) but you were cute and cuddly and very nice as far as hamsters go. We will miss you.

Going in a different direction

2010-04-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

I don't really consider this a dysfunction, it's actually useful, a talent almost..albeit not one most people would boast about. But me? I don't have many talents, so why not celebrate the ones that I do. I'm sure there are others who have this ability, I'm just the only one in my house. You see, I have a 6th sense. A bad milk sense.

You know how gross it is to pour a glass of milk and take a big chug only to find out it's gone bad and is totally disgusting and makes you want to puke. Well, I can tell when milk is just on the cusp of starting to go bad. I can smell and taste the difference instantly, no matter how small.

This morning I had to dump almost half a gallon of milk because of this. Normally I consider this ability a good thing, but on the other hand, it really kind of sucks. Milk is expensive!

I'm so sick of myself

2010-04-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

Today's post will fall under the heading of "self-loathing". I've spoken many times about my issues with my weight and how it seems that no matter how many times I try I keep failing. I understand that since I'm still trying that's a good thing, I understand that it's only when you totally give up that you're really failing. But I can't look at myself in the mirror and accept that because occasionally I get my fat ass up and move around or eat less at dinner that I'm not failing.

Yes, I have lost somewhere around 20-23 lbs, depending on the day. But that is a drop in the bucket and simply not good enough. For the past 4 months I have been stuck right in this spot, not gaining or losing, just coasting. Sure, it could be worse...but I want better.

It has never been more apparent to me than in the past week just how screwed up my head is when it comes to this weight loss stuff. A week and a half ago I decided I was tired of this maintaining crap and I was going to work really hard for the remaining 3 weeks of April and lose at least the 8 lbs left to make it to 30 lbs lost. I was motivated and ready to get going. So what happened instead? I immediately did nothing but crave sugar, lots and lots of sugar. It's like there's a disconnect between my brain and my body. My brain is screaming at me "You shouldn't eat that! You do not want to eat that! Stop eating that!" But my body is picking up the crap and shoveling it in my mouth as if it were the last food I would ever get to eat. Like no matter how much I don't want to eat the sugar I'm going to anyway. The more determined I am to be good and do the right things, the more I cannot control my body's intense addiction to sugar.

I HATE that, it is SO messed up. What I want more than anything is in my power to have, and yet I will not allow myself to have it. It is supremely irritating and I am so annoyed with myself.

Still recovering

2010-04-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend my oldest son had a sleepover on Saturday and my younger son had a playdate on Sunday. It was awful...for me. I don't particularly enjoy having extra children around. Ok, without their parents I don't enjoy it. It's great to have friends of mine/ours over hanging out and our kids are playing together, that's fun. At least I can try to ignore my own kids by having a conversation with someone else, and they can discipline their own kids. But kids here by themselves, ugh. They are always too loud and obnoxious for me, makes me feel like a grumpy, crotchety old lady.

I don't like feeling like a grumpy, crochety old lady.

Because of this I avoid these kind of get togethers as much as possible. This weekend, it wasn't possible, one was asked of me by the mother and begged of me by the child...the other I thought was going to mean sending my kid off to someone else's house, a thought I was quite wrong about. There was a lot of noise, and lot of pushing of the behavioral boundaries, and not a lot of sleep. Which meant when all was said and done there was a lot of crying and whining and rule breaking. So as much as I don't enjoy the actual event, the fallout is even worse.

So, I didn't get to post this weekend, and I'm too tired and have too much of a headache to come up with anything interesting to write today. I guess I could just call this my daily dysfunction, being a parent who wants my kids to be sociably and have friends, but doesn't want those friends to come to my home.

Creepy cashiers

2010-04-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

I don't like them, they make me...uncomfortable.

I have 3 redheads so I get my fair share of comments and conversations with random people walking around grocery stores or Target or wherever about their hair or how cute they are. I am also a person that people tend to stop and ask things of. "Have you ever used this?" "Can you reach that on the top shelf, I'm too short." "What would you buy for a boy/girl turing X years old?" Depending on my mood that day or how often I have to stop during one trip I generally don't mind all that too much.

But the creepy cashiers get to me. The ones who start asking you questions or begin some personal story that doesn't seem relevant to the act of ringing up groceries or taking too much of an interest in your kids. I guess it's because you're kind of stuck there with them at the mercy of how quickly they can move all of your purchases along the conveyor belt (while they are taking too much time to talk to you.) You can't just walk away or ignore them or pretend like you have to hurry your kid to the bathroom. Even the smiling and nodding your head like you care all the while thinking about what you're making for dinner or the latest American Idol episode is a bit more difficult when you are standing face to face with someone only 2 feet away. There is a fine line between being friendly and being creepy people, stay on the right side of the line!

I had a creepy cashier today. He kept smiling and waving at Katelyn, saying she was a silly girl. She looked at him strangely, as well she should have. My hand was near her and she thought I was going to tickle her so she told me I couldn't, and the guy says "Can I tickle you?" Then she looked at him like 'you're a gross old man'...as well she should have.

I don't wanna!!!

2010-04-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Said in my best 2 year old tantrum throwing, whining, yelling, kicking, throwing things voice.

That is how I've felt every morning this week. I decided that starting Monday I was going to get up early to exercise. I was tired of having too many other things get in the way later in the morning and ending up skipping it day after day.

The problem is, my kids wake up at the crack of dawn and start stomping or shouting or crying or asking for things practically as soon as their eyelids open. Which means I have to be on them every 30 seconds for quiet because my husband doesn't go to bed at a normal time and doesn't appreciate noise when he is sleeping. I do not appreciate having to do that AND workout at the same time. So getting up early for me means getting up extra early so I can finish before the natives get restless.

Even though I decided that's what I wanted to do and it was my completely my choice...I am still not happy about it. Not happy at all. Every time the dang alarm goes off I am screaming in my head that I DO NOT WANT TO GET OUT OF BED!! It doesn't matter that I won't be able to sleep anymore, I just don't want to get up. Period. I did on Monday and today, but Tuesday and Wednesday the toddler in my head won.

Weight loss self-sabotage... If there is one dysfunction I wish I could get rid of for good it's that one!

One from last night

2010-04-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today's dysfunction actually happened last night, however, I am still feeling the effects of it today so it counts. Last night I hurt my wrist. How did I do this? By getting up off the couch.

Yeah, I know you're jealous. It takes a special kind of talent to hurt your arm in the process of standing up...and I? Am so totally that talented!

It was a very strange series of events that I'm still not exactly sure how it all happened. I went to stand up and put my hand on the arm of the couch. For some reason I had my hand fist down instead of palm down. As I was about halfway up my wrist suddenly gave out bending under and forcing a good portion of my weight onto it. About a split second after that, I have no idea why, my right knee gave out, thus forcing almost all of my weight onto my bent under wrist. I almost fell to the floor on my ass at that point, but somehow managed to catch myself enough on my injured arm to allow my working left leg to get under me so I could stand up. It was one of those really fast, but happening in slow motion, couldn't do it again if you tried kind of things.

So now I have strained muscles from pretty much my knuckles to my elbow...all from standing up.

Reverse ingestion of the canine variety

2010-04-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

I apologize to those of you with sensitive stomachs, if you're eating you may want to come back later. My dysfunction of the day has to do with dog puke. It totally skeeves me out. Why is this a dysfunction? Well, because I'm a mother of 3, I worked with toddlers and preschoolers as a career, and I spent a majority of my young years doing some sort of babysitting or other childcare. I'm not a germophobe in the least. Dirt, blood, snot, and other things coming from small human bodies really don't phase me much. I've changed a lot of diapers in my life...A LOT. I used cloth diapers on my daughter where you have no choice but to get rid of the poo instead of wrapping it up and forgetting about it like most do. I have a son who projectile vomitted entire feedings, several times a day, for months. Not that I enjoy cleaning any of these things up, quite the opposite, however they don't gross me out beyond belief. And don't forget I am a doula, birth is quite messy and that doesn't bother me in the least.

But the dog is another story. I know it's kinda the same thing, but yet, it is totally not the same thing. I hate finding dog puke...because that means I have to clean it up. Sometimes (just a few times, really) I've pretended I didn't see it and hope that my husband notices soon enough so that HE can clean it up. (And when he doesn't it really irritates me because then I have to.) When I'm forced to clean it myself I have to use 5 times the amount of paper towels necessary because I don't want any chance of it touching my skin. And even if none does I have to scrub my hands like I'm preparing for surgery. About 2 weeks ago I threw away a kids book that she had puked on because there was just no way to get it clean enough that it would be ok for anyone to ever touch it again.

This morning I was laid down on my bed after suddenly feeling overwhelmingly tired. K played in my room while I lay there in and out of sleep for about a half hour. Then I moved my foot and felt something wet. Um, WHAT IS THAT? I hoped as much as one can hope that someone left a wet towel on the bed, even though I had just been staring at the bed for a while folding clothes and putting them away and knew there was no chance of that. Grudgingly I get up and find under the blanket a wonderful gift from the dog. She refuses to jump on the bed by herself, so she must have done it sometime this morning after I got out of bed but before C got up. So now not only am I grossed out because my foot touched dog puke and I have to clean it up, but now I have even more laundry to do and I'm cursing my husband's ability to sleep like the dead.

For the record, I'm not a fan of what comes out the other end either. When I take her for a walk and have to clean THAT up, I feel dirty until I can get home and scrub my hands. If there is no trash nearby and I have to carry the bag for a long time, it really grosses me out. I should start carrying hand sanitizer.

I promise to try and make the next one something less disgusting.

I haven't disappeared

2010-04-12T15:04:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that I haven't posted in over 4 months, I am still around. What have I been up to? Taking the boys back and forth to school, keeping up with their homework, walking the dog, making dinner (or lunch, breakfast, whatever), laundry...just the usual stuff. I also decided to delve back into the doula world and re-took a training class and did a bunch of stuff to get my business back up and running. Although my initial excitement and forward momentum is pretty much gone. Last time I had some client contacts right away and it was easier to get started. This time I don't have that, and I have more work (and children) at home and less energy in me to get out of the house to do anything to help promote myself. So I'm struggling with myself over feeling like I finally know what I'd like to do with my life, but not having the self-confidence to actually do it.

Anyway...

I've been wanting to get back into blogging for a while now, but it just seems like any time I sit down to write a post I ~~am so bored by myself I fall asleep~~ get halfway through and think "this is just stupid, nobody will want to read that"...and so I hit delete.

Last week, though, I did have some inspiration that came to me via the Pioneer Woman, in this post of hers. It's about some products from a company called Knock, Knock. They have a journal that I LOVED the cover of, it's funny stuff. If you don't want to click on the link this is what it says ...

"A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they're all in mind-numbing denial."

I decided that their cover description was so perfect I'm going to attempt to post a "Daily Dysfuntion". I may even order the journal to get some more inspiration from the quotes and whatnot. I'll start tomorrow, because my daily dysfuntion for ~~pretty much everyday~~ today is - procrastination! I may not be good at many things, but I am an expert at procrastinating!

Happy 2010! It's that time again...

2010-01-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

You know what time...when I sit here and write out a long, rambling post about goals (but not resolutions, gave up on that a few years ago) for the new year. What I want to accomplish and in which ways it's not likely to happen.

But, I'm not gonna do it this year. Not because I utterly fail every year. In fact, I did accomplish some of the things on my list last year, to some extent. Then again, I purposely set my expectations low so that if I did anything at all I would have met my resolution. (So technically I was a total non-resolution rock star last year.)

This year I'm not doing it because frankly I'm not feeling inspired. At all. Its always the same thing, ya know, every. dang. year. Lose weight, keep my house cleaner, ignore my kids less, blah, blah, blah. It's never anything new and I'm totally bored with the same old thing.

So next January I can sit back and see that I've accomplished nothing....and I won't have to care, not one little bit!!!

It smells like Christmas!

2009-12-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

It can be hard to get into the spirit of the holidays here in southern California, especially after having lived the majority of my life in places where it gets cold and snows. You know the chance that the snowball has in...well, you know where. Its got about the same amount of chance here in "Sunny San Diego". We can dream of a rainy Christmas, although that is nearly as unlikely, but there certainly will be no WHITE Christmas. (Yeah we could drive out to the mountains, but its not the same.)

BUT...Mrs. Meyer is helping make that seem like no big deal this year. No, not THAT Mrs. Meyer...the one that makes these super yummy smelling aromatherapeutic cleaning products.

I discovered the Lemon Verbena dish soap a while back and I fell in love. Now you all KNOW it has got to be good if I am in love with a cleaning product. I loved how much it smelled so much that I ran right out and bought the Lemon Verbena countertop spray.

I didn't even know they made other smells, I'd only seen the one, until on a trip to Target several weeks ago I came across this lovely little wonder...the Iowa Pine fragrance!!!!! Being an Iowa native, of course I loved that it was their pine trees that inspired this and not somewhere like, I dunno, Vermont or something (that's state name #4 in this post, in case anyone was keeping track). But what totally sold me was the heavenly pine scent, so...so...Christmas tree-ish! Its like being in a forest surrounded by snow-tipped pine trees.

I have saved it for this time of the year and finally broke it out this week. So now even it if doesn't look like Christmas outside, it definitely smells like it inside!!!

Bob Harper is an evil man

2009-11-13T13:29:00.001-08:00

I doubt its a big surprise to anyone that, despite good intentions, I never went back to the 30 Day Shred. The thought of Jillian Michaels making me want to die was just too much and I haven't been brave enough to tough it out again. That and I've had way too many flare-ups with my back this year.

A fellow 30 Day Shred dropout (any others of you out there, its ok to admit it, we can form a support group) mentioned that she had done one of Bob's workouts and liked it much better. I searched through my Exercise TV On Demand and found Bob's CardioMax, a level 1 (whatever that means), 20 minute cardio workout. I watched it through and it didn't seem too bad. Bob seemed nice, saying things like 'If you can't do it all don't worry, just keep moving, you'll get there." The people were Biggest Loser contestants and not skinny people who you want to hate. Awesome I thought, something motivating instead of intimidating.

So yesterday I decide to go for it and do the workout. It definitely got my heart rate up and I was sweating. I felt like I had definitely worked, but not so much so that I was begging for my life before it was over. "I'm liking Bob," I was thinking.

Today...not so much. Behind the smiles and words of encouragement lies an instrument of torture. He tries to make you feel good, all the while stabbing a knife in your muscles and twisting it, over and over again. I am SORE. After only 20 minutes and thinking like it wasn't the hardest workout I'd ever done, I HURT. My gluteus has pain to the maximus. The outside of my hips from my waist to the tops of my thighs are tender. Every time I have to sit down I cringe. Climbing the stairs is near agony.

I wonder if all the Biggest Loser contestants leave the show addicted to prescription pain pills, if I hurt this much after 20 minutes, can you imagine doing it for hours, every day?

What happened to Thanksgiving?

2009-11-11T16:32:00.001-08:00

I thought it was the holiday that came in between Halloween and Christmas. The time when decorations changed from pumpkins and bats to turkeys and cornucopias. We all think about the things we are thankful for in our lives. You remember Thanksgiving, don't you?

Go into any retail establishment however, and it seems that Christmas is already upon us. Within days, some places hours, the Halloween adornments completely disappeared. And instead of those turkeys and cornucopias...snowflakes and lighted trees. The only vague reminders of T-day are the endcaps with displays of canned pumpkin and pie crusts. I've looked and looked through several places lately, from Target to grocery stores...and hardly any hint of Thanksgiving can be found. I even saw a Starbuck's yesterday, they are no longer advertising their Pumpkin Spice Latte...its all about the Peppermint Mocha's and Gingerbread Latte's.

Thanksgiving was always one of my favorite holidays, still is even though its just our lonely little family. It doesn't get much better than great food and spending time with the people you love, even if they may drive you insane. But the whole buy, buy, buy, more, more, more mindset seems to be edging Thanksgiving out sooner and sooner each year. Its bad enough the stores start stocking Christmas decorations in August and play holiday music the day after Halloween, do they really need to abandon an entire holiday?

Gone, but not forgotten...

2009-10-16T13:35:00.001-07:00

That is I have been gone, but you, my few and valued, readers have not been forgotten.

Not long after the last time I posted we decided that we were going to move to a house a block away. So I morphed into a being that I did not recognize and didn't particularly like...a being that cleaned and dusted and organized almost every spare minute she could. The house was clean, which was a nice change, but I was either totally exhausted or totally on edge all the time.

But I had a mission, a mission to make this move be the easiest we'd ever had (excepting the last one where I didn't have to pack or lift a thing). I'll just say, I really, really, really miss not having to pack or lift a thing!!

Of course, my life isn't as easy or as pretty as my mental fantasies, and so the move did not go as planned. Not even close. What wasn't supposed to be a huge deal, became an utterly disorganized mess. This was due to circumstances beyond my control...and in the control of my 8 year old who ran through the glass patio door at the new house. He was mostly fine (spent 3 hours in urgent care and got 5 stitches), but glass door was anything but.

It took 5 more days of hauling crap out and cleaning to get the old house in tip-top shape. Er, as tip-top as that place can be, hence the reason we moved out. It was annoying work considering the place was filthy when we moved in. But, with a new piece of glass to pay for we need every cent of our deposit back that we can get.

And now I have laundry baskets and reusable shopping bags full of random stuff laying everywhere here in our new house. I have no idea where anything is and I have to close my eyes when walking through the garage because the sheer chaos in there just about gives me hives.

So as you can see I've had very little time to sit down and think about a blog post. And really, the only things going on was cleaning and more cleaning, and I didn't want to frighten you all or make you think there was an invasion of the body snatchers around here. (HA! Like anyone would want mine!!)

I can make no promises about when I will post again, but I shall be back some day. I hope that everything will get put in its place and I can come back someday...

Do you have a business?

2009-09-03T10:17:00.001-07:00

Then you should think about donating an item to this GREAT cause!! It will help them and it will help you, check it out!!

Miracle Diapers Holiday Fundraiser

Recipe of the week!

2009-08-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

Not that I'll actually remember to post a recipe every week, or that I even know enough good ones to last more than a month, but its at least something to strive for.

This doesn't really have a name. C calls it "Tuscan sausage" or something like that, not really sure why. I think I got it from Jenni-O, LOL. Its really good, something we've made now and then for several years now. My kids all love it and its super easy to make...which makes it a great family meal!

1 package penne pasta (I use whole wheat)
4-5 links sweet italian turkey sausage (you could also use the spicy italian turkey sausage if you're so inclined)
sliced black olives, however many looks good to you
1 can diced tomatoes w/ italian seasonings (not drained)
1 jar alfredo sauce

Cook pasta according to directions on package, drain.
Slice sausage links into bite size pieces and cook in frying pan.
Mix pasta, sausage, black olives, tomatoes, and alfredo sauce together.

Eat!

I don't think we've ever done this, but it would go great with some garlic bread!

Yummy recipe that you have to make!

2009-08-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

This recipe came from Kaysvillemomma's blog, I've made a couple adjustments to make it a bit healthier. It has been a HUGE HIT at our house!! I made it for the second time last night and R kept telling me that I made really good food. And if you know my son, that right there says everything!! This is a must make recipe!! So, go right now and buy the ingredients, its super good and your family will love you!!

Crock Pot Pizza

1 bag of whole wheat egg noodles
1 lb ground turkey
2 jars pizza sauce
16 oz shredded mozzarella cheese
1 can low fat/reduced sodium cream of mushroom soup
Pizza ingredients (I used black olives, mushrooms, and pepperoni...but you can use what you like, or experiment with different ingredients every time!)

Cook egg noodles according to the package.
Brown the ground turkey.
Spray slow cooker with oil/non-stick spray.
Place ingredients in the slow cooker making layers in the following order - 1/2 of the egg noodles, 1/2 the ground turkey, 1 jar pizza sauce, 1/2 can cream of mushroom soup, pepperoni, olives, mushrooms (or whatever you chose), 1/2 of shredded mozzarella.
Then repeat making a second layer.
Cook on low for 4-5 hours.
Eat and love it!

So I survived...

2009-08-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

I made it through the interview and it, of course, wasn't nearly as stressful as I made it out to be. What it was, was weird. It was in groups, there were about 12 applicants in the room. One lady asked questions, one listened and wrote things down. They asked us all 4 questions and we went around the room anwering them. Now I know I haven't interviewed for anything in a really long time, and never for a place needing an entire store's worth of employees at once...but I've never heard of such a thing before tonight.

I'm not totally sure how they could determine which people they want to hire that way. You can't tell much about a person when they spend no more than 5 minutes talking to you, and many just repeated what others had said. I was especially confuzzled about the merits of this method after they said they had interviewed over 1,000 people and were filling 125 positions. As soon as she said that I was like, ok, thank you, I'll be leaving now.

Oh well. I'm not feeling hopeful, but I also don't feel like I bombed either. Who knows. If I am meant to get this job, I will get it. And, regardless, all was not a total loss...I got to go shopping *by myself* and got a new outfit out of the experience!!

What have I done???

2009-08-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

I've thought about getting a job here and there in the past, usually when C is harping on me about how he's convinced we're going to end up living out of our car. But, I think deep down I never really had any intention of going out and finding one. Well, obviously I didn't since, well, I still don't have a job.

I mean, why in the world would I want to purposely add MORE work to the constant stream of crap I already have to do??? That would be insane, right? The laundry, and dishes, and bathrooms, and meals that need to be made all the time, and stuff just, everywhere, that needs to constantly be put away, vacuuming, throw in homework and school stuff for the majority of the year...and that doesn't even come close to desribing everything that encompasses a stay at home mom/maid does. Job, pfffft, I am SO not getting any stinking job!!

Well...for some reason lately I've actually been thinking about it more and more. All on my own even, not pressured by the thought of calling a cardboard box my bedroom. So I was talking to a dad at the boys baseball game yesterday. He was saying his wife was applying at a new Kohl's store that is opening up near here in the fall. And I thought...hey, yeah, I worked at Kohl's ages and years ago, I should totally go for that job!!

Somehow this morning I found myself looking up the website, printing out an application, and setting a time for an interview...EEEEEK!!!

And as soon as I hit the confirm button I thought...WHY did I do that?!?! It's not like they are going to hire me, aside from a brief stint at Curves I haven't worked in YEARS. They want 4 professional references...I'm certain just about anyone I ever worked for no longer works at that place or even remembers who I am. I have no clothes appropriate for an interview, or for working in a retail environment for that matter IF somehow I managed to get hired...and I mean seriously, none, zero, zip, zilch. I haven't had an interview in soooooo long, I'm surely to sound like a complete idiot. I can only work weekends, stores want people who can work all the time. I'm fat, nobody likes fat people. I hate rejection, I can't handle rejection, it makes me feel even more like crap than I do on a regular basis. OMG!!!

All of that went through my head in about the span of 15 seconds.

Why am I freaking out? I have no clue. Its totally irrational and stupid. I mean, its not like I even HAVE to go, right? I should go. I should at least make an attempt to get out of the house and make a little bit of money. And if I already know they are going to hate me then it won't really be a disappointment when I don't get hired, right?

See...this is why I never tried to find a job before, its just too much for my poor mind to handle.

I think he's doing it on purpose...

2009-08-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

As much as I despise summer break, I almost equally despise making lunches for my children every day. Not enough to wish that they didn't have school mind you, but it definitely is near the top of my list of things I'd rather not have to do. I have a hard enough time coming up with ideas for meals to eat each night for dinner, you think I really have brain cells to spare for lunch menus???

All last year E brought his lunch to school, mostly because I was too lazy to figure out the lunch system after they started at the new school. I was annoyed almost every morning trying to come up with things to give him, he might not have cared much about eating the same thing all the time, but I was irritated making the same things. There were times he asked if he could buy lunch, but I always had some reason for not figuring it out, which, thinking back on it, was really dumb on my part.

With the new school year coming upon us I thought, hmmm...maybe he can just buy lunch this year. He liked buying lunch in 1st grade at the old school a couple times a week, he'll certainly think this is a GREAT idea!!! I checked it out, lunches only cost $2 each, that's really not bad, and adding in the reduced work for me, totally worth it...I think its a great idea!

So I asked him and he seemed unsure. I told him he could have time to think about it. Of course I'm thinking this is a no brainer, right? Well a day passes and he comes to tell me he's decided...he doesn't want to buy lunch, he wants to keep bringing it from home.

Gah! Seriously???

You think if I make him peanut butter & jelly EVERY DAY he'll get sick of it and change his mind? Wait, no, that won't work, he LIKES pb&j.... Ooh, I know, tuna sandwiches! That should do the trick!

Oh, and lest you think I'm starving my other child...R doesn't actually eat lunch at school, well, he eats like 4-5 bites, literally, and only because we have people watching him to insure that he does so. So him buying would just be a total waste of money...so I'll just have to be annoyed about packing his lunch until a miracle occurs.

Have you heard of this show?

2009-07-30T12:40:00.001-07:00

There's a reality tv show on Oxygen that's like the illegitimate love child of The Biggest Loser and Dancing With The Stars. Its called...get this...Dance Your A$$ Off. Overweight contestants are paired with a professional dancer and must do a dance routine every week. They also workout with a trainer and are changing their diets. They perform and are judged by 3 judges. Their average score is added to their percentage of weight loss and the lowest person is kicked off each week.

I don't know what I really think about it. On hand I think its great that they are showing that fat people can shake their thang and be just as sexy as anyone else, and they are losing fairly normal amounts of weight each week. But I dunno...I mean, they had a pole dancing week. I'm no prude, but I'm not sure I really want to see that regardless if you're a size 2 or 32.

I have to hand it to those contestants though, it looks like a really fun way to lose weight, but I don't think I'd have the guts to do it...not in front of other people anyway, LOL!

Why do women wear bikinis?

2009-07-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know why *I* don't wear them, but that's pretty obvious I think.

Today I took the kids to the beach and while there I happened to notice that 95% of the women there were wearing a bikini, from the very young up to those on the verge of "old"...all wearing bikinis. Honestly I'm fairly certain the only females that I saw that were not wearing them were either a) wearing regular clothes/no swim wear at all, or b) were of the slightly chubbier variety and probably wished they'd make suits that covered from the neck to the knees.

I found this quite odd. I started thinking about how many times I've heard women complain about swim suit shopping and not being able to find one that fits or one that covers up the right spots. I thought about all the women I've heard complain about and agonize over a bit of belly flab or their flappy upper arms or jiggly thighs or their *gasp* 5 extra pounds. We're a society so obsessed with our physical flaws...and yet here are all these women putting them all on display.

But why? I find it improbable that all those women I saw were totally and completely accepting of their bodies. In fact, a girl next to me who couldn't have been older than 12 or 13 and had a perfectly slender/healthy looking body was describing to her 2 friends that she was in fact sucking her stomach in and went about showing them what it looked like when she didn't.

I'm not saying that women shouldn't wear bikinis, if you've got it (physically, mentally, or both)...flaunt it baby! And if its something that makes you feel good about yourself or your body, then more power to you! I'm also not saying that they should only be for the super skinny, if you have the body confidence for it then I see no problem with that.

The things that makes me curious though, is that I just know so many of those ladies out there had to be cringing internally over their butts hanging out or thought they needed to suck in their stomach so much they could hardly breathe. Not to mention the fact that they spend a significant amount of time wearing something to cover up their bikini. So why put yourself through misery? Why not stick to a more forgiving and covering one piece model?

Maybe I have a hard time grasping this because we fat folk tend to avoid swim wear as much as possible. We have no desire to show off our physical flaws in small pieces of spandex. No matter how much we know that those itty bitty things are 200% more stylish than our butt and thigh covering muu-muu's, our piece of mind and self-confidence are worth a bit more than style.

Is this a southern California phenomenon? Maybe women in other areas around the country are not as interested in baring so much of the skin they are not thrilled with.

So ladies, I want to hear it. If you wear a bikini I want to know why. Do you have a rockin' bod and want to show it off? Is it the one piece of clothing that makes you feel sexy? Because all your friends are wearing one? You have a secret obsession with tan lines? Deep down you know that all those things you *think* are wrong with your body don't make one bit of difference to anyone else in the world?

No I haven't fallen off the face of the earth

2009-06-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

I sit down every once in a while and try to come up with something to write about, but nothing has been coming. And I've also been trying to spend less time on the computer. How's that working for me you ask... Well, on one hand I only spend a few minutes a day on the 2 forums that I've been a part of for a while. But, on the other, I have been spending a lot more time on
Facebook. (I'd like to publicly apologize to all my "friends" for the amount of stupid quizzes I take, I'm easily amused, and they are kinda like my own personal internet nicotine patches. Maybe I can't spend hours reading posts, but I can take a quiz or two...or four to help me get by.)

I also blame Farm Town for my increased Facebook time. Don't know what it is about that game that sucks you in so much. Seriously, all you really do is click the mouse button over and over again. You have to wonder just how much clicking to plow and clicking to plant and clicking to harvest can a person take? A lot apparently. And then there are all the Farm Town wannabe's out there. They try, but they just don't measure up. But, sometimes it scratches the itch while you're waiting for your Farm Town crops to be ready to harvest.

My faith in the American people has been restored...

2009-05-20T22:23:00.001-07:00

Congratulations Kris Allen!!!!

And so it ends...

2009-05-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

Last night was the American Idol finale (and DWTS, although I haven't talked about that, WTG Shawn!!)

So I'll start with Adam. The whole night feel weird to me for him. He sang "Mad World" well, but it was almost too much with the theatrics. I thought it was a strange choice for him for the finale. And "A Change Is Coming" really didn't do anything for me. Even though I do like his softer side better, that just didn't seem like an *Adam* song. The "No Boundaries" thing...well that was just a train wreck.

Kris did amazing on his first two songs. They were totally *Kris*. I didn't think "What's Going On" was too light, he did it in his way and it was great. Besides, he didn't pick the song, so I didn't think it was really fair of the judges to criticize that. The last song, ugh. He definitely did more justice to it than Adam, but really the song was not good for either of them. Not good at all.

Of course, you know who I want to win. I'm really hoping that all the Danny fans out there are going to throw their support to Kris since Danny's a lot more similar to Kris than Adam.

And 10 years ago today...

2009-05-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

I got married. Hard to believe its been that long, makes me feel old. Makes me feel even older to think that we've been together for 13.5 years (well, the first year was long distance, but still...) That's just a couple years short of half our lives. What makes me feel even older than THAT is that the way we met (online) was thought of as super weird back then, and now its a common and even normal way to meet people and has been for a while. Ah the times, they are a-changin'.

Happy Anniversary baby!

The birthday boy...

2009-05-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to post a pic of the 7 year old today...

Oh, and the mommy guilt in me feels the need to point out I realize I did not post a pic of my oldest son, E, on his birthday at the end of February. But he's had this obsession with licking his lips for months on end and has looked literally like a clown in pictures for ages now, so I just couldn't bring myself to post one. He stopped, briefly, recently and darn it all, I forgot to take a pic. *sigh*

7 years ago today...

2009-05-14T10:40:00.001-07:00

...my life would change in ways I never expected would happen to me, ever. In ways that only happen to "other people" of course, those poor "other people" that I don't know how they even get up in the morning. Only I didn't know it was going to change that drastically for 3 more days. Fate gave me a 3 day reprieve before it sent my world spinning onto a completely different course.

7 years ago today my second child, R, was born. He came fast and furiously into the world. He wouldn't wait for the hospital nurses and their annoying iv's and constant badgering about epidurals that I didn't want. He barely even waited for my doctor to arrive. He had beautiful skin and the chubbiest cheeks, red hair and long fingers. He looked and seemed absolutely perfect.

Only, he wasn't perfect. 3 days from then we would find out he had a very severe heart defect, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. For all intents and purposes he had half a heart. The half that pumps blood to the body was too small to be of any use. Since then he's gone through 3 open heart surgeries, 2 abdominal surgeries, several cardiac catheterizations, feeding tubes, eating struggles, and whole bunch of other random things thrown in there. All of that with a resilience and grace that many adults do not possess. Not that its always been smooth sailing, quite the opposite in fact. Because in addition to that resilience and grace he possesses a stubborness and determination in his one little body that could rival an entire stadium full of people.

He's not so fast anymore, he's definitely still furious, and he still captures the heart of almost everyone he meets. Something about his smile and the shy way about him (when he's actually behaving like a child instead of a demon) just pulls people in. He is really an unforgetable child, in so many ways.

I'm not sure what kind of person or what kind of mother I'd be had he been born "normal". But at least now I know how those "other people", how "my people", get up in the morning.

Happy 7th Birthday R!!!

Tuesday TV

2009-05-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

So it was apparently the older generations year this Biggest Loser season. Jerry's success is nothing short of amazing, Ron is but a shadow of his former self, and Helen took the big prize. Tara and Mike, of course, also had stunning results. It was a tight competition, they all came in so close to the same percentage of weight loss, so congrats to them all!

Overall the rest of the contestants did super well, so many of them lost well over 100 lbs, and mostly on their own too, so wow! I hate to say that there were a couple of people who disappointed me. I hate to say it because of all people I know how truly difficult it is and I don't want to be hypocritical....but, they did have an opportunity and resources given to them that most people will never get and they really didn't take advantage of that. But, at the same time, I think its good to show that losing that much weight isn't a race for a prize, in the real world you don't have to do it all in just a few months in order to be successful. Hopefully their slower rate of loss will lead to real, long-term results.

And so, another season of Biggest Loser is over...and, yet again, here I am exactly where I was when it started. What can I say other than I suck...still. Someday though, someday...

And then we have American Idol...

For the first time ever I just do not have a favorite to root for. I have enjoyed both Danny and Kris the entire season. I really like their voices and their performances. I don't think I could choose between the two of them. I thought they both did really great last night and it makes me sad that one of them has to go.

It makes me sad because there's Adam. Adam, Adam, Adam... I will not deny that the guy can really sing. I will not deny that he can really perform. He is definitely great at what he does. But he was back to his screeching last night and I just do not enjoy that. Seriously, just because you CAN hit a note doesn't mean you should do it quite SO often. I think my ears were "Crying." The other 2 get up there and they are themselves and they just sing, Adam gets up there every time and puts on an act, and it just...I don't know, is feeling really insincere to me. I'm not discrediting his talent, like I've said before he'd be stellar on Broadway, BUT this show is looking for a recording star. At least, that's what it used to be about.

Of course, the judges picked him for the winner from the very beginning. It doesn't matter what anyone else could have done the entire season. They've always chosen their comments in such a way to influence voters, and that has been no more blatantly obvious than it has this season. I'm not quite sure why they wasted so much time giving feedback to the others when really all they were thinking was "That's nice, but you're not Adam." They want him and they will do and say anything to make that happen.

For once I'm not real sad that this show is coming to an end. Despite some great singers, this year has been pretty boring and disappointing. Its been not so much "American Idol" as its been "The Adam Lambert Show". As much as I'd like to hope for a miracle from the voters and have it be a Danny vs Kris finale, there is very little chance that's going to happen. And so there will be no surprise next week, no nail-biting, no sitting on the edge of your seat wondering who will be crowned the victor, no cursing Ryan Seacrest for going to commercial at a pivotal moment. There may be some potential for entertainment watching Adam screech out one of those sappy, feel good, this is the first moment of the rest of my life finale songs...or, maybe not.

Want a laugh at my expense?

2009-05-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

I didn't make it to the grocery store yesterday morning. (No, that's not the funny part.) I avoid taking all 3 children with me like the plague, so I didn't attempt an after school trip. So that meant I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel when it came to dinner last night.

Some friends of ours had moved and gave us some of the food left in their kitchen. I had these 2 cans of salmon sitting there that I had yet to do anything with. I'd never actually used canned salmon, I usually consume my salmon in the fillet form. I could only think of one thing to make with it, salmon patties, and I knew C might not be a huge fan. I have eaten canned salmon before, but only that which someone else has completely prepared...out of my line of vision. But I didn't have enough of anything else to make an entire meal out of, so I figured what the heck.

So I search around to find a way to make them without eggs because I was out. Find a way using mayo. Sounds gross, but I'm already being adventurous here, so lets just go all the way. All the recipes say to debone the salmon. I vaguely wondered how that would work, was slightly grossed out by the fact that there were bones in the can, and then figured it must not be too big of a deal since all the recipes said to take out the bones.

Then I opened the can. Please tell me that this is a secret joke that the world plays on unsuspecting canned salmon virgins, because I'm fairly certain I have ever seen anything THAT disgusting in my life. I just about threw it away and called C begging him to bring home food. But we had eaten out more times than we should have over the weekend and I was determined not to be a total wuss. I picked my way through the can discarding as much of the bones and skin as I could, along with any part of it that was just too gross looking for me to even imagine eating. I think I probably ended up with half the can in my bowl and the other half I threw away. It was so gross I couldn't even bring myself to feed it to the dog.

As a side note: I never used to eat chicken off a bone because to me that was super disgusting. I tend to like my food to NOT look anything like it did before it died. I have gotten better about it and will eat some off a bone, but the idea still skeeves me out quite a bit. This canned salmon...SO much worse, so, so, so, SO much worse.

Well crap, half a can of salmon is not going to feed my family, so I was going to HAVE to open the other can. I figured that there was just no way any company would sell canned salmon if it was really THAT difficult and THAT gross, there had to be a better way. So I set about to Google-fu myself something, anything, that might salvage the meal.

And lo and behold...you don't have to take the bones out! They are very soft and a good source of calcium, woo hoo!! Ok, that's great and all, but that still leaves the skin and the backbone part for me to dig out. Somehow the second can didn't look *quite* so disgusting as the first, but that really isn't saying much. Overall that can went much more smoothly and I ended up with less than half in the trash.

At least they didn't turn out horribly. They weren't great or anything, my kids liked them, and I guess that's all that matters. I told C he might want to pick himself up something to eat on the way home, just in case. I think they may have been better with an egg, not that I will test that hypothesis because you'd have to pay me a lot of money to open another can of salmon. And you'll never again hear me complain about the cost of fresh salmon because it is most definitely worth it!

Tuesday TV recap

2009-05-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

Since I'm late, I had to change my title so people don't feel the need to remind me that it is in fact Thursday.

American Idol - Well my stupid, piece of #$%^& dvr again did not record, but I was able to catch it pretty early. I only missed Adam's performance. But I suspect that considering it was Rock night it would not have been one of his that I particularly liked anyway. I thought Allison and Kris did good, I wasn't blown away, but solid performances. But my boy Danny, I'm not sure what was up with him. In his duet with Kris he just looked like he wasn't there, he just didn't have the connection, he almost looked bored, or petrified, not sure which. He still sang well, but something was missing. And then his solo performance...I can forgive everything but the end, that was truly frightening. I was a bit scared for his fate and hoped the voting would reflect everything he's done so far and not just that night.

So then on Wednesday Allison was sent packing. As good as she is, I really think she was the right one to go. She can sing, but I think she just needs a bit *more* before she's really winner material. I have thought all along that Adam, Danny, and Kris should be the top 3...and they are, woo hoo!!

Biggest Loser - A marathon? A freaking marathon?? OMG, I can't believe that they had to do that. And its even more unbelievable that they all did it!! Wow, color me impressed! Seeing Ron cross that finish line with everyone there to support him and cheer him on as he did it was truly, truly inspiring.

So Tara and Helen made it to the finals. Good for them, they have both definitely worked extremely hard and their transformations are amazing. And the third finalist comes down to Mike or Ron. Gosh, what a tough choice! Both have done amazingly well and both are so deserving. In the end, they've both changed their lives dramatically for the better and that is what really matters.

I hope that Mike makes it and that he wins the whole thing, can't wait until next week!

I am an Ant Bully

2009-05-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

We used to live in places where ants were a huge problem. We'd have ants traversing our entire living room so they could get from the door to the kitchen. I was the Queen of Raid. I took great joy in watching them die instantly. The more unconventional method of their death, the more entertainment value it held for me.

I know, its terrible, I admit that. I can't help myself, its who I am.

The last place we lived, while it had many, many, MANY flaws...the one thing it did have going for it was regular pest control. I never had an ant problem in the 3 years we lived there. Or maybe the ants in Orange County are just smarter than the ones in San Diego and they knew not to come in my house.

But now, I'm back to being tormented by ants. They invaded my kitchen about 2 weeks ago. I tried to play nice, I really did. I didn't really want to spray pesticides in my house anymore. So I put out Terro ant baits and waited for them to take it back to the nest and die. It worked within a couple days on some that came in by a window a while back. But these...kitchen ants...well they never stopped their endless searching over my counters. Their numbers reduced, but always carrying on. I cursed them (and squished them, or drowned them) daily.

But a couple days ago their numbers increased again and I just had enough. I cannot play nice anymore, I just can NOT do it. So I asked C to bring me home some Raid yesterday.

Whilst I waited for the poison d'jour I was making dinner. And do you know that ants do not like stove burners? Well maybe they don't know that they don't like them, but they shouldn't. How did I come to this knowledge? You see, one was crawling on my stove, as it got closer to the burner where I was boiling pasta it started to shudder and then it just shriveled up and was dead.

That? Was freaking awesome!! So I picked up his friend who was nearby and threw him down on the stove. And again, he crawled around, began to wriggle and writhe, and then was no more. I was so tempted to gather up more of their comrades and watch them fall one by one...but the idea of a bunch of dead ants on my stove while I was cooking grossed me out just a bit too much. Lucky for them.

Today I covered the hole they were coming in with Raid. And again I watched them shrivel and die and my spirit soared. I've yet to clean up the corpses. I'm leaving them as a warning to any survivors that they should be afraid, very afraid.

The Queen of Raid is back!

When does the energy kick in?

2009-05-01T12:01:00.001-07:00

Isn't one of the benefits of exercise supposed to be you sleep better and have more energy?? I thought so.

I need it. I need it now.

I've been working out several days a week for the past few weeks, getting back into the groove, I've done even more this week than before. And yet, I have been awake until midnight (not for any particular reason, just haven't felt tired enough to go to bed) and have been waking up around 6:30 almost every morning.

I just can't handle that little sleep. My body and brain know I can't handle that little sleep, so I don't get it.

I've made a pot of coffee every day this week. I am not a regular coffee drinker, so that's a big thing. (And I'm only drinking it in the morning...so that's not what is affecting my sleep.)

Somehow I have to clean my entire kitchen, get another workout in, shower, pick up my boys from school, hound them to finish the stuff they are supposed to clean, get to a store to get more pull ups for my daughter, and clean up every room in the house AGAIN after that same hurricane girl plows through them.

All before 6:00 when the babysitter is coming. All without falling dead asleep while standing up.

So, you hear that energy??? You need to get in gear, and soon!

Creepy Crawlies

2009-04-30T16:40:00.000-07:00

One thing I've always been squeamish about is spiders. I hate them. They freak me out. It used to be that I'd never ever come close to touching one no matter what. Of course I grew up and realized I had to be more mature about it and would kill them if I found them...the little ones anyway. The big ones...forget about it. I'd rather leave my house and all my posessions behind. As any respectable spider hater I am especially freaked out about the idea of black widow spiders. Until today I'd only ever heard about them and seen pictures. But now my life is changed.

R came running to me saying there was a spider in their outdoor toy box and I had to go look at it. I really didn't want to go look at it. I was about to just tell him to ignore it and stay out of the box...but at the last second I decided I'd humor him and check it out.

And there is was. A big, black spider. Ewwww, just kill me now, how the heck am I going to kill THAT?!?! But then I noticed something, and I looked closer...oh crap, seriously kill me because that thing is no ordinary spider, there's a freaking red hourglass shape on it!

Of course I can hide my freaking out even though I really want to run far, far away...but R is now freaking out (what the heck do they teach kids about spiders in 1st grade anyway???) and there's just no getting around it, we have to do *something* about it.

I immediately decide the best course of action is to call my husband and tell him he needs to come home NOW to kill the damn thing.

Thankfully he misunderstood me and thought it was in the house, because he DID come home right away and he did kill it for me despite it actually being outside. Aww, he's such a great guy!!

Tuesday TV

2009-04-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

I've missed a couple weeks of commenting on my Tuesday night shows, but they are nearing the end now, so its more exciting anyway.

First, American Idol. I missed Kris, Allison, Matt, and half of Danny's performances because of my stupid dvr. So, I can't really comment much on them. What I heard of Danny was great. The other 3 didn't sound bad in the recap. Adam was of course amazing, the guy is definitely growing on me. But the thing about him is, he's just SO theatrical. I can see him becoming like THE most famous guy Broadway has ever seen. Its so much a part of him, from the look in his eyes to the way he moves on stage to the over the top screeching that he occasionally does. No matter how hard I try I just can't picture him making an album or hearing him on the radio, ya know. I really think the guy was born to be on the stage.

Now, Biggest Loser. Its really amazing at this stage of the show to see just how much they have all changed. They look nothing like the people that came in on the first day. I love the train the trainer episodes, its hilarious. Bob telling Filipe to shut up was priceless. Not that its *really* the same as when the tables are reversed, but it still fun to see Bob and Jill sweating and huffing. They all did so great this week losing so much weight, makes it hard to think any of them should have to go home. But, I've never been a huge fan of Filipe, so I'm not broken up about his departure or anything.

Baby steps

2009-04-17T18:04:00.000-07:00

I know I said I was sick of hearing myself talk about this...but I'm kinda bored and I'm avoiding the massive mess that's taken over my house.

So I just did my 3rd day in a row of cardio, woot! *happy dance*

Really its not MUCH to be excited about, I did the elliptical for 15 minutes on Wednesday, 17 minutes on Thursday, and 19 minutes today. But after not being able to do ANY exercise for over 2 weeks due to my back problem and then I got sick and wasn't feeling up to much, it had been 3 weeks since I'd moved much at all.

I knew I'd be miserable if I tried to jump right back to where I'd left off prior to my back getting hurt, AND I was still coughing a bunch...so I figured I had to start somewhere. Much to my surprise it wasn't that tough doing those 15 minutes and it felt really, really good.

I really have a love/hate relationship with the elliptical. Sometimes it feels great, like I'm running on air, and I could keep going and going...and I love it. And other times it feels like I'm running up a mountain where there is very little oxygen and my lungs want to burst out of my chest...and I hate every second of it.

Although I suppose I feel that way about pretty much every exercise. Sometimes its great, more often than not it sucks. Depending on what it is it either feels awesome or horribly painful when its done.

I always think about those poor people on the Biggest Loser. They have to be sore 100% of the time...for weeks...on end...never stopping...only getting worse. I'm sure I'd have a hate only relationship with exercise if I was on that show.

Anyway, hopefully this will be a start to slowly getting back on the workout wagon and nothing will get in the way of me staying there this time!

Active imagination or am I just nuts?

2009-04-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get woken up from a dream too early? At some pivotal point in the "story line" something (like your children who wouldn't sleep in to save their lives...) tears you away from your sleep and you're left feeling like "Woah, wait...WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!?!?!?"

I had one of those dreams last night. Its strange because I can't even really remember many specifics of the dream, just the overall story. Had something to do with me giving a piece of chocolate to my sister's brother in law (not my real sister, don't have one of those, just my dream sister) who had some crazy reaction to it and we thought he died but really his breathing and heart rate just slowed down so much it seemed like he was dead (you know, like in the movies) and his father and I tried to hide how he died, but then, well he just wasn't dead anymore. Right as he started moving and talking to us I was so rudely interrupted by my son so I never found out what really happened.

If you're me, you just can't let it go, you just have to know. You try to get back to sleep hoping that the dream will resume at that same exact moment, yet knowing that will never happen. So then you start making up things in your mind that you THINK happened, or should have happened. And you never really get back to sleep because that would interrupt your mind trying to re-create the dream. And then sometimes you go off on the wrong direction so you have to re-write those scenes and try again. Then even when you HAVE to get up and can't lay in bed letting your mind wander anymore...you still can't stop thinking about what was going to happen next. And so throughout the day you find moments when you imagine the story continuing, of course you have to try to hide it otherwise people will think you're just sitting there staring off into space...or worse, if you're not REALLY careful, talking to yourself.

Maybe I should write a book about it and become the obsession of millions. (That was a Twilight reference for anyone not into the obsession.)

Yeah, that would be a bad idea. The only thing I ever really wrote outside of assignments was some short stories about a guy named Wendall back in high school. It made absolutely no sense unless you were 15...nah, even then it was just totally random stupid stuff. A friend of mine even guest wrote a story including Wendall.

I wonder what happened to those, I know I kept them, maybe they are at my parents house. If I ever find them I'll post one, and then you'll see (as if this blog wasn't already a clue) that I wasn't meant to be an author.

Ok...I did it.

2009-04-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

I read them. I know, I know, I swore I wasn't going to. At least not until it didn't irritate me endlessly to see them everywhere and I stopped seeing my friends dropping like flies joining Team Edward. (This post is for you Corra, LOL!)

The opportunity arose for me to acquire them with no financial obligation (my irrational annoyance with them would have NEVER allowed me to pay money for them), so I figured I might as well, and I'd just wait for that day that I figured would take ages to come.

Then I hurt my back last week and for days on end I was completely useless. So what else was I going to do?? Well, read the entire Twilight series in 8 days, that's what I did. Anyone who hasn't read them and wants to may want to stop reading here, just in case I give anything away.

As I begun reading "Twilight" I was surprised to find that the story did keep me interested despite the very weak excuse for a plot, and so I kept going. Not the greatest book I'd ever read, but it was quick and easy and with my life I like quick and easy reads. Knowing the original target audience was young teenagers helped me forgive some of its flaws as well. Although...knowing the target audience also made some of the themes seem a bit inappropriate as well, but I decided I was just going to push that out of my mind and live in denial until my children are 30. There were things I just shook my head at and thought "what was she thinking?" Like the whole sparkly thing. But, whatever, its fiction right? "New Moon" and "Eclipse" felt much the same to me, I was compelled to keep reading despite the flaws.

I was able to understand the draw to Edward. Although I still don't get the obsession with him. I mean, he's a character, in a book... But yeah, who wouldn't be attracted to the fantasy of being loved so fiercely by someone so perfect in every way, who would die a horrible death for you every day of his life to keep you safe, someone who would go to the ends of the earth to make you happy, not to mention the whole physical aspect that I'm in denial about. But, its just that, a fantasy...and I did get bored at times with the constant "I love you's" and "I want to be with you forever's", it got very redundant. So, rest assured I will, as I predicted, NOT be shouting to the rooftops that I've joined Team Edward.

Then I got to "Breaking Dawn"... And somehow I could feel my thoughts changing. I'm not sure if it was because it was so different from the first three in that there was an actual resemblance of a plot and it was just structured differently, or if Ms. Meyer programmed hypnotic suggestions into the text. But I quite literally could NOT stop reading. It wasn't just that the story kept me interested enough to want to find out what happened next, it seemed vital to me that I know how everything turned out. In the logical part of my brain I knew that I should not be so enthralled in the story, it was JUST a book, and not even that amazing of one, but I couldn't help myself. It was like literary crack and nothing better stand in the way of me getting my fix. The kids would want stuff from me and in my head I was screaming "GO AWAY, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M READING!!!!" I had to tear myself away and then the only thing I could think about was how fast I could get back to it. During the times when I HAD to stop reading I could not stop thinking about it, it was overtaking my brain. It was the strangest sensation, I could feel my internal struggle over my sanity, and in the end sanity lost and I finished that one quicker than the first three even though its the longest.

I'm glad that Bella and Edward got their happy ending. And I suppose I can actually say I'm glad I read them.

And even more glad that I came out not having fallen into the rabid obsessed fan club wondering how they can con a sparkly vampire into taking out their husbands.

Tuesday TV

2009-04-01T12:42:00.001-07:00

Well nobody had any ideas for me, so we all will just get what we get, most likely in the form of useless blabbering.

So what better topic...reality tv.

Tuesday night is American Idol night, and The Biggest Loser night, gotta love it!

As much as I didn't like Adam Lambert at the start, especially after he desecrated that Johnny Cash song so exponentially...I must say he is growing on me a bit the last couple weeks. I still don't like his shrieking, but the guy really is talented.

My favorite of the night though, far and away, was Kris Allen. Wow, he was awesome!

Danny Gokey has been one of my top picks and I thought he definitely did justice to my boys last night. I wasn't expecting to love it being the Rascal Flatts fan that I am, but he really did a good job.

The rest of them, eh, they weren't horrible last night (well, aside from Megan who I think has always been horrible and needs to hang up the microphone) but nothing that really stood out as great. It is an interesting season.

Ok, so Biggest Loser. I'm kinda bummed for Nicole that she got sent home already, she was so happy to come back. It must have been a huge shock for her to gain 5 pounds. But, on the other hand she was so succesful on her own I know she'll be fine. Plus whatever she was doing at home was working, and whatever she did on the ranch was not!

I'm getting kinda annoyed with some of the contestants. Filipe for one, he's like a big whiny baby and Sione is like this dumb, oafy guy who'll go along with whatever Filipe says just because he's his cousin. And Tara, get a grip already, sheeesh.

I was surprised to see Allison Sweeney back so soon after having her baby. I wouldn't have been too thrilled to stand there through that weigh-in so soon after giving birth. Its fun to see her though, I feel like I've watched her grow up on tv, LOL. I watched her so young when she started on Days Of Our Lives when my grandma got me hooked on it, and now she's all grown up and a mother of 2.

Do you want to know what ELSE I'm sick of?

2009-03-26T10:15:00.001-07:00

Having such a totally boring life that I can't think of anything to write here for days on end. Maybe you've noticed my posts lately have really not had a lot of substance. I just got nothin'.

I can't post great recipes or food ideas like some people...because I have none and, well, I don't particularly enjoy cooking all that much (which might be because of my lack of great recipes or food ideas.)

I don't have any crafty talent like sewing or knitting or photography or some such to show off. Not that I'd have time to do anything even if I did have a talent.

I don't have any good cleaning or "going green" type of tips that you haven't already heard tons of other places.

I've got no job to talk about, complain about, rave about, etc.

My children aren't particular interesting, they spend most of their time screaming at me or fighting with each other...which doesn't make for the most upbeat blog topic and would probably make you think horrible things about me since I was not blessed with the skill set to deal with their beastly behavior productively.

There's the whole weight loss aspect that I've posted about numerous times in the past. But even I am sick of hearing myself talk about that. I'm sure you don't care a lot about how I'm fat and I've always been fat and apparently I always will be since I can't stick to any good habits for more than a week (at best.)

I do the same things practically every day, there's just nothing exciting or interesting going on. So I'm stuck. Is there such thing as bloggers block?

If anyone out there has any ideas, something you'd like to hear me talk about...let me have 'em!

Do you know what I'm sick of?

2009-03-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

Twilight. Yes, I realize to many of you that is probably blasphemous. But I would be happy to never see another book cover or another commercial for the dang dvd. I'm just so tired of seeing it EVERYWHERE!!

I don't know what it is. There have been many book and movie crazes and this is the only one that gets on my nerves. I have no desire to read them, no desire to see the movie, I just don't. The idea of them just irritates me. And its not like I have a thing against vampires or anything. There's just something...

The whole Team Edward thing is totally lost on me. Seriously, even if I did read them I can't imagine myself ever uttering those words. Is there even another "team"??

Maybe someday I'll give them a try, I dunno, but for now...I just want them to go away!

Yes I realize I haven't posted much lately and this is totally random, but I take no responsibility for the things that pop into my head, you get what you get (and you don't throw a fit.)

Are you smarter than a 2 year old?

2009-03-10T12:40:00.001-07:00

Apparently I am not. A week and a half ago K was playing with a small hand mirror of mine that I use practically daily when putting on my makeup. She also found my Tweezerman tweezers (my $20 Tweezerman tweezers, for anyone not familiar) and took those off with the mirror. She had been playing near the laundry baskets. I didn't see her go anywhere else with them.

The next day I can't find my mirror but don't really have time to search for it. A few days later I notice how terribly out of hand my eyebrows are getting and realize...now I can't find my tweezers. Ah, right, they were confiscated by a toddler. Well, they have to be around somewhere. I search in all the obvious areas that could be seen. Look in her room. Dig through ALL the laundry. Poke through the trash. Neither the tweezers or the mirror are to be found. The mirror I can live without, the mirror only cost a couple bucks, but I seriously don't want to lose $20 tweezers! (Don't bother to ask why I must have $20 tweezers, I just do, ok?)

Day after day goes by, still don't find them.

Yesterday I look in the way back of a bathroom drawer for something (a drawer that I get stuff out of EVERY DAY, this is important in a moment...) and literally as I'm shutting the drawer I spot something red out of the corner of my eye. Something red...oooh, oooh, its my tweezers! Finish shutting the drawer. Wait, what? My tweezers!! My tweezers are right here in the middle of the drawer, practically under my nose, I probably could have poked myself with them. Well then where the heck did my mirror go??? Surely that couldn't be so obviously in this drawer that I look in every day. And yet, I open the drawer and there it is, my mirror, sitting right next to the tweezers.

My not quite 2 1/2 year old daughter played with my stuff and then she...put it away.

Oy. What does that say about me that I wouldn't even think to look in the dang bathroom drawer???

Well, for one, it says I never put my own crap away. And, it definitely says that my 2 year old is smarter than me!

My new favorite song!

2009-02-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

There is a band that is brand new to the country music scene, so new that many people haven't heard of them yet. Their name is Gloriana and they are totally awesome!! From the first time I heard their song "Wild At Heart" I was hooked. I didn't know who sang it or anything about it, but I wanted to hear it again...and again and again and again. I wanted to share since I know some of you out there are country music fans.

Well I'm technologically challenged and can't seem to get the video link thing to work...so just click HERE!

Lucky me!

2009-02-26T09:03:00.000-08:00

So a couple days ago someone from Africa wanted to send me money. And today...well today I've won the amount of six hundred thousand pounds from Toyota!!

Although, I'm not entirely sure if that's pounds of money, or how much the vehicle they are going to give me weighs, or an excessive addition to my ass. Hmm, not sure I can take my chances on that last one, think I'll have to pass...

Will the real Amanda please stand up?

2009-02-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

I've come to the conclusion that I am an imposter. I might be able to fool people into thinking I'm a normal, everyday person...but really I'm not.

You see, I've been thinking a lot lately about where I've been and where I'd like to do with my life. And the truth is, I haven't got a clue. When I was a kid I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a doctor and that was all there was too it. I was smart and a hard worker and everyone around me knew it, seemed like all was meant to be. Obviously, it wasn't. Well then what??

Everything I've done since then just hasn't really worked out. I was a toddler/preschool teacher. I worked at Curves for Women for a short while. I tried being a doula. But the thing is, while I enjoyed doing those things while I was doing them, I felt like I didn't really belong. I felt like someone pretending to be a good teacher, masquerading as an exercise motivator/information giver, sounding like I knew a lot about birthing a baby...but really underneath it all I didn't know anything. I put on a good act, but I don't feel like I was really any good at any of those things.

Maybe my subconscious knows something I don't, maybe it knows that I wasn't meant to do any of those things and its just waiting for the right thing to come along. Or maybe my early years of being "the smart kid" were just a tease and I am truly meant to be mediocre at everything I do.

That seems more likely, because really I'm not very good at anything I do anymore, and haven't been for a long time now.

I'm a mom. Ok, so I don't totally suck at it, my kids are not physically abused or locked up in a closet or anything. I do feed them and bathe them (sometimes) and clothe them and let them live when they are really irritating me, but I'm definitely not good at it. I definitely don't live up to the expectations I had of myself prior to having children. See, I ignore my kids way too much. I yell way too much. I let them entertain themselves instead of finding fun and interesting activities for us to do. I say no way too often just because saying yes would mean stopping whatever it is I am doing and that annoys me. I'm irritated by them more often than I enjoy being with them. I could go on and on...

I'm a wife. I don't do too well with this role either. The explaination for this could go on forever too, but basically it comes down to me having too little patience and too much selfishness.

I'm a housekeeper. Uh, I don't think I really need to explain this further. Regular readers will know that I actually DO suck at that. Sure I could be worse, but I'm not too far from the bottom.

And that's pretty much all I am. There's a whole list of things that I am NOT (including but not limited to...I don't have friends, hobbies, or a job) and by virtue of not having them, I am not good at them either.

Oooh, wait, I just thought of something I'm good at. Actually, this is something I'm great at...I'm great at being fat! Of course that's how it would go, me being good at something that totally sucks.

Where does one go from here? How do you get to be the age I am and have absolutely no idea who you are? Sure I'm *only* 31 years old, its not like I've got one foot in the grave (er, well maybe I do considering the one thing I'm great at). BUT, I'm *31* years old, I'm fully an adult now, why am I still clueless?

I know you might be thinking, "oh, it can't really be THAT bad, you must be embellishing here." No, its really that bad, I am completely clueless. For example, on any given weekend, or really on every weekend C will ask me something like "what do you want to do today?" or "what would you like to go eat for dinner?" And my answer will ALWAYS be "I don't know." And he gets all upset with me, but really, truly, honestly I DON'T KNOW. It's like my brain shuts down and I cannot form an opinion of my own no matter how hard I try. If he presses me or I try to push myself to choose something I get very irritated and agitated, I just can't do it, it causes me too much stress.

Maybe I have some sort of degenerative brain disease. No seriously, maybe I do.

Don't laugh at me, I can hear you.

There has to be some good explaination other than the fact that the fates just hate me.

Do people really fall for this?

2009-02-24T14:44:00.001-08:00

I'm just so happy that there are people in West Africa that are wanting to send me millions of dollars via FedEx, as long as I pay a few thousand for the delivery & security fee. Their continent is riddled with poverty and disease...and yet they want little 'ol me to have their money. Isn't that nice?

Can you imagine how much money I'd have today if I'd responded to every one of these emails I'd ever gotten over the years?? Certainly I'd be the richest person in the world. How silly of me to keep deleting them!

Is this scam EVER going to die?? Is anyone actually falling for it anymore to make it worthwhile to even send?? I'd like to meet someone who has perpetrated this scam, or better yet someone who's fallen for it. Not for any particular reason, just to say I did it...cuz you know the world is full of idiots, but these people would have to be the cream of the crop. Wouldn't that be fun to tell people, that you actually met some of the best idiots in the world??

The kid cracks me up...

2009-02-23T19:04:00.001-08:00

So Sunday night we are sitting at the table eating dinner, we've already mentioned to the boys that we are going to take showers and get to bed on time since they've had a week off of school and need to get back into our routine, yadda, yadda, yadda...and this conversation occurs somewhat later, not actually during the return to school discussion. So its a little out of the blue...

R: Do we get new grades?

Me: *scratches head* What do you mean?

R: I mean, do we get new grades?

Me: Thanks for that clarification, well you are always getting graded on stuff, so yeah, there's always new grades, and after you finish a grade in school you go up one, so.... Yes, you get new grades.

R: Buuuutttt!!!!

Me: Still confused...

R: Apparently is not satisfied with that answer, so replies in a very matter of fact tone... Ok, lets try this again. Do we get new grades?

C busts out laughing. Everyone else starts laughing. R thinks he's hilarious.

And this is why we let him live, he's got to be the most difficult kid to live with, but he's so darn adorable JUST often enough that we keep him around to see what he'll do next!

Yeah, I changed it again...

2009-02-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

The background that is. I can't help myself, I get bored easily. Plus I was really annoyed by those flower thingys on the side of the last background being in the way of the text.

I haven't been around to post anything for the past week. I was busy cleaning and decluttering for C's mom, grandma, and aunt to come visit. I knew they wouldn't be here much, but I like to make it at least appear that I clean occasionally when people come to my house. Then there was their visit that was, uh, let's just say less than ideal. Yesterday took a trip to the beach and then had a nap that was so, so, so nice!

So, just in case you missed me, that's where I've been.

My sleep has been tormented this week...

2009-02-13T08:53:00.001-08:00

...tormented by animals and their annoying noises.

First it was the dog. I was having this dream in which I started out all Indiana Jones going over these 3 waterfalls. Then ended up in this shack with Jack and Juliette and Sawyer from Lost. Who wants to be interrupted whilst dreaming of Josh Holloway??? But then I kept hearing this dog whine and whimper. In my dream the dog was in the shack with us in a crate. Everyone kept yelling at the dog to shut up, but it just wouldn't quit. I remember getting more and more irritated at this dog, and yet nobody would do anything about it. Then I woke up and realized that it was MY dog that was being so vocal. This dog has done plenty of annoying things, but dragging me out of sleep and away from Sawyer...well now she's just gone too far!!

Then last night I was dreaming that some kid was staying overnight with us. This kid came to our house upon his bike. Somehow the bike ended up in the bedroom with this kid and my oldest son. On this bike was some device that made a very loud chirping/beeping sound whenever the back tire moved. I start hearing this sound, knowing the boys were supposed to be asleep I charge into the bedroom and find my son messing with the bike. I unleash my wrath upon him and think its over. But then I hear it again. This time, its the kid. I remove the bike and put it outside the bedroom. And I hear the sound again. And again, and again. Move the bike outside. And I keep. hearing. the. sound. Somehow I think something must be vibrating the ground making it go off, so I turn it upside down. No idea why I think that would make any difference... And the flipping sound keeps going! By this time I am absolutely livid and going completely out of my mind because of this noise that won't go away. Again I am suddenly woken up. It takes a few moments for me to realize...I am hearing a really loud chirping noise that keeps going and going and going and going...

I look at the clock, its about 2:30 am, I wake up C and ask him "what is that sound???" He reluctantly gets up and looks out the window. He beats on the wall and it stops. He says "there's a bat on our house" like its a common occurence. A what??? Lets put aside the idea of bats on or in my house freaking me out. Why would it be making THAT racket, WTH, is the thing dying?

He gets back in bed. And of course, the noise starts AGAIN. So he gets dressed, arms himself with a flashlight and a tennis ball and heads out to check it out. We hear this screech and he ducks and is looking around like something is about to dive bomb him. He couldn't see what was on the house, so he chucks the ball at it.

And out flys this huge white bird. Neither of us could really tell what it was, but we're assuming maybe it was an owl. Until we were finally able to sleep again we could occasionally hear, very faintly, the thing making its horrible noise at someone else's house. I don't know what would possess an animal to do that, unless it was trying to annoy the shit out of the screeching bird to get it to go away. But seriously, do that at someone else's house, next time we might throw something a lot bigger than a tennis ball!

The dream state is an interesting thing... You know, my kids can make a noise during the night when I'm asleep and I instantly wake up, whether I'm dreaming or not. But some non-stop annoying animal makes a noise, and I incorporate it into my dream.

Just popping in...

2009-02-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

to say HI! I'm here, I'm alive, just don't have much to say lately I guess. I've just been here with the laundry and the dishes and homework, nothing exciting or interesting really going on. I'm not good at "small talk" either, I can't just start talking about something out of the blue like some people can. So I sit and stare at the screen willing something, anything to pop in my head. But my head is empty. Or anything I come up with I decide is stupid and nobody will care. Granted, that hasn't stopped me before, and frankly just about everything I post is kinda stupid and I really doubt anyone will care. But now I feel the need to spare you, my readers, from my boring babbling.

Its a good thing I'm well acquainted with Star Wars...

2009-02-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

So today I sit at the table preparing to go through the mail. The boys had just gotten home from school. R puts down his backpack and starts telling me in an excited tone about the item his friend Daniel chose to bring to "sharing time" today. I'm not sure if he was just talking too fast or if it was just a slip of the tongue or if my ears weren't working correctly, but this is what I heard...

R: "Mom, mom, Daniel brought a really big Genital Grievous for his share today!"

Wait, what??

First graders, show and tell time, and genitals really, really don't seem to fit...

Thankfully I knew that he was indeed referring to GENERAL Grievous. Whom I don't think actually has any genitals.

Phew.

Random thoughts...

2009-02-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't been inspired by any particular topic lately enough to warrant a blog post about it. But I was getting sick of looking at the same old thing. Plus football is over and as I'm sure you can guess I couldn't be more disgusted with the results and couldn't be more grateful that I do not live in Pittsburgh today. (Their schools were delayed 2 hours today cuz they thought too many kids would be absent from partying so late. *insert eye roll* This, however, does not surprise me in the least.)

So instead here's a variety of - stuff.

I got a bread maker today. *insert happy dance* I've been wanting to make my own bread for a long time now. Of course I know I COULD do it by hand......but......yeah, you probably know me well enough to know that THAT wasn't going to happen. I was so excited I got a loaf baking as soon as I could! I seriously need a life when I get happy about bread. I thought about getting a good bread knife to go along with it, um, $60???? Really?? I'm totally no expert on cutlery, but I was shocked. That's more than the entire set of my "Miracle Blade" knives cost. Go ahead and cringe, but they are pretty darn good knives for that price.

Ooh, another thing I'm totally excited about and all my Facebook peeps out there already know, but I'm gonna say it again cuz I'M TOTALLY EXCITED!!!! C & I are going to a Rascal Flatts concert in March!!! I love, love, love, love, LOVE Rascal Flatts and I haven't been to a concert in years and years and years and years and years. I can't wait!! I just hope we get the tickets in time. They are being shipped to my mom's house because that's the mailing address of the credit card we used (didn't realize that beforehand otherwise we would have tried just using our address instead.) Anyway...you'll probably see me in the news because I went completely postal on the Ticketmaster people if my parents don't get them in time to mail them to us.

Speaking of Facebook, I just realized I haven't updated our family picture album website in like 5 months because I spend so much time on Facebook. I blame C, its his fault. I had an account for ever but never used it. It confuzzled me. I felt totally Facebook stupid. But C signed up somehow and he kept bugging me to use mine. I resisted for a while, but finally gave in. And now I have yet another addiction. I'm not the only one, this seems to be a raging problem all over the country. Anyway...back to the whole website problem. I went to look at it just now, I hardly recognize my kids. Its amazing how much they change in such a short amount of time. I was thinking I should really sit down and fix it up. But then I'd either have to take time away from my kids or time away from Facebook...uh, sorry kids.

I have a problem that I'm going to confess to you all. I HATE folding and putting away my kids laundry. I have on more than one occasion left their clothes in the laundry basket so long that there was hardly anything left in it. Last Friday I did 4 loads of laundry (none of which were kids clothes)...washed, dried, and put them all away. And yet I left the basket of my boys clothes sitting in the garage. The basket that had been full of clean clothes since, oh, Monday or Tuesday. (That's LAST Monday or Tuesday.) Today E asked me why I just couldn't bring the basket in the house so he didn't have to go into the garage in the cold in the morning to get dressed. Yeah, its still in the garage. I don't know why I avoid this chore so extremely, I guess because there are JUST. SO. MANY. of them, I just can't bring myself to do it. I literally have to force myself. Imagine me laying on the floor kicking my feet and pounding my fists and screaming my head off...that's what I go through in my head before I get up and do it. When I am in the process of it I feel like this huge weight is sitting on me. I feel exhausted and completely overwhelmed. There's just *something* about it that I cannot deal with.

The things nightmares are made of...

2009-01-28T06:52:00.001-08:00

So I open up my browser this morning and it comes up with the MSN page like always, and I see a line near the top that says "What is the Terrible Towel?" To most that wouldn't be a big deal, but to me it brings back horrible, HORRIBLE memories that I really try to leave buried.

You see, I had the misfortune to be living in Pittsburgh during a year when the Steelers went to the Super Bowl. This was long ago, my first year of college, and it still haunts me.

I'd never had anything against the Steelers prior to my living there. I'm certain I had no opinion of them at all, in fact. But after that year that would drastically change.

I've lived other places when their sports team went to a big game, the Super Bowl, World Series, etc. And sometimes it was really fun, sometimes slightly annoying, but mostly didn't leave a lasting impact on me.

But Pittsburgh is a whole different thing. You couldn't turn on the tv or radio without being CONSTANTLY bombarded with something about the Steelers. On the rare occasions I was away from school, it was like black and gold had thrown up on everything. The mentality of the city and the team is extremely cocky, like "we are better than the world so shut up and take it". Its like the lives of everyone in the city revolved around football. I guess you could call it devotion, passion maybe...but to an outsider, it was frightening, very, very frightening.

Of course every city/state that has a team going for the top trophy gets super excited and engrossed in the retail aspect of it, that's understandable...but Pittsburgh and the Steelers fans are a different breed, I've never encountered anything like it before or since.

And the song...this penetrating song that played everywhere. That is something forever seared into my brain and no matter what I do it will never leave. Here we go! Steelers! Here we go! Pittsburgh's goin' to the Suuuuper Bowl! *shudder*

No offense (really!) to any Steelers fans out there or anyone from Pittsburgh, I'm sure you can't help it. I'm not unconvinced that it isn't something piped into the water supply or airborne contaminant. Its just...well if this doesn't help explain it, I don't know what can.

Take a gander through the wiki page on the Terrible Towel.

And here is a quote from the creator...

The Terrible Towel
Is not an instrument of witchcraft…It is not a hex upon the enemy. THE TOWEL is a positive force that lifts the Steelers to magnificent heights – and poses mysterious difficulties for the Steelers' opponents only if need be. Many have told me that THE TERRIBLE TOWEL brought them good fortune, but I can't guarantee that sort of thing because the Steelers, after all, are THE TOWEL'S primary concern. Still, at the least, the symbol of THE TERRIBLE TOWEL will serve as a memento of your having been part of the Steelers' Dynasty and if it causes good things to happen to you, so much the better.
Myron Cope

Dynasty...magnificent heights...taking it to Mount Everest...seriously people????

There's just something not normal about all of that.

Well when you put it like THAT...

2009-01-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

So I received from R's teacher a couple observation forms that she's done regarding his difficulties in school, I had asked for it so I could pass it along to the psycologist for his ADD evaluation/testing. Now, I knew he was struggling, but when you read it off these observation forms, its like WOW...this kid's really got some issues! FWIW, a couple items I don't necessarily agree with, but 99% of them I do and witness at home as well. Plus there's a bunch of emotional/mood/compliance stuff on the forms that he exhibits at home, but fortunately for his teacher (and unfortunately for me and C), not at school.

So here's what she marked off on the first form...

is easily distracted by other students or events
has difficulty sustaining attention
has difficulty following instructions
often does not seem to listen
is "spacy", in own world, often daydreams
is far less active than most others in class
works very slowly
has trouble organizing belongings
has trouble organizing and completing classwork
has trouble organizing and completing homework
is excessively shy, quiet
has problems reading
has problems with math
has problems communicating with written language

And on the second...

fails to start task when assigned
short attention span
fails to finish tasks in allotted time
does not follow a sequence of directions
classroom comments irrelevant, misses point
daydreams, pre-occupied
easily distracted
reading difficulties observed
arithmetic difficulties observed
spelling difficulties observed
written language difficulties observed
confused snese of time/space/direction
disorganized work habits
fails to complete assignments
clumsy, bumps into things or persons
slow to move and respond, less active than peers
awkward when catching, throwing or in game activities
writing appears like that of a much younger child
works at a slower pace than other classmates
coloring, cutting, drawing immature for age

This poor kid just cannot catch a break. There's just always something happening with him. For a long time I thought, so what if he's got half a heart, we are going to treat him like any other kid and he'll still live a normal life...just like everyone else. I guess its time to stop denying it, its just not going to be as easy as that.

Tomatoes...

2009-01-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

Do you have a food that you really can't stand, but at the same time you really
WANT to like? I'm not talking about foods you swear you don't like and then one day try again and realize its pretty darn good. No, these are foods you cannot bring yourself to like no matter what, but you really really wish you could.

For me, its tomatoes.

It used to be the only way I'd consume a tomato is if it was in the form of ketchup or spaghetti sauce. It could in NO way resemble its original package or I'd practically gag looking at it. A tomato that was anything other than ketchup or spaghetti sauce totally disgusted me.

As I got older I came to realize that cooked tomatoes weren't so bad. I could choke them down and at times they were actually pretty good depending on what I was eating them with. Still not sure I could bring myself to eat a cooked one alone but along with other foods they are tolerable.

I still just cannot bring myself to eat raw tomatoes. The taste just...*shudder*, well its just gross. And yet they seem like such a happy food, just asking to be eaten..so bright and red and fresh. They look like they should be good. I find myself being tempted now and again to try one. But something in my brain always keeps me from it.

While looking through my Joy Bauer LIFE diet book's menu plans I can across a lunch that was an open faced tomato and cheese sandwich. A piece of bread, with a tomato and cheese put under the broiler. I was so tempted to try it that I even bought a tomato *gasp*! I never could bring myself to actually make it though, that lunch kept getting pushed back later and later in the week. And then one day on the weekend we ate out, so it got tossed off the menu altogether.

Last night I made turkey burgers for dinner. E asked for lettuce and tomato on his, so I dug out that tomato I bought. I sliced it up and served it to each of my children...who, much to my dismay, all really like tomatoes. Even R eats tomatoes, and truly that hurts me most of all, the kid who I have to fight with daily to eat any food at all will willingly injest a tomato. Its just wrong, I tell you, wrong, wrong, wrong!

I was tempted yet again to try it. Those darn tomatoes sitting on the plate looking all juicy and cheery. "What's not to like??" They whisper, taunting me. But, alas, I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself put a tomato on my burger.

Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't I just be satisfied to not like them? There are other foods that I HATE and am totally content to NEVER like. Cantalope for example. I find that equally as disgusting as raw tomatoes and if somehow all the cantalope in the world were obliterated, I could die a happy woman. But those tomatoes have it in for me, I swear.

Do ya think there's like, I dunno, hypnosis or accupuncture for something like this?? I could go and in one session be in tomato heaven??

You're wondering why the heck I'm even blogging about tomatoes of all things, I can tell. Because I can, that's why. And between seriously bruising my arm and being sick I haven't left the house much the past week and I really don't have anything else to say!

I have to wonder sometimes...

2009-01-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

if the universe does not want me to stay fat. Seriously. Last week I decided to embark on this healthy eating journey, planning meals and everything and I was really confident that I could really do it this time. (This all sparked by my neighbor telling me about her gastric bypass surgery experience, but that's another story for another time...)

But then the day before I started AF arrived. I did eat MUCH healthier, but trying to beat sugar cravings at that time of the month just wasn't gonna happen. Overall I was happy with how things were going, but it was not to last...

Ya know, I even was getting into working out. I was doing it every day, enjoying my "me" time while I was doing it, rocking out to my tunes while I blasted away on the elliptical trainer...and then I had to go and beat myself up so badly with the dang thing. So the exercise had to stop for a few days whilst I nursed my scrapes and bruises.

My arm still hurts, but I'm sure its going to be that way for a while. My open wounds have healed enough though that I thought I could push on and get back up on the horse (er, elliptical trainer.)

But now...*sigh*. Now I'm getting sick. My energy is zapped and my throat is hurting. Gah. If its not one thing, its another.

I know that's how life is, there's always going to be obstacles to overcome, I accept that...but do they ALL have to come in the first 2 weeks that I'm finally REALLY trying to be healthier???? It just doesn't seem fair.

Yesterday I did horrible...but today is another day. I will push on, but darnit, I just want to throw myself down on the floor and kick my legs and scream like R does when he's mad!!

Just a quick PSA from me to you...

2009-01-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

Moving heavy, wheeled exercise equipment down a step onto concrete all by yourself is bad for your health. Three days later you might still look like this...

I know some of you out there have already learned this lesson from me, but for those who haven't...heed my warning.

This is why I haven't had much to say over the weekend, by the way, I've been off pouting about my wounds.

Chalking up another accomplishment to my list!

2009-01-08T23:19:00.000-08:00

Remember that knit-a-long I was in....months ago. Well, I FINALLY have a finished product!!! My neck warmer is complete. It isn't really pretty and has lots of mistakes, but its done!

I knit way too tight in the middle so its kinda wonky, and near the end I kept starting and stopping at odd times so I'd forget if I was on the knit or purl side and got it wrong a couple times (you can't tell from the pic, but its not good, trust me.) But all in all not TOO shabby for a first big project.

Here it is laid out.

And buttoned up.

And in action. Please try to ignore my hideous face, its 11:20 pm in this pic.

Don't you love those stellar parenting moments?

2009-01-05T12:44:00.001-08:00

You know the ones when your child does or says something that you know they learned from you (or your spouse/significant other) that are just SO not appropriate for their little body. These things that you do/say often and yet you are shocked to hear them from your precious little one. (Denial is powerful thing.) And yet as shocked as you are you can hardly contain your laughter because it just sounds so cute and so wrong coming from them. They are also the things that by the time your child has picked up on it and decided to use/do it themselves...its too late. You can't take your actions back or change your ways, the damage has been done.

My 2 year old has a new favorite word. Well, technically its two words, so I guess its a favorite phrase. I remember my oldest also taking a fancy to this particular phrase as well, so I guess we didn't learn much as parents in the past few years. Actually I remember him near the same age laying on the floor of my bedroom yelling these two words at the top of his lungs over and over again for no particular reason. I don't really recall my middle child being so attuned to these two words. I know he's used them, but never taken such a liking to them as the others. But my daughter, from the first time she uttered these two little words she used them in exactly the appropriate way with the appropriate intonation in her voice. And all the times she's used them since it has been with the same precision.

So I guess I need to add another item to my New Year's list (and C, I know you're reading this, so you too!)...

#6. Stop swearing around (and at *blush*) my children.

UPDATE: Ok, so I purposely left out the words she said in case it might offend someone that I/we apparently use these words way more often than we should, LOL. (And considering a pretty big belief in our family, shouldn't say one of them at all.) But since people are wondering...check the comments section and I'll fill ya in!

Well I suppose its that time again...

2009-01-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

Time to think of my goals for 2009. Still not making any resolutions this year. But hey, by not making them last year I ended up accomplishing about half-ish of the goals I set for myself. Not too bad.

So, without further ado...

1. Establish a regular exercise routine. So, obviously "lose weight" and even "not gain more weight" just isn't working for me. So, lets be more specific here. I want to make exercise a consistent and regular part of my life. Not just something I do for a few days and then nothing for weeks. So, for now my goal is 4 times a week. If I can manage that I'll add more, but for now...just 4 times a week, EVERY week!

2. Eat more fruits and veggies. I admittedly am terrible about this. I blame my mom. LOL. No but seriously... She's always been a super picky eater about a lot of things. And I'm sure I picked up on that as a child because I am also pretty darn picky. I'm sure I didn't eat a lot of fruits & veggies when I was a kid because I either didn't like them or didn't think I liked them. And of course, the older we get the more set in our ways we get. I've definitely expanded my culinary horizons in recent years...but it needs to go further. I either have to learn to like fruits and veggies or learn to suck it up and eat them even if I don't!

3. Pay more attention to my kids and less to the computer. I said I was going to do this last year and I did make some improvements, but still more can be done.

4. Drink more water. Something else I've been seriously lacking in. Many times I'll go all day without having one drop of water. Not good. Going to try to drink at least 80 oz a day.

5. Establish a regular housekeeping routine. So last year I vowed to keep it clean for more than a week and I did, woot! But now it needs to go further. I was doing well on a schedule when we first moved and I'd like to get back to that and keep it up!

Happy New Year everyone!

2009-01-01T07:50:00.001-08:00

Most of 2008 was kinda sucky for us. It ended well, so I'm hoping this is a trend and things will continue to go well. We certainly could use things going our way for more than a couple months. Of course the whole country could pretty much deal with life getting better, so... I wish you and your families nothing but health and happiness and prosper in 2009!!

Whoever invented "Family Game Night" had never met my kids...

2008-12-31T12:57:00.000-08:00

For Christmas I bought the boy the game Guess What I Am?. I thought they would get a kick out of it and a good time would be had by all.

I do not know what I was thinking. That seems to be my mantra these days, doesn't it?? Instead of having fun and playing, this kind of family activity always turns out to be more of a contest for who can throw the biggest fit.

The very first round R looked at his card (you're just supposed to hold it up in front of your face and not look at it, hence the whole guessing part.) Nobody was mad or upset, we said "wait, stop, don't look at it!" and was about to give him a new one...BUT he went off in a tirade about how everyone was so mean and he wasn't going to play and he ran off to his room crying.

Then a bit later we played the game a different way, as teams. Now, I don't even recall what happened exactly, but something went wrong and E burst out in tears and acted like his life was over because of it. Again, nobody was mad or upset, nothing really bad happened...but you couldn't tell that from the way he was carrying on.

Now that I think about it...when my parents were visiting back in November they brought us the game Pictureka. I know for a fact that E had to leave the game at one point because of his crying and fussing about something. And honestly it was probably more than one time. I also remember that R had his share of issues as well. I'm certain that Grandma and Grandpa were wondering what THEY were thinking when they decide to play a game with my children.

Does it really have to be SO hard to just get along and be happy and have fun for just a little while?? Don't answer that, I already know what you're going to say.

Oooh, this also reminds of the "The Guy" we saw in Souplantation. He was a father there with his children, I think there were 3 of them (they were behind me). As they were making their way to the table one girl starting complaining about how she couldn't hold her tray any more. They were all having some issue and were basically whining to him kinda at the same time. I believe the girl with the tray said she was having trouble (it was hard to really tell since they were all talking at once). And then he says..."You're going to have trouble in life, all of you!"

C and I busted up laughing, although we tried to hide it very well. It was the most PERFECT parent response I think I've ever heard. Ok, maybe not what a "perfect" parent would say, but what every real parent is thinking! And trust me, it is exactly what C and I have been thinking!

About 10 steps back in the pursuit...

2008-12-29T15:40:00.000-08:00

So I decide today to take my brood to Walmart so they can pick out some stuff to buy with gift cards they got for Christmas. Just the 3 of them and me.

I don't know what I was thinking. Three children on the loose in the toy section of Walmart all heading in their own directions, its enough to put anyone in the psych ward for at least a month.

There was fighting and arguing and crying and whining and running off and a really grouchy mother who wanted to pretend like they belonged to someone else and quietly sneak off.

Eventually I convinced them that they should just get what they had already picked and save some money for the next time we were there. Seemed like a really good idea at the time. But now, its dawning on me that this means I'll have to take them back!

See...sanity is not even a speck on the horizon.

Trying something...

2008-12-28T09:52:00.000-08:00

Our dog Abby just can't deal with stuffed toys with squeakers in them. She will not stop until she gets the squeaker (and ALL the stuffing) out. On Christmas she got a stuffed reindeer and she kept picking it up and shaking the crap out of it. Her head was going SO fast, it was absolutely hilarious. Its probably one of those "you had to be there things"...but I've been wanting to try to post a video here and decided I'd try my first shot with the dog. Oh and this is just a short snippet of her shaking the poor reindeer, she went on doing this for a good 5 minutes.

I have a confession to make...

2008-12-27T09:00:00.001-08:00

Ever since my lame toe injury I haven't done even one 30 day shred workout. I have my reasons, but they are nothing but stupid excuses. The same stupid excuses that always derail me. I think maybe going from practically nothing to day after day after day of such an intense workout was a bit much of an endeavor. As much as I thought I wanted to do it, mentally I just wasn't ready yet. So for now I'm going to set more realistic goals. Doesn't mean I'll totally give up on the 30 day shred, but its just not going to be 30 consecutive days.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards men, women, children, and animals...

2008-12-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

I want to wish everyone out there a very Happy Holidays!! Whatever you are celebrating, or even if you aren't celebrating anything at all...I hope your days are filled with happiness and blessings, and plenty of yummy things to eat!! Its been a fast and crazy year for most of us I think, so take some time to slow down for even a few minutes and enjoy the spirit and joy of this time of year!!

My family is enjoying a quiet day making sugar cookies and cleaning up in preparation for the huge mess that we'll have tomorrow morning! We don't have any specific plans for Christmas day, its going to be just the 5 of us here hanging out.

Huh, what do you know...

2008-12-22T14:38:00.000-08:00

This post can be filed under "you learn something new every day". This probably doesn't really interest anyone, but hey, now I have 2 things I can list if someone ever asks me to tell something about me that nobody else knows!

I had an eye exam this morning. My grandfather had glaucoma and my eye pressure has always been on the high side so I go every year to get my eyes checked to make sure everything looks good. Plus I've had the same glasses for 2 years and they are terribly bent and the one lense is always falling out. They seriously need to be replaced.

Anyway... The doctor I saw was very descriptive about every test they did and what my results were and what that meant.

So the first new thing I learned was...I have a pigment spot on the back of my left eye. Its like a freckle. Isn't that trippy? Who knew you could have freckles in your eye?!?!

And the second new thing was...I don't actually have high eye pressure, mine are actually fairly normal. What I do have is thick corneas. And thick corneas can throw off the results of the tests that are usually done.

Thick corneas and a freckle in my left eye...the intricacies of the human body are really quite amazing!

Cool Book Giveaway!!

2008-12-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

My friend Joleen from Granola Chicks is having an awesome giveaway on her blog, Hello, Jobi for an Usborne touch feely book...check it out and enter!!

The picture post...

2008-12-19T13:06:00.000-08:00

Finally getting around to posting all the things I said I'd post pics of, aren't you excited!!!

First, here's my dining room table in all its brand new glory...

And here is my hair when it was long...

And my new shorter 'do, front & back...

I think that's all...if I missed anything I said I'd post (and if you even care) just let me know!

Smart windshield wipers...

2008-12-17T10:54:00.001-08:00

So maybe everyone's vehicle does this and I'm just peeking out from under the rock I call my life and finally realizing it...but I fully accept my rock and think that this is WAY cool!

The windshield wipers in my van actually slow down when the van stops!!!!

Lest you think that I've been partaking in illegal substances you have to understand that this has always been a huge pet peeve of mine. You know when you are driving and you have to have the wipers on so fast to keep the rain off, but the instant you stop they start to like squeeeeaaaaak across the window because there isn't enough water to push away anymore. That has always, always annoyed me.

But today as I was driving in the rain I realized that when I came to a stop the wipers slowed way down to accomdate for the decrease in water. That is just totally freaking awesome!! It's like my van could read my mind and wanted to please me.

You're wondering how long I've had this van and why its taken me until now to notice this glorious phenomena, right? Ummm, now that I think about it I have no idea when exactly we bought the van. But in defense of my oblivion, I DO live in southern California. We don't get a lot of rain here. When it does rain generally it doesn't last very long. This aaaallllll day long rain we've had today and on Monday hardly ever happens. So, its perfectly logical that I wouldn't have noticed such a rockin' feature before now. Oh, and in case you didn't know and in case you were wondering how in the heck this came to be a pet peeve of mine...I haven't always lived here, I grew up and learned to drive in a place where there is plenty of rain...and snow...and all that jazz.

We are nearing the end of the year...

2008-12-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

...so I thought we'd revisit my non-resolutions for the year. How many do you think I actually accomplished???

Well lets see how I did.

The first was "Not gain any more weight". Remember I decided to lower my expectations from "Lose weight" hoping I'd actually accomplish something? Thanks to the evil Mirena I couldn't even do that *sigh*. I don't recall what I weighed at this time last year, but I'm pretty sure it was less than now.

#2 "Keep my house clean for more than a week at a time." Miracle of miracles I think I actually did this!! Of course, it wasn't until we moved to the new house...and my cleaning spree only lasted about a month...but it did really occur!

#3 "Spend less time on the computer and more time with my kids." Eh... I've had my moments. Although overall I certainly didn't do as much of this as I should have.

#4 "Get more sleep." Hmmm... K did eventually start sleeping all night long. So I suppose I do get more sleep now than I did a year ago. I still stay up way too late and have insomnia regularly. But I said get more, not get enough, so I guess this too has been accomplished, woot!

#5 "Get a job." Um, yeah, that SO did not happen.

#6 "Find a way to be happy with the life that we've been given." Honestly, that didn't happen. But fortunately our life situation changed for the better in the past few months. So much better that it has seemed too good to be true and we're waiting for reality to kick in!

Well, the year wasn't a total loss, but its a probably a good thing I didn't actually make those pesky resolutions!

Sidelined by the stupidest injury in the world...

2008-12-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I decided to de-nastify my feet a bit and get off some dry skin. You all know what I'm talking about, so don't act like you're all grossed out or anything. I cut a big hunk of hard skin off the side near my big toe nail. Apparently I cut too deep or something. Ever since my toe as been killing me. The first day it was really sore I pushed through exercising even though it was agonizing. The next day (yesterday)...it was so bad I couldn't even put a shoe on my foot. Anytime anything came near my poor wounded toe I would cringe. Any sort of pressure on any part of my toe was awful. It hurt SO bad. I didn't want to even make a meager attempt at a workout like that.

Today it still hurts, although not *quite* so bad. I still can't put on a tight shoe. I'm gonna try to do some strength stuff tonight though, maybe go on the elliptical for a bit with no shoes. But I'm kinda bummed I can't do my Jillian workout. Did you believe that??? HAHAHAHA!!! Seriously, I'm not bummed, not even a little bit, LOL. I've done pretty good sticking to this whole 30 day shred thing...but I am so very, very far from a place where I am bothered by skipping a day or two.

Of course, therein lies the problem doesn't it. Not being bothered by it is what gets me off track every time. *sigh* What can ya do though? I didn't ask for this injury, and a person can only inflict so much pain on themselves before they just can't take it anymore, LOL.

So its been a few days...

2008-12-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

Last week started off with a bang...or rather a fire in my kitchen that was started by my 7 yr old using the toaster and not taking a plastic bag off the top of it.

The middle was stricken with panic because AF was tardy in arriving for her monthly visit. Why must she be such a PITA all the time???

And ended with frantic cleaning because the first time in years (yes, literally YEARS) we had an actual babysitter watch the kids so we could go to C's work christmas party.

I completed 10 days in the row of the 30 day shred! Day 10 I was beyond tired and didn't put much oomph into it, but I still did what I could.

I decided to take a day off for recovery before I started level 2 since I was feeling so tired. That was Friday. Plus I was doing all that cleaning that day so I was getting some good activity in still.

One day turned into two days. Saturday I slept in while C got up with the kids. I haven't gotten to sleep in in ages, so you better believe I was going to take advantage of it and not feel one bit guilty!!! Then we went to E's basketball, then lunch right after, then right after that left to drive up to OC to return some work equipment. Didn't get home until like 8pm, and as soon as we got home I had a horrible headache. So exercise surely wasn't going to be happening then.

But that means I HAVE to get back to it today. Starting level 2, so I'm scared...again. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever really stopped being petrified every time I turned the workout on, LOL!!!

6 days down!!

2008-11-30T10:24:00.000-08:00

I thought by now it would be getting easier, or I'd be a little less sore at least. But that's really not the case. At all. My abs hurt more and more every day. My upper back has started aching. My quads ache. I've been taking naps, a lot of naps. If I don't get any results out of this I just may hunt down Jillian and sit on her for 30 days and see how she likes it!

I keep thinking, if THIS is what I'm feeling after only doing 20 minutes of a Jillian Michaels workout a day...what on earth do those poor bastards on The Biggest Loser go through? *shudder* Don't even want to think about it. This has cemented my decision to NEVER audition for that show!

But I guess the pain's all good...at least I know I'm doing *something*. And somehow this workout is keeping me motivated. Even on the days when I was really, really dreading it...I still got up and did it. One time I even did it at 10:45 at night (and after I'd had a big meal out that night.) I don't think I'll ever do that again, I seriously wanted to puke...but the point is, I still did it.

So, yay me!

3 days in a row completed!

2008-11-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well I've managed to torture myself for 3 days in a row now, woo hoo!!

Actually, its really not that horrible because of Jillian's 3-2-1 system. You do 3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs...repeating this 3 times. You only do each move for like 30 seconds to 1 minute at a time. So, by the time you want to die its time to move on to the next thing.

And I'm already noticing results. Don't know how much I can attribute this to the fact that I didn't wake up at 5:30 this morning and did my workout at 8:45 instead of 6 am, BUT... I was able to do more reps of some of the exercises before it felt like body parts were going to fall off. AND, I was able to go longer/more intense on the cardio things before I was sure I was going to have a massive coronary in the middle of my living room.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Eat a bunch of really delicious, fattening food for me!

Its been 24 hours...

2008-11-26T06:05:00.001-08:00

And I don't want to die, yippee!

BUT...I am definitely feeling the effects of yesterday's workout. My lower back is a bit sore, I'm sure from all that jumping around. And my abs, which I thought I didn't really put much into (because of my fear of getting dizzy) are pleasantly feeling that after workout soreness. There's a slight twinge in the butt region as well.

Jillian says its a total body workout...and it is! (And Brenda, its really not THAT bad, if I can do this you totally can!)

And here I am ready to get up and do it again.

Its been 12 hours...

2008-11-25T18:16:00.000-08:00

and my shoulders and neck are not happy with me. At. All.

I think I should have started with 2 lb weights instead of 4.

Going to go cry now.

First order of business...

2008-11-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

is Jillian Michaels 30 day shred! If I can grow my hair for a year and a half I can bust my ass for 30 consecutive days...right? Sure, I say that now, we'll see what happens when the pain REALLY starts to kick in, LOL!

We've got exercise tv on demand and I found the 30 day shred workouts. Last night I glanced through level 1. It looked hard. I was scared. You should be scared of Jillian, right? But this morning I woke up (at 5:30, ugh!) and decided to just do it.

Well, it wasn't QUITE that easy. I got up, put on my workout duds...and then had a mini panic attack thinking of actually playing the workoug.

Then I had a little Jillian-esque peptalk in my head. "What are you afraid of? Sweating? Working hard? Looking like an idiot? Not being able to do all the moves or reps? Dying a slow miserable death after Jillian has turned you into a quivering blob of goo? Well get over it!! You're never going to know what you can do unless you get up and do it!!

There were lots of jumping jacks...an almost 290 lb woman doing jumping jacks is SO not what anyone wants to see, or hear. How does anyone do those anyway? Every time I come down its like all the air just gets pushed out of me in a big WHOOF, and then I have to gasp it back in on the up part before it all gets pushed back out.

I was really scared to do the ab work considering what happened the last time I tried such a thing...but I made it without any dizziness or migraine, woot!

The arm work is what I'm really feeling, oooh my shoulders are aching!

It'd be nice to lose the 20 lbs in 30 days that she claims you can...I'm not setting my goal that high, but if it happens I'll surely be celebrating!!

I made fudge today...

2008-11-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

No I'm not going to post a wonderful homemade recipe complete with pictures and rave about letting my kids help and how amazing it all was. I admire anyone who does that, I really, really do. But I am not that mom. I am the mom who will post about the quickest and easiest way to do something...which is exactly how I made fudge today.

Yesterday as I was tooling around the grocery store ALL BY MYSELF with my steaming Starbucks non-fat raspberry mocha with whip cream thanking my lucky stars that for once I was not one of those parents with the huge ass car cart with the 3 kids hanging over the edge...I came upon the the most wonderful product! (Er, well, I suppose not so wonderful if you're of the Nestle banning persuasion, of this I am not. I couldn't be even if I wanted to as my son depends on one of their products to...well, to live and grow and all that jazz.)

It was a box with all the fixings for deliciously rich, creamy fudge all right there and ready for me to make. It came with a "sugar mix" (no I don't care what all was in that...we're talking about fast and easy here, its not always the healthiest way), a bag of chocolate chips, a can of condensed milk, and a package of marshmallows. All put together nice and easy with directions I didn't have to search for. And it was only $6, had I bought all that other stuff individually it certainly would have cost a lot more.

And, it even turned out really good. I don't usually have the best luck with fudge, I always get it too dry. But even I, as inept in the kitchen as I am, was able to make this successfully!!

Ok...really I wrote this because I am procrastinating, but I do like to share some of the better quick & easy products I come across.

Well I did it...

2008-11-24T07:36:00.000-08:00

I cut my hair. I didn't make it completely to my goal length, about 2-3 inches short, but I still consider the endeavor to be a success! I might not have made it all the way, BUT, I did grow it for over a year and a half and I put up with it annoying the crap out of me and being very tempted to cut it all off on several occasions. I stuck it out no matter how much I didn't want to, I got to see what it would be like if it was that long...and that's what I set out to do. Mission completed.

I have been having a lot of headache and neck issues lately and I thought the weight off all that hair probably wasn't helping, so that's what made me decide to finally end my journey...well that and that fact that I couldn't see anything if I ever leaned forward because there was just too dang much hair in the way.

Now to take this long term, stick it out to a goal success and translate it into other areas of my life. Most specifically, my weight loss. Not that I've had much of that lately...but that IS going to change. Right now in fact, I'm going to go hop on the elliptical and burn some calories!

I'll try to post pics later of the hair change. Don't have any of the shorter 'do yet. I really should make that my next goal I suppose, LOL...finally getting aroung to posting all the pics of things I promised I would!

All I did was chew a piece of gum...

2008-11-19T18:37:00.000-08:00

and I've been in pain ever since. First it was my jaw hurting so bad it felt like my head was going to explode. I'm pretty sure its a TMJ issue. I go see the chiro cuz I'm desperate...next day jaw feels a bit better, but now my front lower teeth are killing me. Well not so much the teeth, but the gum area under those teeth. Like they are being pushed out of place somehow. Maybe its some phantom pain from way back when I had braces, lol.

*sigh* Why must there always be SOMETHING???

Is it too much to ask for that my head feel...right. If its not a headache or dizziness, now its jaw pain and wishing I could just yank my dang teeth out.